The NEW Illustrated Guide to Mendacity and Folly in the 21st Century.
Posted on | May 21, 2009 | No CommentsLet’s face it, the news hasn’t been very inspiring of late. If you voted against Obama, you’re in a foul mood because you think he’s turning America into the Socialist paradise, if you voted FOR Obama, you’re in a foul mood because he seems to be reneging on half of his campaign promises. The credit card reform is a big pile of nothing–gee, they have to tell me BEFORE they raise my rates, that’s sure gonna protect me if I’m having problems with keeping up the payments I’ve already got. Nothing seems to be happening here that hasn’t already been commented on–so what do you do? When things get tough, the tough go to Australia! Australia, land of eucalyptus-buzzed koalas, fighting kangaroos and didgeridoos! Populated by marauding bands of post-apocalyptic tonsorial victims! Or Mel Gibson when he’s not on the wagon. Now usually, the only news coming out of Australia is how many people got consumed by crocodiles or turned into quivering masses of nerve-dead gelatin by the local poisonous fauna. Or sports, which is the same thing. But this week, there was a heart-warming story about a boy who’d fallen off his bicycle and hit his head on a curbstone. Now normally, he’d've just picked himself up and cracked open another Foster’s, but this poor lad managed to conk himself good and his parents took him to the local hospital. Well, the doctor in charge of emergency realized that the boy had massive internal bleeding inside the skull and if pressure wasn’t relieved on the brain quickly, the kid was gone. There was no neurological unit at the hospital and no time to send him to one where there was. So our doc does the next best thing–he sends down to maintenance for an electric drill. That’s right. Ye olde Black and Decker! He calls up a doc in another hospital to consult and, sterilizing the drill bits, he plunged in. Blood spurted from the brain pan which told him he’d made the right move and the boy is on the way to recovery. Now that’s using your tool!
I can’t help but think what Hollywood will do with this story. You KNOW, someone’s going to buy up the rights. Maybe Spielberg–he’ll think it will be a perfect role for Shia LaBoeuf. After all, he thinks everything is a perfect role for Shia LaBoeuf these days. But we will have to change a few details–like have a crocodile attack in the middle of the operation! After all, crocodiles practically walk the streets of Melbourne, don’t they? And get rid of the 9 year old boy–we need a hot babe for romantic interest. We can STILL say, “based on a true story,” because we paid for it and some of it did happen, kinda sorta, but it would be a helluva lot more interesting if it happened the way we’re gonna show it. Oh, and let’s give the doctor an annoying sidekick, maybe a talking wallaby–the wallaby will be CG.
Here’s the original article in case you missed it: Australian doctor uses household drill to save boy
There will be no cartoon on Monday because of the Memorial Day holiday.