Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

A BAD Week for Celebrities

A wealthy couple walks through a cemetery at night and are startled to see the ghost of Billy Mays pitching Oxyclean for their salvation

Billy Mays--pitching from the other side (in the style of Charles Addams)

Usually, deaths comes in threes–last week, tho, it managed to hit four celebrities. It was a pretty bad week to be a celebrity, one of the few times it paid to be — obscure. (Although really, I could afford to be a little less obscure than I am). Ed McMahon. Well, he had a good run. Graduate of my alma mater, he defined for my generation what is was to be a second banana. He was having some financial troubles towards the end, so we sort of saw it coming. Joan Rivers used his death as an opportunity to blast Johnny Carson, but no one ever said Joan Rivers wasn’t tacky. Farrah Fawcett Majors–now that was a sad case. I remember seeing her on the “Roast” of Bill Shatner–and she seemed very out of it, so much so that it seemed like it was turning from a roast of Bill to a roast of Farrah. Shortly afterwards, we heard about her cancer and I’m sure that had a lot to do with her appearance that night. She was still beautiful, but it was obvious she’d lost a LOT of weight. Her pain is over…
Now, Michael Jackson. The poor guy can’t even DIE without causing a media circus. Was it drugs, was it this, was it that, should his doctor be arrested, yadayada. The disgusting thing is that people are getting into fistfights, with some people saying, “we’ve lost a great talent,” and others going, “Good, one less pervert.” I don’t think Michael was a child molester. I think he was weird as all get-out, he certainly did some inappropriate things with youngsters, but I really don’t think he was a sociopath who thought he was beyond the concepts of right and wrong. More like, he never quite understood the consequences of some of his actions and how they would appear to others. Like dangling his son over the balcony edge. Sure, he held onto him, he wouldn’t let him drop. But he never considered what the effect on the kid would be, nor that people would perceive it as potentially harmful. So I’m sad that Michael passed on. As for the people saying, “One less pervert,” they’re already justified in their own minds.
So finally we come to Billy Mays. God you had to love that guy. The ultimate pitchman, he filled any room with energy. I remember watching his lesser brethren on the boardwalks of Asbury Park and Atlantic City when I was growing up–I believe Billy got his start on the boardwalks also. I think he’d rather enjoy my little opus letting him pitch Oxyclean from the other side. A rough landing in an airplane appears to have broken open one of the luggage bins above him and he got a smack on the head, causing an epidural hematoma like Natasha Richardson sustained when she died as a result of a ski accident head injury. The FAA claims that Billy was at fault for not wearing a seat belt–I’m sure his wearing a seat belt would have kept the latch closed on the luggage bin…sounds like they’re trying to save the airline from a negligence suit, which shouldn’t be the job of the FAA at all. But we’ve gotten used to the government protecting poor corporate giants from big bad customers. But Billy had it right. The customer was THE important thing. You could have the best product in the world, but if you didn’t treat your customers right, you’d have a warehouse of unsold merchandise. Perhaps we should start thinking of the people who tell us that their businesses are too big or too important to fail as just hucksters and pitchmen. It’s a shame to lose one who was honest enough to accept and enjoy who he was.

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Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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Intravenous Caffeine Exclusive: Lindsay Lohan Tweets About Iran (with NEW picture!)

Lindsay Lohan shows her solidarity with the Iranians in a semi-nude shot taken in her bathroom mirror (with hair extensions) wearing a green wristlet while resting at a spa.

I care about Iran--see my green wristlet?

HI EVRYBODY-I just wanted you ALL to know I was just teesing about posting that pitcher the other day JUST becuz I was bored I realy ment I

was showing solodarity with the ppl of Iraq-or is it Iran-enyway, the ppl who r protesting over their. Boy r they tweeting a lot this week

If only sumone had TOLD me I ws supposed to be wereing green so I looked thru my old pitchers to see if I culd find something I had green o

n in and I found one its a pitcher I took of myself when I was at this spa for a rest and look I have a green wristlet! they realy cared a

lot about me at that place they never let me be a lone for a minit thats why Ihad to laeve the door open. They treat women terrible over th

eir and force them to wear hookahs all the time. But I wantid you all to see this pitcher so you culd see that i realy cared about seomthin

g else besides myself wunce in a wile becuz i realy am a sensitive person who cares about other ppl a hole lot n i will try to find moar of

my pitchers that I took even before I new i had such deep feelings about this. preferably one were I am not wereing panties altho im not we

reing panties in this one but you can’t see becuz I have jeens on. Talk to u all later kiss kiss kiss

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Great Shot, Barack (Now, no one mention Renfield for the next week, k?)

Cliches abound as the flies gather to mourn their fellow killed by Obama...

And tell my father that I died like a fl-- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Well, he finally did it. Our president has finally overcome the stigma of being intelligent and proved himself a man of action! Did you see that video! Man, one shot, SMACK! One dead fly! Dwight Frye couldn’t have done it quicker! PETA is upset about the outcome, but we’re not! No more pansy-ass jokes about eating arugula, I’ll tell you that. President Obama, we salute you. Now if only you’d deal with BANK PRESIDENTS that way!
But I don’t mean to mock President Obama. Well, actually, I do, but I’ve got other fish to fry. What I really want to mock are movie clichés, in this instance, the telegraphed tragic demise. There are so many clichés in movies nowadays that you could shoot an entire three hour epic without a single original thought. Movies have become so formulaic–if A happens then B MUST follow. Throw somebody out a 23rd floor window–they MUST land squarely on the roof of a car, preferably a minor character’s car as well. Set an adventure in some unexplored wilderness–someone MUST slip and slide down a mountain to provide an excuse for the water park ride. I’m not sure when the telegraphed tragic demise first showed up, but JM and I always refer to it as the “red shoes” speech from RED RIVER. You know the drill, the huge first cattle drive up the Chisum Trail, the night everyone’s edgy because the coyotes are spooking the herd and someone asks Harry Carey Jr. what he’s going to do after the drive is over. Carey is playing a sweeter-than-sugar character who’s made doubly sympathetic by having a stammer that makes Porky Pig sound like a smooth talker. What he’s going to do is buy a little spread of his own, but first, his wife always wanted a pair of red shoes, so that was what he was gonna do, buy her that pair of red shoes. Awwwwww! Within SECONDS, there’s an accident at the chuckwagon, the cattle take off, STAMPEDE! and Carey gets crushed under their thundering hooves. Another prominent instance from a more recent movie is in the HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER. Sam Neill plays Sean Connery’s right hand man and surrogate son as they are defecting to the US and bringing an entire silent-but-deadly Nookle-ee-or submarine with them. Sam talks about what he’s going to do when this is all over. Do they let you travel from state to state without papers? Then I’m going to buy an RV. And I will travel from state to state. And I will get married and I will live in Montana. Maybe I will get two wives, do you think they’ll let me? hahaha. Well, you just KNOW that in less than 100 seconds, he’s going to be shot by the KGB agent disguised as a cook’s assistant, in order to protect Connery. And as he dies, “I would have liked to have seen … Montana (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…)” STAR TREK even dispensed with the speech–just have a red T-shirt day!
So remember friends, if you are EVER in a position where you suspect that you are simply a minor character in someone ELSE’s movie, never, EVER, say what you intend to do when your adventure is over. Say you haven’t given it any thought and then, ask the guy who asked you what HE plans to do. That way, he’s the sorry bastard that’s gonna get his ass cooked before the next commercial! Like our poor fly, who just wanted to say he’d landed on Barack Obama…
Rest in pieces.

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A day off

Afraid I’ve gotten a double dose of eye infection–a stye and pink-eye. Ugh. Am on antibiotics and can barely see sometimes, so I’m taking the day off. BB ON THURSDAY!

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