Science Shocker! Blue Dog Democrats Can Dance! Experts Baffled!

Washington (AP)–In a new scientific study, behavioral psychologist Dr. D. Ingleberry has announced the amazing conclusion that contrary to all prior evidence, Bluedog Democrats are indeed capable of dancing. “We previously thought that due to their seeming inability to respond to cues provided by their constituencies or party affiliation, Bluedog Democrats had no sense of rhythm or timing whatsoever. However, evidence from YouTube videos show that Bluedogs, like parrots, share with humans a sense of rhythm and ability to dance. Indeed, they do seem rather parrot-like in their motions.”
Dr. Ohso Obvious added to her colleagues remarks that Bluedogs seem to evidence a kind of rudimentary discrimination. “They won’t dance to just anything. They seem to respond best to beats provided by lobbyists, especially the health insurance lobbies, and dance wildly in response to the waving of campaign contributions, much like dancers at a rave respond to light wands.” This is in keeping with the Bluedog philosophy that the people are entitled to the best government money can buy. “And since the best healthcare must obviously be the most expensive, we shall continue to endeavor to fight any efforts to provide our voters with cheaper alternatives.”
Video footage of the Bluedog dancing was not available but the scientists provided this additional video of a dancing parrot for readers to see what the dancing most closely resembled.

“He Said, The Sheriff’s Getting Nearer…” –Blazing Saddles

Remember Blazing Saddles? The scene were the townspeople are waiting for their new sheriff? Gabby Johnson is up on the highest building with a telescope and spies ultra-cool Cleavon Little riding to town. Cleavon Little is called Black Bart–because his name is Bart and he is…black. Gabby, speaking authentic frontier gibberish, attempts to warn the townsfolk and calls out, “The Sheriff is a N…” when the church bell rings, cutting off the N-word. He says the sheriff is getting nearer, says Mayor Olson Johnson to Howard Johnson. “No, consarn it, dagnabit, the Sheriff is a N…” CLANG! This goes on until Cleavon Little arrives and the welcoming committee extends its hand to our new “…nigger.”
So what does this have to do with whether or not Barack Obama was born in the US? Well, from the get-go, a certain portion of the opposition has bandied about reasons why he CAN’T be the President. He’s a Muslim, his middle name is Hoo-Sane! He was schooled at a madrassa. His wife hates America, his minister (odd for a Muslim to have a minister) hates America. Then towards the end of the campaign…he’s not a natural-born citizen. He’s actually a KENYAN. Yeah, have you ever seen him run? Besides the campaign, I mean?
That’s getting a lot closer to what the truth really is. Harry Shearer tried to explain it as the natural outcome of the last two Presidents being elected both had “legitimacy” problems: there were rumors that Clinton had renounced his citizenship, and George Bush actually lost the popular vote election and would have lost the electoral college had not the Supreme Court intervened with its historic decision guided by Nino Scalia that whoever the cable news networks decide on election night has won the election is the winner no matter what the actual vote count might be, whenever someone bothers to actually count it. But I think John Ridley came nearer to the truth. Speaking as a black man reacting to the Professor Gates issue, he said, “We’re sick and tired of having to prove things to the self-righteous reactionary fringe which looks at life as one, big racial profiling traffic stop: Step out of the car Mr. President and show me your birth certificate.” Let’s call a spade a spade–Barack Obama can’t be the President of White America because he’s … fill in the blank. No one wants to admit that that is the real reason because then, they’d sound just as bigoted as they are acting. We want our country back, shouted one shrill birther? She wasn’t talking about Barack Obama as much as she was talking about pre-1960s Whiteland. Where there wouldn’t be a black professor at Harvard to break into his own home when the door was jammed. When there wouldn’t be a Kenyan in the “white” house. But to say that would be to expose yourself. So there has to be all this BS about birth certificates, even after it has already been published! We’ll except Lou Dobbs from this–HE thinks Obama secretly slipped across the border from Mexico…
Just to clear things up–I’m not writing this because I’m black. My people came over in the great migrations from Eastern Europe prior to WWI. I’m writing it because I’m sick and tired of these people treating the President of the US as if he’d just been found inside someone’s house. And demanding he be arrested. In spite of the fact that it’s his own house.

The Tentacles of the Health Insurance Companies OF DOOM!

SEE Insurance Claims denied over and over! SEE sudden illnesses classed as pre-existing conditions! SEE anything but blood tests become experimental procedures! FEEL THE TENTACLES SURROUND YOU! WATCH IN HORROR as the Health Insurance Executives fly in private jets! BE AMAZED at the profits of Pharma Companies in a Recession! GASP as you find out your NEW COPAYMENT! SEE Hospitals Squeezed, Doctors Squeezed, Your WALLET SQUEEZED ever tighter and tighter until you are forced to scream, “WE HAVE THE BEST DAMN MEDICAL SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! USA! USA! USA!” and sneer at Canadians and Europeans who are forced to pay less for better care! COMING to an open season near you. In 3D and SPECTRE-SCOPE!
THE HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES OF DOOM!
Hey, everything sounds better with “Of Doom” somewheres in it.
Research Firm Cited by GOP Is Owned by Health Insurer The Non-Partisan Lewin Group is actually owned by the UnitedHealth Group–hey, it’s neither Republican nor Democrat LOL
Bachmann, Kline oppose public option because it’s ‘cheaper’ How can you tell if you’re getting good health care unless you pay through your nose?
Obama Has Met At Least 27 Times With Private Health Care Industry Executives Hey Obama, you don’t have to make THEM happy–WE are your clients!
Newt Gingrich: We Need To Kill Health Care Reform Newt agrees with Bill Kristol–The Man Who Knew Too Little!
Not only will not all Americans be covered, but the insurance parasites will be left in control–oooooo your finger just got cut off–here–have a bandaid! Now lie back and enjoy the tentacles!

Report from Otakon 2009–How did I twist my neck so hard?

Well, I’ve just returned from Otakon 2009 (Otakon = otaku, Japanese for fan, + con), the biggest anime convention on the East Coast, and I’ve gone for a complete weekend without reading the news–and what a relief THAT is. The only news channel they played continuously at the hotel bar was Fox News (which I saw at breakfast) and the only thing I caught was Fox & Friends, specifically a segment on how the Bible was important to study in American History because after all, the Founding Fathers were all Christians. Naturally, they didn’t suggest that Americans might have to study Montesquieu in American History–the FRENCHMAN who actually devised the blueprint for the three-branch government–not only was he an atheist but he was also French. Did I mention he was French? Or that Madison, Jefferson and even Franklin read him…in French? Anyway, at least I didn’t see the segment on why the Bible was important for studying biology. After all, plants and animals are all mentioned in the Bible…
I went to my first RAVE! Now that might not seem like much to anyone under 30, but for us old farts that’s kind of an accomplishment. For those OTHER 50+ers out there, a rave is a dance where you don’t dance with anyone in particular–unless you’re already hooked up–as much as you dance with everyone at the same time. You need equipment–fluorescent light sticks, poles, swords, rings–and you decorate yourself with these and wave them in the air while you dance–which is basically bouncing up and down. Side to side movement is only for the brave. You can also do light acrobatics with your light sticks–and groups gather around to watch the mini-lightshow people are putting on if they’re any good. Now with everyone bouncing up and down–naturally the floor–on the third floor of the Baltimore Convention Center–goes up and down with you in time to the beat and the bass line, which are the only two things you can actually hear–I swear I heard one bass line using the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars DA DA DA–DUM DADAA–DUMDADAAAAA! Very appropriate at a con. Anyway, yours truly managed to get a blister on his foot from all the walking he’d been doing and threw his back out a bit by favoring his foot (no, not from whipping my neck to gawk at the cosplayers like the poor subject of today’s cartoon–that’s why you bring a camera–for a good EXCUSE to gawk at the cosplayers! Ooo, there was a guy with a stereo camera rig for 3-D photography there, but he didn’t have a card 🙁 phooey, I’d have given him a shout ) and made an interesting discovery. If you stand JUST RIGHT against a metal pillar in the middle of a rave–you can get a nice vibration massage from the beat! Some cute girl in a nurse’s outfit gave me a big hug after the Saturday night rave–A fun time was had by all 😀
A few shout-outs–I saw my friends Ananth from Applegeeks.com and Chris Malone from Blue and Blond. HEY GUYS good to run into you again! And a fun little occurrence. I was chatting with Kittyhawk who draws Valkyrie Yuuki–she advertised her cartoon as a FREE WEBCARTOON LOL so I told her so is mine and we exchanged cards. She looked at mine, and her eyes bulged a bit, she looked at my T-shirt — with my screaming caffeine freak matching the card–and then at me and said, “OMG, I’ve seen your cartoon before!” LOL I guess I’m not quite as obscure as I thought–anyway, it was a nice egostroke 🙂 Nice to have met you Kittyhawk and I hope I can give you a little bit more publicity from here!

Just to demonstrate I haven’t watched television since 1957

It’s a pretty boring week–health care and Supreme Court confirmation hearings. Now don’t get me wrong, they’re very important…but they’re about as exciting as watching watching a brick pile. Will the public option be watered down so the health insurance companies can continue to make obscene profits? Will there be any meaningful attempts at lowering costs? Will that happen before 2013? Then there’s the Sotomayor hearing. First of all, there’s no way she will not be confirmed. Even the Republican senators seem resigned to that–they don’t have the votes to deny confirmation. There’s nothing in Sotomayor’s record that paints her as a flaming liberal–or even all that liberal at all. The more I hear, the more like a centrist she seems to have behaved. Now that might change. Lower court judges have to follow the rules, while Supreme Court justices make them. But sometime ago when Obama said he wanted a centrist court, I took that as a clue that he would appoint centrist judges. Not that that would center the Alito court very much, if at all. But it would make Obama more likable to the right-wing–except that it won’t make up for his being (sarcasm alert) an America-hating Muslim who isn’t even a natural born citizen. (Already one soldier is refusing deployment on the grounds that Obama isn’t really President--I think his request should be granted–on the grounds that he qualifies for a Section 8 for denial of reality.) So where does that leave the Republican grilling? Why back at the Rush Limbaugh barbeque. Rush says that Sotomayor is a racist, so let’s pull out our racial bonafides and prove we’re just as big a bunch of yahoos as the Rushster is. Or Pat Buchanan.
So Tom Coburn makes a cute Ricky Ricardo reference, pronouncing “explaining” as “‘splainin” like the Cuban bandleader did. Except that Desi Arnaz was “zaggeratin” his accent. And he wasn’t a Puerto Rican, but a Cuban (but what the hell, all Hispanics sound alike, don’t they?) And it was HIS OWN accent he was mocking. There was another “Hispanic” popular a bit later, José Jimenez. Only he wasn’t a Hispanic, he was an American of Hungarian-Jewish descent named Bill Dana. Very popular in the 60s with Anglo audiences. When Spanish-speaking groups began protesting his performances, he found out just how funny they thought he was. Dana publicly dropped the José Jimenez routine (in 1970) and about 12 years ago was honored by National Hispanic Media Coalition with an award celebrating what his act of disavowal did for the Hispanic community. But that must have been after Tom Coburn stopped watching TV. He still thinks “I Love Lucy” is the bee’s knees.
I suppose we should be glad he didn’t decide to channel Cheech Marin…

Ooooo too late to use, NEW PHOTOS OF SANFORD’S MISTRESS

BTW–I’ll be at Otakon in Baltimore this weekend. If you’re attending and you see someone with glasses in a purple “I NEED INTRAVENOUS CAFFEINE” T-shirt–say hi–it’s me…

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ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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