Sex Scandals–The ONLY Truly Bipartisan Game in Town!

A staffer confesses to her (multiple choice to cover all possibilities) affair with her boss, senator, congressman, TV show host, etc.. Her husband's thought? How do I get a piece of this?

You've Got BLACKMAIL!

It’s been a GOOD couple of weeks for adultery! We’ve had so many sex scandals and continuing stories of past sex scandals, it’s hard to keep track of them! Time was, you could depend on Democrats for sex scandals and Republicans for money ones–not anymore! We’ve gone bipartisan with both

Ignoring Newt Gingrich’s epic fails at honoring porn and strip club owners with awards for their all-American entrepeneurship because those were not really sex scandals, just clueless jokes (Newt’s own adulterous indiscretions are in the past … probably), let’s see what’s on our plate. We’ve had Elizabeth Edwards possibly divorcing former Presidential candidate husband John because she didn’t think he was in love with his paramour, he was just a randy sonuvabitch. Come on, Elizabeth, he promised Rielle a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews band…after you DIED. Surely that was love–or bad taste. Jenny Sanford has signed to write a book about her life with Mark, he of the Argentinian tango on South Carolina funds! I’m sure we’ll find out more about the “family values” of the governor who skipped out on his kids Boy Scout outing for a tryst in Buenos Aires!
And it hasn’t been limited to politicians. Roman Polanski finally got nailed for the sexual assault charge he pleaded guilty to and then skipped out on when it looked like the judge was going to sentence him to more than a slap on the wrist. As Whoopi Goldberg said, “That was only child rape, not rape rape. That 13 year old knew what what she was doing.” After a few glasses of champagne. What a little slut, eh, Whoopie? And now David Letterman does a monologue about boffing some female members of his staff to forestall anyone ELSE from getting the idea of blackmailing him for it. Oh, I meant to forestall his fans from finding out, not in the tabloids, but in REAL NEWSPAPERS! Or TMZ, whichever comes first.
Which brings me to my final bit of tawdriness. Back in the good old days, when a man discovered his wife was doing the hot mambo behind his back, why he’d pick up his brace of pistols and challenge the guy to a duel. Or ambush him in the dark. Or ambush THEM in the dark. Or just shoot him in the most public place possible, preferably in the most embarassing place possible. And in Arizona, he can still do it in a saloon! But the one that takes the cake is the Senator Ensign “affair.” Seems while John was boffing Cindy Hampton, her husband didn’t smack the Nevada senator in the chops, but decided it was a golden opportunity to rake in a little of his own. After John had paid Cindy “severance” pay on the order of $96,000, he helped hubby Doug to get two jobs. But that wasn’t enough for Doug, you betcha, as he allegedly tried to blackmail John and the Republican National Committee into even more hush money. I think Doug showed the true spirit of American entrepeneurship. Hey Newt! I think we have a new candidate for your award! CHA-CHING!

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Cojones! Get your Hot Cojones Heah!

Democrats are amazed at the sack that Alan Grayson has with him, since theirs are empty.

Finally!

Well, it seems Congressman Alan Grayson has breached the unwritten law of modern parliamentary procedure–he told the truth! He said it bluntly and with nary an “Esteemed Colleagues” either. Well, not the whole truth–he did say that the Republican Health Plan was “Don’t get sick, but if you do, die quickly.” He forgot the part about “Work when you should take sick leave or we’ll dock your pay.” I know about that part, I once worked at a company that told that to someone who had flu and then DIED. Quickly, I might add.
This isn’t merely amazing Democrats, but it’s absolutely infuriating Republicans. According to The Nation, NRCC spokesman Ken Spain called it pathological behavior, and Congressman Tom Price of Georgia has introduced a resolution accusing Grayson of “a breach of decorum and (degrading) the integrity and proceedings of the House.” Wow. He should read some of the antics that went on in the 20th century (or is that too retro?)! Hell, he should turn on C-Span and watch one of the debates in Parliament! Hey, Tom! This isn’t the Senate, this is the House! The People’s Chamber! You’re allowed not to wear a gray suit–and you get much less under-the-table to boot!
Grayson was given a chance for a mea culpa on Wolf Blitzer where he offered an apology–not to the Republicans who demanded it, but to the 44,000 people who die each year under our current excuse for health care. At the suggestion that he was as bad as Joe Wilson–naturally the Republicans didn’t actually call Joe BAD–Grayson patiently explained the difference between telling the truth and publicly calling the President a liar–to his face–in front of millions of people when Wilson himself didn’t even have the facts straight. Personally, I think Wilson jumped his cue–which was why the handsitting members of his party gave him dirty looks–it wasn’t the point where they had expected to leap from their chairs and cry “Woot!” But like I said, Alan even amazed Democratic strategist James Carville–never exactly known for being a shrinking violet himself–who, although he admired Grayson’s courage, said he would have called the Republicans “regressive” instead of “knuckle-dragging Neanderthals“. I might be forced to agree with Jim–calling this bunch of obstructionists Neanderthals does a disservice to cavemen everywhere–despite how bad their TV show was! The cavemen’s, not the Republicans’.
While Republicans are united in their own lack of cojones–as long as we all agree to say no, who needs them?–the Democrats DO have another guy with brass ones–I’m referring to Senator Baucus, who presided over the voting down of the public options amendments–the option that most Americans want and 3 out of 4 doctors recommend!–explaining that he didn’t think they would be able to get 60 votes. Max–it takes only 51 votes to pass a bill, it only needs 60 when you’re trying to get it to a vote against a filibuster threat. Thanks for telling us that not only would you not vote for real healthcare reform, but you’d side with those who didn’t even want it to be voted on! Man, the health care lobby has gotten its money’s worth from YOU!
But the one person in the Democratic Party who SHOULD be showing some nads is the one who’s showing them the least–the ostensible head of the Party–yes I mean you, Barry (not that you read any blogs anymore). I know you’d rather be having photo ops with cute kids and HuffPost readers, but dammit, campaigning ended almost a year ago–it’s time to be fulfilling some of that hope oil you sold us! I mean, even Netanyahu knows you’d never DO anything to back up your pursed lips. Take a stand on this and ACT on it. The time for inspiring words alone is passed. Otherwise, your party’s leadership is going to pass to a freshman Congressman who actually has the steel ones to stand up for what he says instead of just playing pocket billiards.
Rack ‘em up again, boys, we got a live one.

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