And The Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award Goes To …

Carlos Danger?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!

(AR)Anthony J. Wiener, candidate for Mayor of New York City, was presented today with the Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award at being a dick. The award, named for Anthony Wiener after his last Twitter flashing scandal, was presented to Wiener after the story of his latest sexting fiasco went pubic … err, public. Mr. Wiener said that weathering his latest crisis will make him a better mayor, and when presented with the celebratory brass phallus and balls, said, “Aww, guys, you shouldn’t have. Seriously, you shouldn’t have.”

Actually, Anthony–YOU shouldn’t have! You want to be a better mayor? STOP HAVING S**T FOR BRAINS!

(Note to self: find Anthony Wiener’s Porn Name Generator.)

I realize that this week’s cartoon isn’t very complex, but after I saw John Cuneo’s New Yorker cover, I realized that nothing could top it. This is one cover that really stands out, up and out there!

In any case, it is time to announce my summer hiatus. From August to early September, I will either be prepping for conventions or actually attending them. I will be at Otakon at the Baltimore Convention Center, August 8-11, where I will have pictures in the Art Show and will be taking pictures of cosplayers and having a good time. August 23-25 will see me at Intervention Con, at the Hilton Washington DC/Rockville, in Artists Alley. And from September 13 through September 15, I will be at AnimeUSA at the Washington Wardman Park Marriott, once again in the Art Show and schmoozing. We will return on September 23 and we hope we will have an ADDITIONAL FEATURE to share with you then! Watch this space and my Facebook page for further announcements!

Fred and Bert Squirrel join me in wishing you a great summer! See you soon!

Endless repetition of “The Girl from Ipanema”

Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah
When she walks, she’s like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes – ooh

Due to technical difficulties beyond our control (namely the computer being in and out of the shop all week), Intravenous Caffeine will not be updating on Monday July 22. Hopefully (fingers x’d) we’ll have something special for you next week. THX!

(Ooh) But I watch her so sadly, how can I tell her I love her
Yes I would give my heart gladly,
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me
Tall, and tan, and young, and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, I smile – but she doesn’t see (doesn’t see)
(She just doesn’t see, she never sees me…)

Photo from allmotivated.com

The Jackass–a species that will never be endangered in Texas

Called back to a “Special Special” session to protect women from the sin of abortion, Texas legislators were protected by police who confiscated objects that might be thrown at them. Tampons. Maxi-pads. “Imagine the humiliation we might have suffered by being hit in the face with a feminine product,” Texas State Senator Hugh Jass said. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have to draw our weapons to defend ourselves against these marauding fee-males who want to kill babies.”

Governer Rick “Good Hair-do” Perry defended the measure. “They say that this law will force women to have illegal abortions. I say that history will prove them wrong. They’ll be forced to stay barefoot and pregnant and have them little dickenses like the Good Lord intended.”

Perry shot off his six-shooter in celebration of the law’s passage. He said that this would guarantee his place in Texas history books. “That and my record of signing 263 execution orders,” he quipped. Perry will not be seeking a fifth term as governor, but may consider a run for the Presidency in 2016. That is, if he can remember that third department he’d close.

In other news, the prosecution sighed with relief as George Zimmerman was acquitted of 2nd degree murder in the death of Trayvon Martin. “Thank goodness,” prosecutors said, “we could have gotten a manslaughter conviction standing on our heads.”

Scalp um, Swamp um, We will take um big score!

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n’Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ’em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football 🙂 )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

And check out my DeviantArt gallery:

GregoriusU @ Deviant Art

CALENDAR

July 2013

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