Sex Scandals–The ONLY Truly Bipartisan Game in Town!

A staffer confesses to her (multiple choice to cover all possibilities) affair with her boss, senator, congressman, TV show host, etc.. Her husband's thought? How do I get a piece of this?

You've Got BLACKMAIL!

It’s been a GOOD couple of weeks for adultery! We’ve had so many sex scandals and continuing stories of past sex scandals, it’s hard to keep track of them! Time was, you could depend on Democrats for sex scandals and Republicans for money ones–not anymore! We’ve gone bipartisan with both

Ignoring Newt Gingrich’s epic fails at honoring porn and strip club owners with awards for their all-American entrepeneurship because those were not really sex scandals, just clueless jokes (Newt’s own adulterous indiscretions are in the past … probably), let’s see what’s on our plate. We’ve had Elizabeth Edwards possibly divorcing former Presidential candidate husband John because she didn’t think he was in love with his paramour, he was just a randy sonuvabitch. Come on, Elizabeth, he promised Rielle a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews band…after you DIED. Surely that was love–or bad taste. Jenny Sanford has signed to write a book about her life with Mark, he of the Argentinian tango on South Carolina funds! I’m sure we’ll find out more about the “family values” of the governor who skipped out on his kids Boy Scout outing for a tryst in Buenos Aires!
And it hasn’t been limited to politicians. Roman Polanski finally got nailed for the sexual assault charge he pleaded guilty to and then skipped out on when it looked like the judge was going to sentence him to more than a slap on the wrist. As Whoopi Goldberg said, “That was only child rape, not rape rape. That 13 year old knew what what she was doing.” After a few glasses of champagne. What a little slut, eh, Whoopie? And now David Letterman does a monologue about boffing some female members of his staff to forestall anyone ELSE from getting the idea of blackmailing him for it. Oh, I meant to forestall his fans from finding out, not in the tabloids, but in REAL NEWSPAPERS! Or TMZ, whichever comes first.
Which brings me to my final bit of tawdriness. Back in the good old days, when a man discovered his wife was doing the hot mambo behind his back, why he’d pick up his brace of pistols and challenge the guy to a duel. Or ambush him in the dark. Or ambush THEM in the dark. Or just shoot him in the most public place possible, preferably in the most embarassing place possible. And in Arizona, he can still do it in a saloon! But the one that takes the cake is the Senator Ensign “affair.” Seems while John was boffing Cindy Hampton, her husband didn’t smack the Nevada senator in the chops, but decided it was a golden opportunity to rake in a little of his own. After John had paid Cindy “severance” pay on the order of $96,000, he helped hubby Doug to get two jobs. But that wasn’t enough for Doug, you betcha, as he allegedly tried to blackmail John and the Republican National Committee into even more hush money. I think Doug showed the true spirit of American entrepeneurship. Hey Newt! I think we have a new candidate for your award! CHA-CHING!

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This just in from Moosylvania–Palin Skedaddles

Homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle--celebrating the resignation of moosekiller Palin--Boris Badenov saw the party in Alaska from his window-- with guest appearance by Invader Zim who opines that Palin is crazy like a moose, and Gir who put lipstick on a pig.

Palin is so upset she went out to sue a Moore--I mean shoot a moose

Something tells me that Sarah Palin’s dustup with Dave Letterman didn’t quite have the salutory effect she wanted it to have. Sure, she made the headlines–for looking like an idiot–and his ratings went up a couple of notches. The media can be just so mean to poor little Sarah. So taking the advice that “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” she decided to quit being governor. I’m not sure that that is exactly what that saying was supposed to mean, but that’s the way Sarah saw it. After all, she wants to get down more to the lower 48 as the Alaskans call it to have a greater visibility on the national stage in preparation for her presidential run in 2012. She has a book deal with Rupert Murdoch and there’s speculation that Fox News would love to have her spreading innuendo about godless liberal socialist fascist Muslims. There’s also speculation that there may be more ethics probes on the way and more than a few people have suggested that perhaps there is a family matter that needs to be handled before it becomes an issue. I’m rather hoping that she’ll confess to being one of Mark Sanford’s earlier dalliances–you know, the ones that he claimed not to have crossed some undefined line in? Rumors all of it–Sarah just got BORED and when Sarah gets bored, she quits and leaves her mess behind for someone else to clean up. She’s done it before–quitting the chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. I wonder if she would have quit the Vice Presidency had McCain won? After all, being VPOTUS is supposed to be a terribly boring job–it was once famously described as not being worth a bucket of warm spit–only it wasn’t spit that was warm. That’s changed since Dick Cheney turned it into the actual power behind the throne, but Joe Biden seems intent on moving it back to its rightful place. Still, Bill Kristol thinks it might be a brilliant move–a certain sign that it is anything but. I’ll go with Karl Rove on this. Sarah, dear Sarah, what are you thinking? Of course, I’ve now become one of the bloggers she may be threatening to sue, like Shannyn Moore from the Huffington Post

Nice of her to make that threat on the 4th of July weekend, when we celebrate the freedoms of the United States–like freedom of speech and freedom of the press.
Today’s cartoon is an homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle. Back when I did my original Palin treatment, I’d planned on sticking Bullwinkle in it, but there just wasn’t enough room to do justice to the mighty moose. I obviously knew I would need to use him further on down the line

Invader Zim and Gir have joined the party celebrating Sarah’s resignation–after all, what could be better than a room with a moose if not a room with a herd of moose?

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We Know You’re Superman, Jimmy–We Heard It On Twitter!

In an issue of FRACTION COMICS (the magazine for halfwits), Clark Kent uses Twitter to foist suspicion of Superman's secret identity on Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter.y

Clark Kent discovers Twitter to be a great way to protect his secret identity

Well, it’s became an even worse week for celebrities. Karl Malden passed away the other day, my GOD, the man was 97, that means back when he was doing all those American Express commercials, he was in his vigorous 70s! For some people, death is God’s way of telling you to take a vacation. And with all these deaths going on, Richard Wilkins of Australia’s Channel Nine, announced that Jeff Goldblum had also died. He’d read it on Twitter and as we all know, what you read on Twitter you can take to the bank. Well, it seems as if rumors of Jeff Goldblum’s demise were somewhat premature–as we found out on the Colbert Report where Jeff Goldblum delivered a eulogy for…Jeff Goldblum.
Which brings up a question–are we supposed to treat Twitter as a reliable news source? Looks like CNN, MSNBC and Fox News are doing it here in the States. After all, would anyone tweet something that wasn’t true? The problem is, as newspaper editors and publishers have been finding out, the 24 hour news cycle is soooooooo last century. With the advent of blogs, we shifted to a 1440 MINUTE news cycle and now with Twitter, an 86,400 SECOND news cycle. Who will be the first to tweet the findings of Michael Jackson’s autopsy? How fast will it spread over cyberspace? Will it be the real news, or will someone be tweeting a hoax?
The fact is, Twitter is not an information spreading technology, it’s a rumor spreading technology. Yes, it can be used to spread the news of something important like the Iranian uprising. But even there, we only got half the story–the half that the people who had access to Twitter wanted us to have. It’s accepted knowledge that the election results were fraudulent, but according to ABC/Washington Post polls taken the week before the election, there was every chance that the reported results, despite some irregularities, did indeed reflect the vote of the country. But we chose to believe the faction that claimed fraud–partially because we wanted to believe them and partially because of the barrage of news being tweeted at us. This is not to say that my sympathies do not lie with the Iranian people, but it’s important for us to realize that Twitter is not a news source. It can spread news, but it can also be used to spread rumor, propaganda and disinformation. Just ask Jeff Goldblum

Just to clear things up, no, people who read comics are NOT halfwits–if I thought they were, I wouldn’t be DRAWING them–but I just couldn’t resist the play on words with Fraction Comics.

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A BAD Week for Celebrities

A wealthy couple walks through a cemetery at night and are startled to see the ghost of Billy Mays pitching Oxyclean for their salvation

Billy Mays--pitching from the other side (in the style of Charles Addams)

Usually, deaths comes in threes–last week, tho, it managed to hit four celebrities. It was a pretty bad week to be a celebrity, one of the few times it paid to be — obscure. (Although really, I could afford to be a little less obscure than I am). Ed McMahon. Well, he had a good run. Graduate of my alma mater, he defined for my generation what is was to be a second banana. He was having some financial troubles towards the end, so we sort of saw it coming. Joan Rivers used his death as an opportunity to blast Johnny Carson, but no one ever said Joan Rivers wasn’t tacky. Farrah Fawcett Majors–now that was a sad case. I remember seeing her on the “Roast” of Bill Shatner–and she seemed very out of it, so much so that it seemed like it was turning from a roast of Bill to a roast of Farrah. Shortly afterwards, we heard about her cancer and I’m sure that had a lot to do with her appearance that night. She was still beautiful, but it was obvious she’d lost a LOT of weight. Her pain is over…
Now, Michael Jackson. The poor guy can’t even DIE without causing a media circus. Was it drugs, was it this, was it that, should his doctor be arrested, yadayada. The disgusting thing is that people are getting into fistfights, with some people saying, “we’ve lost a great talent,” and others going, “Good, one less pervert.” I don’t think Michael was a child molester. I think he was weird as all get-out, he certainly did some inappropriate things with youngsters, but I really don’t think he was a sociopath who thought he was beyond the concepts of right and wrong. More like, he never quite understood the consequences of some of his actions and how they would appear to others. Like dangling his son over the balcony edge. Sure, he held onto him, he wouldn’t let him drop. But he never considered what the effect on the kid would be, nor that people would perceive it as potentially harmful. So I’m sad that Michael passed on. As for the people saying, “One less pervert,” they’re already justified in their own minds.
So finally we come to Billy Mays. God you had to love that guy. The ultimate pitchman, he filled any room with energy. I remember watching his lesser brethren on the boardwalks of Asbury Park and Atlantic City when I was growing up–I believe Billy got his start on the boardwalks also. I think he’d rather enjoy my little opus letting him pitch Oxyclean from the other side. A rough landing in an airplane appears to have broken open one of the luggage bins above him and he got a smack on the head, causing an epidural hematoma like Natasha Richardson sustained when she died as a result of a ski accident head injury. The FAA claims that Billy was at fault for not wearing a seat belt–I’m sure his wearing a seat belt would have kept the latch closed on the luggage bin…sounds like they’re trying to save the airline from a negligence suit, which shouldn’t be the job of the FAA at all. But we’ve gotten used to the government protecting poor corporate giants from big bad customers. But Billy had it right. The customer was THE important thing. You could have the best product in the world, but if you didn’t treat your customers right, you’d have a warehouse of unsold merchandise. Perhaps we should start thinking of the people who tell us that their businesses are too big or too important to fail as just hucksters and pitchmen. It’s a shame to lose one who was honest enough to accept and enjoy who he was.

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