SNOWMAGEDDON!

After spending the weekend digging out, and faced with the prospect of another dig come Tuesday or Wednesday, your cartoonist/columnist is following the example of the Federal government and taking the day off. Hopefully things will be better on Thursday!

Happy New Year … it should be better than the Old one?

Happy New Year–Happy New Decade! Good Riddance to the Old one(s)! What a pile of manure the new century has turned out to be so far (as Bess Truman said to the people who complained about Harry saying “you need some ‘manure’ on these roses”, “What? It took me 25 years to get him to say THAT!”) Let’s start things off right with a really funny but hard-hitting cartoon. What’s been happening?
Hmmm, we’re still talking about the airliner bomb FAIL, the security FAIL and the “no intention of invading–I mean, sending troops to Yemen” (I hope) not-yet FAIL. That’s two weeks old and I posted an oldie-but-goodie over Christmas to cover it. Timmy Geithner and his magic “shhhh-let’s keep this a secret” emails? Not funny enough, that can wait for Thursday. Health Care? SOOoooo last year! Besides they’re hashing it out behind closed doors, contra Obama’s promise that it will be televised on C-SPAN. Transparency is becoming more opaque every day. What else?
All righty then, let’s check and see if Lindsay Lohan is having a meltdown. Oh wow, Lindsay had to fly–COMMERCIAL! How sad. Casey Johnson died–who was she again? Some rich heiress who was Tila Tequila’s ‘wifey’? Whose biggest claim to fame previously was turning down Paris Hilton’s offer to start a TV program called “The Simple Life”? And who’s Tila Tequila again? Let’s call this one too sad for SO MANY reasons and decide not to start off the new decade with such a bummer!
AH-HAH! I have it–someone’s exhibiting a sexbot at the Vegas Adult Entertainment Expo! Now there’s something you could get your teeth into! errrrrrr… Oh, she’s not REALLY a sexbot. Inventor Douglas Hines says “The sex robot thing is marketing – it’s really about making a companion.” Um-hum…sure. Well, not in its present state, she can’t even walk yet–has to be carted around in a wheel chair so far. And she kind of has the expression of the girl in the bar who’s had one too many when you passed that marker two hours ago. Actually from her rather limited set of capabilities, she looks like a “stripped-down” version of Aiko, the “not a sex bot” gynoid that Le Trung is making up in Canada. Although designed to eventually service as a maid, (Everybody ought to have a maid…) Aiko’s name is actually a Japanese word meaning “love child,” and she looks a heckuva lot more sophisticated than Roxxxy, the new robot, tho not as realistic as the computer generated photos from RealDolls (bet the real dolls don’t look half as good), life-sized dolls that are actually SUPPOSED to be sexbots. Oh, brave new world…
Anyway, since Roxxxy is actually supposed to have conversations like a real woman, I thought I’d give my take on one of the many discussions that might come up. Happy New Year

Carrie Prejean to donate tapes as educational aid!

Readers, I have never been one to minimize the importance of self love. In fact, I’d say there was no one in the world I had more respect for than myself…and I will even respect myself in the morning, which is one of the advantages of a dissociative personality. It goes without saying that if you don’t love yourself, you cannot love anyone else, so I won’t say it, no matter how hard I force myself.
Woody Allen explained in Love and Death that the reason he was such a great lover was because he practiced so much when he was alone. Which brings me to my next topic. It seems the Extramadura region of Spain has developed a program to educate young teens in the practice of “self love”. And by “self love,” they don’t mean “positive thinking,” although it is claimed the practice will certainly perk up your self-esteem, along with certain other parts of your anatomy! Although the BBC article doesn’t mention it, I’m sure two of the reasons for touching on this topic are that it will reduce teen pregnancies and slow the spread of STDs, not to mention that it will serve in later years to maintain prostate health. After all–aren’t we talking about the safest sex there is? And you don’t even mind if your partner is unfaithful–more power to it! What I want to know is–does it take more than one class to explain it? Are there be special techniques which must be explained and explored? Use of magazines and the internet? Perhaps an advanced class on “self love à deux”? What about lab sessions? And just what will the homework be like?
Naturally, the Catholic Church and conservative political groups in Spain have exploded over this immoral class, spewing heated pronouncements about the dire effects of using those body parts for fun instead of producing babies. No one, as far as I can tell, has suggested that perhaps if priests had practiced more self love, there would be fewer altar boys with problems sitting down. Perhaps nuns would be less likely to bring out the old yardstick after a few self confidence sessions.
Which brings us to our favorite model of morality and former beauty pageant queen, Carrie Prejean. Carrie, you will remember, is so honest that she felt she had to state her convictions at the Miss California pageant that gay marriage is sinful and immoral because it says so in the Bible. Carrie is not prejudiced against gay people–some of her best friends, including her hairdresser, are gay and she’s heartbroken that so many nice people are going to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. And she is honest–after all, she owned up about her boob job after California pageant officials demanded she repay them for it for breaching her contract. Having your own boobs filling out a bathing suit is so passé–only in California would you be judged honest by admitting you had a boob job when the evidence is right out in front of you–sort of like Sean Hannity admitting his production staff doctored the tapes of the other week’s Michele Bachmann Tea Party only after he’d been caught by Jon Stewart (and then tried to explain that it was inadvertent–as if you could accidentally mix up tapes from one day with coverage of an event almost two months before–obviously they’d both been shot on the same VHS cassette).
Now, Miss Prejean has argued vehemently that the Bible says NOTHING against having a boob job–my suspicion is that it never occurred to Moses since silicone hadn’t been invented, although he might have thought it violated the false witness commandment in that Carrie’s boobs were bearing false witness against themselves–and so Carrie counter-sued the Pageant, only to drop everything when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, it became known that Carrie had made a little sex tape for her then boyfriend–nothing too serious, just a spot of driving Miss Daisy–not even a threesome or girl-girl action! She settled quickly and, when she thought the old lecher was asking her about it, she nearly walked off the set of Larry King during an interview. Suffice it to say, she said that making that tape was the worst decision she ever made in her life. Not counting the other 7 tapes she made, which must have been the seven other worst mistakes in her life. Or the 30 topless mistakes she also sent him.
Now you may think this is just a tempest in a teapot, and you’d be right! After all, I have nothing against pretty naked girls (darn it!) and if any wants to send me any pics or videos of herself, please, go right ahead–just send me an email. I promise it will NEVER get out of my hands–so to speak. But I also think that Carrie should offer some amends for having diddled the skittle about her lily-white honesty quotient. If just to provide us with the moral example we so obviously need from her. Therefore, I call upon her to send her tapes to Extramadura to serve as study aids! And let THAT be a lesson to them!

SPECIAL EDITION SHOCKER: POPE CANONIZES BARACK OBAMA

(SNN) ROME– In an incredible followup to this morning’s announcement of Barack Obama’s Nobel Prize, Pope Benedict conferred canonization upon him as well. “Today, Divine Wisdom allows us to gather around his altar with praise and thanksgiving for the grace granted to us in the canonization of President Barack Obama,” said the pontiff. The pope addressed the unusual circumstances of this elevation: “While Barack Obama has not yet performed the requisite three miracles, he has offered the world hope after the idiocy of his predecessor. He has furthermore shown so much promise that we cannot believe but that an abundance of miracles will flow.” While saints usually come from within the Catholic faith, the Pope said, “The consecration of someone who may have once been a Muslim and even now is only a Protestant heretic is a sign of the ecumenism that the Church is supposed to show.” Pope Benedict continued, “The canonization of one who isn’t dead yet demonstrates the commitment of the Church to modernization in its abandonment of mortuist prejudice.” The announcement was met with cries of “Possumus! Possumus!” Yes, we can in the ancient language of Rome.
The White House was unavailable for comment.

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ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published Mondays and Thursdays.

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