Carrie Prejean to donate tapes as educational aid!

Carrie Prejean's tapes will become educational aids...

Readers, I have never been one to minimize the importance of self love. In fact, I’d say there was no one in the world I had more respect for than myself…and I will even respect myself in the morning, which is one of the advantages of a dissociative personality. It goes without saying that if you don’t love yourself, you cannot love anyone else, so I won’t say it, no matter how hard I force myself.
Woody Allen explained in Love and Death that the reason he was such a great lover was because he practiced so much when he was alone. Which brings me to my next topic. It seems the Extramadura region of Spain has developed a program to educate young teens in the practice of “self love”. And by “self love,” they don’t mean “positive thinking,” although it is claimed the practice will certainly perk up your self-esteem, along with certain other parts of your anatomy! Although the BBC article doesn’t mention it, I’m sure two of the reasons for touching on this topic are that it will reduce teen pregnancies and slow the spread of STDs, not to mention that it will serve in later years to maintain prostate health. After all–aren’t we talking about the safest sex there is? And you don’t even mind if your partner is unfaithful–more power to it! What I want to know is–does it take more than one class to explain it? Are there be special techniques which must be explained and explored? Use of magazines and the internet? Perhaps an advanced class on “self love à deux”? What about lab sessions? And just what will the homework be like?
Naturally, the Catholic Church and conservative political groups in Spain have exploded over this immoral class, spewing heated pronouncements about the dire effects of using those body parts for fun instead of producing babies. No one, as far as I can tell, has suggested that perhaps if priests had practiced more self love, there would be fewer altar boys with problems sitting down. Perhaps nuns would be less likely to bring out the old yardstick after a few self confidence sessions.
Which brings us to our favorite model of morality and former beauty pageant queen, Carrie Prejean. Carrie, you will remember, is so honest that she felt she had to state her convictions at the Miss California pageant that gay marriage is sinful and immoral because it says so in the Bible. Carrie is not prejudiced against gay people–some of her best friends, including her hairdresser, are gay and she’s heartbroken that so many nice people are going to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. And she is honest–after all, she owned up about her boob job after California pageant officials demanded she repay them for it for breaching her contract. Having your own boobs filling out a bathing suit is so passé–only in California would you be judged honest by admitting you had a boob job when the evidence is right out in front of you–sort of like Sean Hannity admitting his production staff doctored the tapes of the other week’s Michele Bachmann Tea Party only after he’d been caught by Jon Stewart (and then tried to explain that it was inadvertent–as if you could accidentally mix up tapes from one day with coverage of an event almost two months before–obviously they’d both been shot on the same VHS cassette).
Now, Miss Prejean has argued vehemently that the Bible says NOTHING against having a boob job–my suspicion is that it never occurred to Moses since silicone hadn’t been invented, although he might have thought it violated the false witness commandment in that Carrie’s boobs were bearing false witness against themselves–and so Carrie counter-sued the Pageant, only to drop everything when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, it became known that Carrie had made a little sex tape for her then boyfriend–nothing too serious, just a spot of driving Miss Daisy–not even a threesome or girl-girl action! She settled quickly and, when she thought the old lecher was asking her about it, she nearly walked off the set of Larry King during an interview. Suffice it to say, she said that making that tape was the worst decision she ever made in her life. Not counting the other 7 tapes she made, which must have been the seven other worst mistakes in her life. Or the 30 topless mistakes she also sent him.
Now you may think this is just a tempest in a teapot, and you’d be right! After all, I have nothing against pretty naked girls (darn it!) and if any wants to send me any pics or videos of herself, please, go right ahead–just send me an email. I promise it will NEVER get out of my hands–so to speak. But I also think that Carrie should offer some amends for having diddled the skittle about her lily-white honesty quotient. If just to provide us with the moral example we so obviously need from her. Therefore, I call upon her to send her tapes to Extramadura to serve as study aids! And let THAT be a lesson to them!

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SPECIAL EDITION SHOCKER: POPE CANONIZES BARACK OBAMA

Pope Benedict announces the shocking pre-decease canonization of Barack Obama!

Let's all put our hands together for the new saint!

(SNN) ROME– In an incredible followup to this morning’s announcement of Barack Obama’s Nobel Prize, Pope Benedict conferred canonization upon him as well. “Today, Divine Wisdom allows us to gather around his altar with praise and thanksgiving for the grace granted to us in the canonization of President Barack Obama,” said the pontiff. The pope addressed the unusual circumstances of this elevation: “While Barack Obama has not yet performed the requisite three miracles, he has offered the world hope after the idiocy of his predecessor. He has furthermore shown so much promise that we cannot believe but that an abundance of miracles will flow.” While saints usually come from within the Catholic faith, the Pope said, “The consecration of someone who may have once been a Muslim and even now is only a Protestant heretic is a sign of the ecumenism that the Church is supposed to show.” Pope Benedict continued, “The canonization of one who isn’t dead yet demonstrates the commitment of the Church to modernization in its abandonment of mortuist prejudice.” The announcement was met with cries of “Possumus! Possumus!” Yes, we can in the ancient language of Rome.
The White House was unavailable for comment.

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Sex Scandals–The ONLY Truly Bipartisan Game in Town!

A staffer confesses to her (multiple choice to cover all possibilities) affair with her boss, senator, congressman, TV show host, etc.. Her husband's thought? How do I get a piece of this?

You've Got BLACKMAIL!

It’s been a GOOD couple of weeks for adultery! We’ve had so many sex scandals and continuing stories of past sex scandals, it’s hard to keep track of them! Time was, you could depend on Democrats for sex scandals and Republicans for money ones–not anymore! We’ve gone bipartisan with both

Ignoring Newt Gingrich’s epic fails at honoring porn and strip club owners with awards for their all-American entrepeneurship because those were not really sex scandals, just clueless jokes (Newt’s own adulterous indiscretions are in the past … probably), let’s see what’s on our plate. We’ve had Elizabeth Edwards possibly divorcing former Presidential candidate husband John because she didn’t think he was in love with his paramour, he was just a randy sonuvabitch. Come on, Elizabeth, he promised Rielle a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews band…after you DIED. Surely that was love–or bad taste. Jenny Sanford has signed to write a book about her life with Mark, he of the Argentinian tango on South Carolina funds! I’m sure we’ll find out more about the “family values” of the governor who skipped out on his kids Boy Scout outing for a tryst in Buenos Aires!
And it hasn’t been limited to politicians. Roman Polanski finally got nailed for the sexual assault charge he pleaded guilty to and then skipped out on when it looked like the judge was going to sentence him to more than a slap on the wrist. As Whoopi Goldberg said, “That was only child rape, not rape rape. That 13 year old knew what what she was doing.” After a few glasses of champagne. What a little slut, eh, Whoopie? And now David Letterman does a monologue about boffing some female members of his staff to forestall anyone ELSE from getting the idea of blackmailing him for it. Oh, I meant to forestall his fans from finding out, not in the tabloids, but in REAL NEWSPAPERS! Or TMZ, whichever comes first.
Which brings me to my final bit of tawdriness. Back in the good old days, when a man discovered his wife was doing the hot mambo behind his back, why he’d pick up his brace of pistols and challenge the guy to a duel. Or ambush him in the dark. Or ambush THEM in the dark. Or just shoot him in the most public place possible, preferably in the most embarassing place possible. And in Arizona, he can still do it in a saloon! But the one that takes the cake is the Senator Ensign “affair.” Seems while John was boffing Cindy Hampton, her husband didn’t smack the Nevada senator in the chops, but decided it was a golden opportunity to rake in a little of his own. After John had paid Cindy “severance” pay on the order of $96,000, he helped hubby Doug to get two jobs. But that wasn’t enough for Doug, you betcha, as he allegedly tried to blackmail John and the Republican National Committee into even more hush money. I think Doug showed the true spirit of American entrepeneurship. Hey Newt! I think we have a new candidate for your award! CHA-CHING!

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Science Shocker! Blue Dog Democrats Can Dance! Experts Baffled!

Like parrots, Bluedog Democrats apparently share with humans a sense of rhythm and ability to dance...

In rare footage, Bluedog Democrats are seen dancing to a HealthCo beat...

Washington (AP)–In a new scientific study, behavioral psychologist Dr. D. Ingleberry has announced the amazing conclusion that contrary to all prior evidence, Bluedog Democrats are indeed capable of dancing. “We previously thought that due to their seeming inability to respond to cues provided by their constituencies or party affiliation, Bluedog Democrats had no sense of rhythm or timing whatsoever. However, evidence from YouTube videos show that Bluedogs, like parrots, share with humans a sense of rhythm and ability to dance. Indeed, they do seem rather parrot-like in their motions.”
Dr. Ohso Obvious added to her colleagues remarks that Bluedogs seem to evidence a kind of rudimentary discrimination. “They won’t dance to just anything. They seem to respond best to beats provided by lobbyists, especially the health insurance lobbies, and dance wildly in response to the waving of campaign contributions, much like dancers at a rave respond to light wands.” This is in keeping with the Bluedog philosophy that the people are entitled to the best government money can buy. “And since the best healthcare must obviously be the most expensive, we shall continue to endeavor to fight any efforts to provide our voters with cheaper alternatives.”
Video footage of the Bluedog dancing was not available but the scientists provided this additional video of a dancing parrot for readers to see what the dancing most closely resembled.