Beckstianity 101–Social Justice is un-American

Now I don’t like to knock a guy twice in the same week. Not that I think it’s unfair, but it always strikes me as a lack of imagination on my part. Surely there’s someone ELSE you can lampoon, Greg. Oh, of course there is–and stop calling me Shirley. But Glenn Beck, bless his pointy little head, has managed to do so.

Of course, last Thursday’s cartoon wasn’t really a mock on der Beckstein (although the text was ). Getting Eric Massa on his show SEEMED like a good idea at the time. How was Beck supposed to know that a Democrat might not be disloyal to President Obama? Or that he would think that male-on-male tickling orgies might be misconstrued as sexual in nature? Or that he would take little Glennie to task for the alacrity with which right-wing commentators and Teabaggers call everyone they don’t agree with Nazis or socialists?

OK so his counterparts on Fox News all told him so. Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?

But he also managed not only to reveal that he never actually listened to the lyrics to “Born in the USA”. I guess for the last 25-and-a-half he’s been looking at the FRONT of the album cover with The Boss’s tight-jeaned butt smiling at the camera in front of a flag, head-banging along and singing BORN IN THE USA every time it came around. Yeah, Baby, Born in the USA! And for 25.5 years he never actually “listened” to the lyrics to find out what Bruce Springsteen had to say. Well, I can understand that, sometimes even us boys from Jersey find it hard to understand New Jersey. But to ADMIT IT, as if he just found out something everyone in America already KNEW! that just boggles the mind.

Only to be topped by his warning to the faithful. Now if you thought 25+ years of cluelessness was bad, check out the evidence of a LIFETIME cluelessness. He told his audience that if they heard the words “social justice” in their churches, they should run away as fast as possible to find some other church that did NOT believe in “social justice”, because “social justice” was nothing less than a codeword used by Nazis and Socialists! Now I’ve commented before on the peculiar form of Christianity some people espouse, the Calvinist belief that the poor are miserable, not just because they deserve to be, but because they WANT to be. Because if they didn’t “want” to be poor, why they’d just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make a Horatio Alger success of themselves. So any talk of “social justice” actually allows them to go along, living off unemployment and welfare. This he says, in the middle of a recession where 1 out of 6 people of working age is either unemployed or underemployed. Way to go Glenn!

But the corker is that hitherto, lots of church leaders thought Glenn was the bee’s knees. Now, they’re up in arms–because if there’s one thing that Christian churches have in common, it’s preaching charity, helping your fellow man, fighting for social justice, because their founder, that #$%^&* liberal Jesus Christ, said it was important. More important than praying as a matter of fact. Even the Mormons, who most people figure on being iffy Christians–and Glenn Beck, having been raised Catholic, converted to Mormonism in his adulthood. Looks like SOMEBODY hasn’t been paying attention in church for a long long time. I mean, we all try to not listen to sermons, but usually some of what was said sinks in after a few decades of repetition. But it’s just like Born in the USA. Glenn Beck just doesn’t pay attention. He’s off in his own little world, dreaming dreams no man ever dreamed before, because they’re too #$^&*( crazy to begin with.

Well, Glenn’s finally “clarified” his statements–I think now he says he meant Big Government instead of Nazis–and apologized in the standard approved format and his faithful congregation have returned to the fold, knowing that Glenn didn’t really mean what he said, even though he did when he said it. But myself, I’ve got to wonder–does this man even HAVE an attention span?

Swine Flu? Bioterrorism? We Report, You Decide!

If you saw the press briefing about the swine flu outbreak the other day (replayed in part on The Daily Show) in which one reporter asked if this could be a bioterrorism attack. Well, this naturally causes one to voice the question, “WTF???” Bio-frickin’-terrorism? Who the hell would have THAT kind of paranoid fantasy? Well, MY guess would be the people who believe that the USA became less safe as of January 20, 2009. You know, the ones who discovered a terrorist plot every time they needed to score some political points so they could claim they’d made us “safer” and who now claim that revealing our use of torture–that everyone already knew about anyway–had made us less safe. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney and Fox News. But it isn’t just limited to them. President Obama went down to Mexico City and shook hands with an archaeologist and the next day, said archaeologist> dropped dead of flu-like symptoms. DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Obama was tested and found clear of the flu virus–a good thing too, because some people may have accused him of giving the flu to the archaeologist, instead of him contracting it from one of the thousands of flu victims in Mexico City. I can see a call for closing the borders coming–keep them illegal immigrants and their flus away.

What I want to know is, if someone was planning on a bioterrorist attack on the US, why did they start the outbreak in Mexico? Why not New York CIty or Chicago or any other crowded US metropolis? I think the only attack here, beyond the simple microbial, is an attack on reason. But that never stopped anything in this country! Reason, schmeason, the economy is in the toilet, our leaders had authorized torture, let’s have a good old-fashioned plague to get things really going. I’m surprised no one’s said it’s God’s wrath. Oh wait a minute, Tiffany Wellsley on Republican Faith Chat tells us that it’s GOD’S LATEST PUNISHMENT OF IDOL-WORSHIP, meaning Catholic saint veneration, and ends her screed with the “silver lining” that it may do something to alleviate the illegal immigration problem. Well, there you have it–a call to close the borders. I’m not going to post THAT url–if you need to find it, google it.

Adam Lambert’s Kiss Spins Bill O’Reilly Out of his Zone

That Bill O’Reilly is a homophobe should come as no surprise to anyone–the very idea of same sex kissing sends a tremor up his spine–unless it’s between three or four hot chicks, in which case, it ain’t his spine that’s all a-trembling. Bill is the kind of guy who likes the original movie “The Producers”, but can’t stand the musical because it was gayed up. After all, in his world view, gays should hide their gayness so as not to embarass any straight people that happen to wander by. It’d be far better if they joined the Church like they’re supposed to.
Which brings us to Adam Lambert, one of the more popular contestants on this season’s edition of American Idol. See Jason Linkins’ column in the Huffington Post Right there we have a problem. You see, in Billo’s mindset, American Idol is supposed to be representative of America, and as we all know, gays aren’t REAL Americans. Now Adam Lambert is gay–and just to prove it, there are some photos floating around the internet of him kissing another man and presumably liking it. Which Billo didn’t show, presumably out of care for his viewers’ tender feelings. Which gave Bill the heebie-jeebies enough to ask his guests, Margaret Hoover and Monica Crowley, whether or not people will abandon American Idol in droves because, omigod, there’s a GAY person competing. And being miffed when neither of the two ladies agreed with him, explaining to him that talent shows are about talent, not about the sexuality of the performers, even if they are called AMERICAN Idol. But it is always fun to see Billo miffed when he makes another asshole judgment and no one agrees with him and he doesn’t have an excuse to call them jerks.
But it’s been a bad week for Bill. Not only has an Iowa court decision allowed gay marriage, but the Vermont legislature actually voted it in AND overrode the Governor’s veto. Not only that but Roger Ebert compared him to Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. Said Ebert, It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! There, there, Bill, at least they’ll have to raise the bridge for your ego.
Here’s the video from Youtube:

Taking Today off because of the flu–BB next week

Been down with a horrible flu or something since Sunday–started one antibiotic on Monday and when that wasn’t working, my doctor prescribed a different one yesterday. I’ve only been able to be out of bed for maximum stretches of 3 hours, so I haven’t even been reading the news carefully, let alone come up with any ideas on how to lampoon it.
However, one thing DID catch my eye on the Huffington Post. There appears to be this minor kerfuffle going on between two shows on two different NBC cable channels. Seems the ladies of THE VIEW had a nice little discussion about female toys which gave the gacks to Mika Brzezinski on MORNING JOE, much to the amusement of Joe Scarborough and “guy who isn’t Joe Scarborough”. Well, led by the “legendary” Barbara Walters, the VIEW girls cooked up something for Mika. It’s all publicity, of course, and publicity, as the saying goes, should always be horned in on, and what the heck, I haven’t done a caricature of Barbara Walters in a while–I wanted to do Mika too, but in my sad condition–where my best friend is a roll of paper toys because kleenex just don’t hold up to my noseblows–a skinny blonde running away was the best I could offer.
BTW, if I am reticent about saying certain things here, it’s not because I’m a prude, but because there are little gremlins on the other side of the net saying, “Ah-HAH! here’s a naughty word–restrict this entire website in strict filtering!” And since most people do not know that their search engines default on “MODERATE” filtering and don’t know that you can turn it up or down or how to do it, I prefer to stay below the gremlin radar…
Now Back to Bed.

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ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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