Swine Flu? Bioterrorism? We Report, You Decide!

If you saw the press briefing about the swine flu outbreak the other day (replayed in part on The Daily Show) in which one reporter asked if this could be a bioterrorism attack. Well, this naturally causes one to voice the question, “WTF???” Bio-frickin’-terrorism? Who the hell would have THAT kind of paranoid fantasy? Well, MY guess would be the people who believe that the USA became less safe as of January 20, 2009. You know, the ones who discovered a terrorist plot every time they needed to score some political points so they could claim they’d made us “safer” and who now claim that revealing our use of torture–that everyone already knew about anyway–had made us less safe. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney and Fox News. But it isn’t just limited to them. President Obama went down to Mexico City and shook hands with an archaeologist and the next day, said archaeologist> dropped dead of flu-like symptoms. DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Obama was tested and found clear of the flu virus–a good thing too, because some people may have accused him of giving the flu to the archaeologist, instead of him contracting it from one of the thousands of flu victims in Mexico City. I can see a call for closing the borders coming–keep them illegal immigrants and their flus away.

What I want to know is, if someone was planning on a bioterrorist attack on the US, why did they start the outbreak in Mexico? Why not New York CIty or Chicago or any other crowded US metropolis? I think the only attack here, beyond the simple microbial, is an attack on reason. But that never stopped anything in this country! Reason, schmeason, the economy is in the toilet, our leaders had authorized torture, let’s have a good old-fashioned plague to get things really going. I’m surprised no one’s said it’s God’s wrath. Oh wait a minute, Tiffany Wellsley on Republican Faith Chat tells us that it’s GOD’S LATEST PUNISHMENT OF IDOL-WORSHIP, meaning Catholic saint veneration, and ends her screed with the “silver lining” that it may do something to alleviate the illegal immigration problem. Well, there you have it–a call to close the borders. I’m not going to post THAT url–if you need to find it, google it.

Adam Lambert’s Kiss Spins Bill O’Reilly Out of his Zone

That Bill O’Reilly is a homophobe should come as no surprise to anyone–the very idea of same sex kissing sends a tremor up his spine–unless it’s between three or four hot chicks, in which case, it ain’t his spine that’s all a-trembling. Bill is the kind of guy who likes the original movie “The Producers”, but can’t stand the musical because it was gayed up. After all, in his world view, gays should hide their gayness so as not to embarass any straight people that happen to wander by. It’d be far better if they joined the Church like they’re supposed to.
Which brings us to Adam Lambert, one of the more popular contestants on this season’s edition of American Idol. See Jason Linkins’ column in the Huffington Post Right there we have a problem. You see, in Billo’s mindset, American Idol is supposed to be representative of America, and as we all know, gays aren’t REAL Americans. Now Adam Lambert is gay–and just to prove it, there are some photos floating around the internet of him kissing another man and presumably liking it. Which Billo didn’t show, presumably out of care for his viewers’ tender feelings. Which gave Bill the heebie-jeebies enough to ask his guests, Margaret Hoover and Monica Crowley, whether or not people will abandon American Idol in droves because, omigod, there’s a GAY person competing. And being miffed when neither of the two ladies agreed with him, explaining to him that talent shows are about talent, not about the sexuality of the performers, even if they are called AMERICAN Idol. But it is always fun to see Billo miffed when he makes another asshole judgment and no one agrees with him and he doesn’t have an excuse to call them jerks.
But it’s been a bad week for Bill. Not only has an Iowa court decision allowed gay marriage, but the Vermont legislature actually voted it in AND overrode the Governor’s veto. Not only that but Roger Ebert compared him to Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. Said Ebert, It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! There, there, Bill, at least they’ll have to raise the bridge for your ego.
Here’s the video from Youtube:

Taking Today off because of the flu–BB next week

Been down with a horrible flu or something since Sunday–started one antibiotic on Monday and when that wasn’t working, my doctor prescribed a different one yesterday. I’ve only been able to be out of bed for maximum stretches of 3 hours, so I haven’t even been reading the news carefully, let alone come up with any ideas on how to lampoon it.
However, one thing DID catch my eye on the Huffington Post. There appears to be this minor kerfuffle going on between two shows on two different NBC cable channels. Seems the ladies of THE VIEW had a nice little discussion about female toys which gave the gacks to Mika Brzezinski on MORNING JOE, much to the amusement of Joe Scarborough and “guy who isn’t Joe Scarborough”. Well, led by the “legendary” Barbara Walters, the VIEW girls cooked up something for Mika. It’s all publicity, of course, and publicity, as the saying goes, should always be horned in on, and what the heck, I haven’t done a caricature of Barbara Walters in a while–I wanted to do Mika too, but in my sad condition–where my best friend is a roll of paper toys because kleenex just don’t hold up to my noseblows–a skinny blonde running away was the best I could offer.
BTW, if I am reticent about saying certain things here, it’s not because I’m a prude, but because there are little gremlins on the other side of the net saying, “Ah-HAH! here’s a naughty word–restrict this entire website in strict filtering!” And since most people do not know that their search engines default on “MODERATE” filtering and don’t know that you can turn it up or down or how to do it, I prefer to stay below the gremlin radar…
Now Back to Bed.

Congratulations Barack Obama, Our First Hawaiian President!

Oh, right, he’s also out first African-American President (if you don’t count Warren G. Harding, but that was just a rumor anyway and in any case, he’d only have been an octoroon.) There were a few spots in yesterday’s activities that made me laugh, the greeting to outgoing President Bush, which the band had to try to drown out, the flub that Chief Justice Roberts made while administering the oath, that strange poem that had everything AND the kitchen sink in it, and that great prayer by Rev. Joseph Lowery. Warrens’ benediction was low-key, thank goodness. Obama’s speech, curiously enough, was as well. Perhaps he wanted to call attention to the great problems facing us–and to point squarely at the asshats who’d at best enabled them, at worst, caused them and fanned their flames.

Chris Wallace made the biggest asshole comment by calling into question the legitimacy of Obama’s oath of office. Hey Chris! I know you’re being paid by the Hate Squad over there at Fox, but be real. IT AIN’T A MAGIC SPELL. 10,000 brooms ain’t gonna rise up out of the splinters and inundate us just because a few words were off. It’s not the oath that confers the Presidential power–it’s WE THE PEOPLE. Maybe the right wingnuts will use your asshat comments to go on believing that Obama isn’t the real president, but the rest of us will know what a bootlicking hack you proved yourself to be. I hope your dad wasn’t listening.

Fred and Bert are still with us, but only barely, after celebrating at the Lafayette Park Inaugural Ball, inside the big oak tree. They really should lay off the fermented acorn juice. But remember–TODAY IS SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY. Get some nuts and spread’em around!

ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published Mondays and Thursdays.

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