Well, Hardy-Har-Har-Har, Newt… Newt Kramden in The HoneyDippers!

Newt Gingrich plays Ralph Kramden--"One of these days--To The Moon!"

Newt Gingrich--the candidate of "No--how dare you ask me something relevant?"

Newt was a bit upset the other week when they disallowed audience participation at the 891st Republican Cattle Call. After all, Newt’s something of a comedian–how to you expect him to time his material when the audience can’t yell out their approval and create standing ovations for such time-tested material as: “No.” Or “Nnnnnnnnno.” Or “Noooooooooo.”
Seriously, I thought Newt’s idea of sending us to the moon when over 15 percent of Americans are living under the poverty level is hysterical. To the Moon! Our 51st State! Take THAT, Washington DC! (Too many black people there, I guess, but Newt didn’t address that issue–THIS time.)
Ah, well, it took Wolf Blitzer to stand his ground to Newt. Actually I think Wolf just misunderstood his own question. Badum-TISH!
Newt–would you like to tell us how you made your money? No. Newt would you like to comment on your ex-wife’s statement? No. Hardy-Har-Har-Har! He even got to turn that around into an applause line skewering the “Media”. If there’s one thing Republicans on camera like to criticize, it’s the media! Must be their ironic sensibility.
On the other hand, we finally found out who else was there when Newt “didn’t ask his wife for a No-Pen marriage (don’t fence me in!)” NO one. Seems his kids were simply character witnesses. And Newt’s historian duties with Freddie Mac? Another No Show.
Hey, at least Newt’s responses got applause–from Sarah Palin. And an endorsement from Herman Cain! Now if that doesn’t prove he’s a comedian, I can think of NO other thing that will.
Hey, isn’t it about time Ron Paul took the Not-Mitt booby prize?
No?

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, nominate me!

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
I am all I long for
All I worship and adore
So unlike me, please be true
And please believe
I love you.

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Returning from the turkey to get the bird

Crony capitalism and cracking down on peaceful protest--Quo vadis, America?

A double helping of caffeine today...quo vadis, America?

So, after finally having digested ALL of the Thanksgiving turkey, we turn once again to a much less edible bird. Earlier this week, we found out that Henry Paulson–you know, former CEO of Vampire-Squid–while he was Secretary of the Treasury–wandered into a meeting with hedge fund managers and told them what Treasury was going to do about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. SAY WHAT? Umm, Hank, that was supposed to be a secret until it happened! Did it not occur to you that someone might possibly engage in some insider trading on the basis of WHAT YOU #$%^&* JUST TOLD THEM? Oh, but these are my buddies–they’d never do anything so illegal, unethical and immoral. Well, most of them anyway.

There we have it, the essence of what ^&*(#$%^& went wrong with our system. We used to think that the Grant and Harding administrations were the poster children for corruption. Well, Bush II certainly gave them a run for their money (so to speak) and the Obama administration is coming up fast along the far turn. Here, pack of foxes, please take care of the hen house–we know that ace chicken stealers are going to be the best as keeping predators away! Other predators, that is!

With that shocking bit of news, did it really come as any surprise when we found out the REAL scale of the bailout? That the Fed SECRETLY loaned banks 7.7 TRILLION DOLLARS at interest rates even lower than they pay their mom and pop customers on bank deposits? And that these banks loaned it back to the government to make a profit on it? Not to worry, they only realized 0.17% profit on it. Right–only 13 BILLION dollars.

And while we found all this out, the cops of various cities have been coordinating attacks on those dirty hippies, rapists, thieves and murderers, as Fox and Friends would have it, at the same time as the Egyptian military has been attacking “pro-democracy demonstrators” in Cairo. You’ve seen the pictures…can you tell the difference? YES–tanks! You’re welcome!

This has gotten the reactionary forces in Congress to get the knickers in a knot. Hey–if the Egyptians can use tanks against their own citizens, WHY CAN’T WE? Why not indeed! So they included in the Defense Authorization bill language authorizing the military to detain terrorist suspects on native soil. Now a lot of people have gotten upset that American citizens might be incarcerated by the military, thrown in some brig and held indefinitely, but let’s ask another question. If the military can go after terrorists–how’s it going to get them? Are Navy SEALS going to be attacking terrorist cells run by my next-door neighbor? What happens if it’s decided that the attack might be too dangerous? Is that a drone I see flying THROUGH MY LIVING ROOM?

Now you might think that this is just paranoia, but consider this: 60 senators thought that this was a $%^&*#$ GOOD IDEA. It was originally 61, but one of them decided it really looked bad. President Obama has threatened a veto. That would make this his 3rd–an average of one a year–tied with Herbert Hoover. You know, the guy who let the banks tell him what to do during the Great Depression.

Why does that give me a headache?

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Shorting our future

$The \'super-patriots\' prepare to blow up the government.$

What would Jesus do? Who's that?

No cartoon next week because I’ll be returning from Otakon and several days of running a table on Artists Alley. I’ve got so much to do, I’ve got to keep this short to.

And speaking of short … I hope that’s the position you’re all holding, because that’s the one the big boys are. Short-selling–in preparation for the biggest manufactured sell-off in history when Standard & Poors downrates the United States thanks to our patriotic tea-partiers in Congress. Why did the deficit become so important after 8 years of Cheney saying “Deficits are not important?” So that THIS bear market can happen on Obama’s watch in the hope that everyone will vote Republican and the lads can feed at the trough again? Au contraire! They never stopped.

What happens after a sell-off? The big buy-back–with the loot gained by going short. So that the top 1% will have even more. They’ve learned their lesson from Ayn Rand’s John Galt really well–if something stands in your way, blow it up. And the something that stands in the way of the Kochs, the Murdochs, the Bushes, the Blankfeins and all the rest? The American people and the American government. And they’ve got the self-appointed super-patriot Tea Partiers to help them!

What’s the difference between a Koch brother and a leech? The leech lets go when it’s full. How many bankers does it take to change a lightbulb. Only one and he can do millions–they’re very good at screwing. What gated community will you never see a banker in? A prison–they’re too big to punish.

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May 9, 2011: Osama Still Dead! Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due…

Not to mention 6 years of birthday greetings to all 26 of his children, all ending with 'And Death to America'

Well, a week later and no Osama doubles have shown up, which is probably a good thing. Pakistan has been alternating between blustery protests of “You shouldn’t have done that,” and hiding behind the egg on their faces. The people on Osama’s block have collectively said, “Really, they seemed so quiet, we just thought they were very religious.” Rush Limbaugh was forced to choke out credit to President Obama, but he recovered quickly. We also discovered that the only things we really knew about the mission is that it was in Pakistan and bin Laden was shot–everything we’d been told on the first night EXCEPT President Obama’s announcement turned out to be pure fantasy.

Now Obama offered former President Bush an invitation for them both to appear at “Ground Zero,” but George declined because, at least we were told, he didn’t think he was getting enough credit for his effort in trying to capture bin Laden. One commentator said, this was kind of like the guy who didn’t open the jar saying he loosened it when you opened the top. But this isn’t quite accurate. Bush is the guy who screwed it down too tight in the first place and THEN couldn’t open the jar and needed someone else’s help.

What can we credit Bush with? Ignoring Clinton’s outgoing advice that al-Qaeda was the biggest threat we were facing? Ignoring Richard Clarke’s warnings when he was head of Cybersecurity? Ignoring the CIA memo that bin Laden was intent on striking within the US and dismissing it as covering their asses? Flying around the country in a panic on 9/11 thinking the terrorists were after him after Ari Fleischer tried to convince us that we had “credible intelligence” that the White House was the other target within hours of our being caught flat-footed? Perhaps turning down the Taliban’s offer to hand Osama over (if we gave them the evidence of his involvement which we didn’t have until he kindly took credit for it a few years later) because they didn’t say “Mother, may I?” Giving up the search in Tora Bora yards from bin Laden’s hideout because it was time to invade Iraq and deal with the REAL threat (koff!) How about seven years of “not finding him” because it wasn’t particularly important and bin Laden had been marginalized, hiding out in some cave in the mountains of Afghanistan–when he was really living in a Pakistan suburb?

You’re right. I think President Bush deserves credit for all of those things.

Michael Moore and several others, on the other hand, have been complaining about the lack of due process and how we should have brought bin Laden to trial to show the world something or other about justice. Oh hogwash, Michael, it wasn’t a strictly legal mission to begin with. You know, something about not respecting Pakistan’s sovereign territory (like Shep Smith was ignored about). What would holding a trial have accomplished–shown the world that we can hold a kangaroo court as well as anyone else? I mean seriously, even if his defensive team included Abe Lincoln, Clarence Darrow, Johnny Cochran, F Lee Bailey AND Perry Mason, there was a snowball’s chance in hell that a jury could be convinced there was a reasonable doubt that he’d authorized the 9/11 attacks and isn’t that REALLY the purpose of a trial? Did he need a forum to present his side? It wasn’t as if he hadn’t had nearly 9 years of issuing pronouncements that gave the justification for the attack. I agree, in the best of all possible worlds, it would have been a good idea to put him on trial and give al-Qaeda the present of a ceremonial execution or a living martyr in a US prison to inspire them. But we live in this one and a trial would have just been a theatre piece, a ritual piece of mumbo-jumbo to keep the bad mojo off our actions, an anticlimactic last reel that would only have made sense if bin Laden leaped up out of Silver Lake wearing a hockey mask.

Be thankful that this part is over. Now we can get back to the REAL problem–getting the hell out of two wars we shouldn’t have been in in the first place.

Oh, yes. Thanks, President Bush.

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