Hey, we still have troops in Germany and Japan 65 years later…

Only 7 years and change later and we finally have less than 100k troops in a place we should never have invaded in the first place. Remember those heady days after 9/11 when people all over middle America were convinced that Saddam Hussein was going to nuke their mall in the next two days? The mushroom clouds that Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice were predicting would be our doom unless we took out Iraq NOW! Those aerial photographs of Carvel trucks that Colin Powell assured us were delivering yellow cake instead of ice cream cake? Such a relief there was when the Marines staged that toppling of Saddam’s statue so it would look like the Iraqis themselves were pulling the ropes!

But by the time we found out that there WERE no weapons of mass destruction, and Saddam had nothing to do at all with 9/11, the “Pottery Barn” scenario–you break it, you bought it–was in full swing (and we were even wrong about the Pottery Barn’s policies!) and it was too late to say “Whoopsie-daisy!” And for the last seven years, we’ve been bollixing up a country that was continuously on the verge of civil war with the only thing which the various factions could seem to agree on was that they didn’t WANT US!

Since Obama was elected, we’ve been drawing down our forces in Iraq–so we could throw them into the other quagmire in Afghanistan. And now, the last of our “combat troops” will be leaving, with only 50,000 “support” troops remaining–whatever the hell THAT is. Remember what we called them in Vietnam? “Advisors.” Well, maybe their mission WILL be to train that untrainable Iraqi self-defense force, but troops is troops. The real reason they’re there is so we will have a presence on the ground in the Mideast WHEN we need them. And it only cost us a couple of trillion dollars to boot!

Fox News only devoted 10 minutes of airtime to this momentous event and some people are crowing about the lackluster coverage the war’s chief cheerleaders have given to the transition. But seriously–is it anything to write home about? As Dennis Kucinich has observed, this is just a new phase in the PR campaign. We’re not going to leave Iraq for some time. Ten years? Remember, we still have troops in Germany and Japan!

Just Stand At Attention and Yell Semper Fi

It’s been a good week for hoof-in-mouth disease! First we have Lindsay Lohan, who was photographed at her probation hearing with her fingers on her lips and the words F*U*C*K*Y*O*U scrolled neatly on her fingernails. What she was doing with her fingers on her bottom lip is beyond me, probably playing BLERM with her lip, thinking the judge might think it was funny!

Well, I got news for you, Lindsay. The judge wasn’t all that thrilled. Would somebody PLEEZE tell that girl that this ISN’T A MOVIE! We’re not in Disney World anymore–the laws hold–especially the ones about cause and effect! Actions do have consequences. Oh well, maybe some time in the slammer (maybe 9 out of 90 days?) will have some effect. It seemed to work on Paris Hilton. On the other hands, if her friends are right, LL might spend the entire time in withdrawal from nicotine.

Then we have our new man at CentCom, General James Mattis. Since General Petraeus is taking over the post of hoof-in-mouth specialist General McChrystal, his old post at CentCom needs re-filling. Enter James Matiss of the US Marines! OO-RAH!! Another victim of hoof-in-mouth on the scope! UH-OH!

Looks like someone unearthed a video of him saying was fun it was to shoot people. He meant the enemy, of course. Even a Marine General isn’t crazy enough to mean it was fun to shoot at friends. Or random people, although that does seem to be the nature of targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. SecDef Robert Gates said we shouldn’t pay any attention to that video. It was five whole years ago and General Mattis has learned his lesson. He now knows it’s not fun to shoot civilians. At least to admit it. And if anyone asks him anything he hasn’t been given the answer for, he’ll just stand at attention and yell “Semper Fi.” Confuses everyone–works all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good week for misstatements–looks like the only guy NOT getting into trouble has been Paul the Octopus. What’s that? Even the Germans want to turn him into sushi for not predicting them to win the World Cup? Hey football fans–he’s a psychic, not a witch doctor. Get it straight! Paul did. Besides, he’ll taste awful with wasabi!

But we all have to agree–Paul is one cephalopod who doesn’t just suck for a living!

McCain: Thank God we still have a Congress to make sure Homosexuality stays in Capitol Hill bathrooms

Back in 2006, when McCain still thought he perhaps maybe could be President of these here United States and didn’t want to push away any potential voting demographics–something he no longer has anything to worry about since he’s pushed away as many as he already could–he famously said that when the armed services came to him and said that gays should be let in to serve openly, he’d be right behind them. Or maybe not so famously, since if you thought John had trouble programming his VCR, wait’ll you see the hash he made of his TiVo. You’d think some of these politicians would be aware that videotape has been around since the 1950s and in homes since the 70s–not to mention the YouTubes available on the Internets. Anyway, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen went in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee and said how it’s time to let gay citizens defend their country without having to lie about who they are. Well, you’d think they suggested replacing the US flag with stripes of puce and chartreuse. Gates and Mullen were BIASED with regards to this policy and clearly it needed more study on its effects on the troops. You know, like more study is needed on whether or not the earth is a coupla billion years old or 6000, or whether polar bears are taking swimming lessons. What would be the result on their readiness and effectiveness? Well, for one thing, if we hadn’t discharged several gay Arabic translators, we might be having a better time of it in the Middle East, but that’s too rational so it doesn’t count. No, Uncle John is talking about more important issues like whether or not you’re going to lie awake in the barracks wondering if your bunkmates are banging girls or banging boys! Whether you will come back from maneuvers one day to discover curtains and potted palms festooning the living quarters. Whether you’ll be all ready to shoot your weapon only to go SQWIK when you realize the soldier next to you is GAY! By weapon, I mean your rifle. We must take care of our sensitive troops–it’s not like they’ll be encountering gay people EVERYWHERE ELSE in the universe. “Thank God we still have Congress to keep you guys from running your own show,” McCain countered. “I ought to know what today’s serviceman thinks, I was one thirty years ago! Let’s keep homosexuality in the Capitol Hill bathrooms where it belongs!”

ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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