Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

The Jackass–a species that will never be endangered in Texas

Yeehaw! Rick Perry protecters "life" and celebrates by firing his six-shooter.

Vaginas--the only weapon they believe in regulating in Texas

Called back to a “Special Special” session to protect women from the sin of abortion, Texas legislators were protected by police who confiscated objects that might be thrown at them. Tampons. Maxi-pads. “Imagine the humiliation we might have suffered by being hit in the face with a feminine product,” Texas State Senator Hugh Jass said. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have to draw our weapons to defend ourselves against these marauding fee-males who want to kill babies.”

Governer Rick “Good Hair-do” Perry defended the measure. “They say that this law will force women to have illegal abortions. I say that history will prove them wrong. They’ll be forced to stay barefoot and pregnant and have them little dickenses like the Good Lord intended.”

Perry shot off his six-shooter in celebration of the law’s passage. He said that this would guarantee his place in Texas history books. “That and my record of signing 263 execution orders,” he quipped. Perry will not be seeking a fifth term as governor, but may consider a run for the Presidency in 2016. That is, if he can remember that third department he’d close.

In other news, the prosecution sighed with relief as George Zimmerman was acquitted of 2nd degree murder in the death of Trayvon Martin. “Thank goodness,” prosecutors said, “we could have gotten a manslaughter conviction standing on our heads.”

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All you really need is heart…

Dick Cheney wakes up in the hospital to discover a side effect of his transplant--he's suddenly developed a "heart"

"You've got to have heart..."

Two stories of note this week: the shooting of Trayvon Martin–which actually occurred a month ago today–and Dick Cheney’s new bundle of joy. I’ve always found myself to have a reluctance to draw cartoons about things that are sad. Things that make me angry on the other hand are fair game. And the shooting of Trayvon Martin makes me sad. But the reaction of the Fox News types is worth derision.

On one hand, you have Geraldo Rivera admonishing the dead kid about wearing a hoodie because it looks too “gangsta.” And then you have New Gringrich admonishing the President about noticing the kid was black. No two ways, Fox, it’s either racist or it ain’t. Add to this the “stand your ground” fans backing up shooter Zimmerman saying that he was only doing his job–self-appointed and told by the 911 operator not to pursue–and you start to wonder if their heads are in so far, will these guys ever see daylight again?

Fortunately, Melissa Harris-Perry took care of Geraldo, and the electorate looks like it will be taking care of Newt. And Paul Krugman reveals the truth about American Legislative Exchange Council, the corporate shills behind the “stand your ground” laws.

Which leaves us Dick Cheney. The sight of all the people wishing him well with prayers for a speedy recovery—including those who’ve accused him of being a war-profiteer, a war criminal, and responsible for the sinking of the US reputation to historic lows by ‘OK’ing tortures the Japanese were hanged for after WWII—warms my heart. This is the mark of a civil society. We do live by the Golden Rule: Do not do unto the previous Administration as you would not have the next Administration do unto you.

Now a churlish man would be making comments about Mr. Cheney’s heart transplant like “Where’d they find one that small?” Or, “This one is perfect, Igor, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Or, “Wow, the old one really was made of stone–this will fetch a high price on EBAY!” But we won’t do so. Instead, we’ve decided to honor Mr. Cheney with some verses of a song:

Dick had to have heart,
Cheney really needed heart.
They kept saying that you didn’t have one.
But here’s one for a fresh start!

You never lost hope,
When they kept on saying nope,
Like with those weapons that could never be found,
Those visions were sound, your critics dopes.

Don’t you think of Halliburton,
And the profits from the war,
You will only feel some hurtin’,
And who knows what you’d outpour
to an enhanced interrogation!

So pick up the phone,
And when you hear the dial tone,
Tell your friend that you are sorry you graced
with buckshot his face,
it wasn’t smart,
Now you’ve finally got heart.

No applause please, the patient is convalescing.

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