Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

A BAD Week for Celebrities

A wealthy couple walks through a cemetery at night and are startled to see the ghost of Billy Mays pitching Oxyclean for their salvation

Billy Mays--pitching from the other side (in the style of Charles Addams)

Usually, deaths comes in threes–last week, tho, it managed to hit four celebrities. It was a pretty bad week to be a celebrity, one of the few times it paid to be — obscure. (Although really, I could afford to be a little less obscure than I am). Ed McMahon. Well, he had a good run. Graduate of my alma mater, he defined for my generation what is was to be a second banana. He was having some financial troubles towards the end, so we sort of saw it coming. Joan Rivers used his death as an opportunity to blast Johnny Carson, but no one ever said Joan Rivers wasn’t tacky. Farrah Fawcett Majors–now that was a sad case. I remember seeing her on the “Roast” of Bill Shatner–and she seemed very out of it, so much so that it seemed like it was turning from a roast of Bill to a roast of Farrah. Shortly afterwards, we heard about her cancer and I’m sure that had a lot to do with her appearance that night. She was still beautiful, but it was obvious she’d lost a LOT of weight. Her pain is over…
Now, Michael Jackson. The poor guy can’t even DIE without causing a media circus. Was it drugs, was it this, was it that, should his doctor be arrested, yadayada. The disgusting thing is that people are getting into fistfights, with some people saying, “we’ve lost a great talent,” and others going, “Good, one less pervert.” I don’t think Michael was a child molester. I think he was weird as all get-out, he certainly did some inappropriate things with youngsters, but I really don’t think he was a sociopath who thought he was beyond the concepts of right and wrong. More like, he never quite understood the consequences of some of his actions and how they would appear to others. Like dangling his son over the balcony edge. Sure, he held onto him, he wouldn’t let him drop. But he never considered what the effect on the kid would be, nor that people would perceive it as potentially harmful. So I’m sad that Michael passed on. As for the people saying, “One less pervert,” they’re already justified in their own minds.
So finally we come to Billy Mays. God you had to love that guy. The ultimate pitchman, he filled any room with energy. I remember watching his lesser brethren on the boardwalks of Asbury Park and Atlantic City when I was growing up–I believe Billy got his start on the boardwalks also. I think he’d rather enjoy my little opus letting him pitch Oxyclean from the other side. A rough landing in an airplane appears to have broken open one of the luggage bins above him and he got a smack on the head, causing an epidural hematoma like Natasha Richardson sustained when she died as a result of a ski accident head injury. The FAA claims that Billy was at fault for not wearing a seat belt–I’m sure his wearing a seat belt would have kept the latch closed on the luggage bin…sounds like they’re trying to save the airline from a negligence suit, which shouldn’t be the job of the FAA at all. But we’ve gotten used to the government protecting poor corporate giants from big bad customers. But Billy had it right. The customer was THE important thing. You could have the best product in the world, but if you didn’t treat your customers right, you’d have a warehouse of unsold merchandise. Perhaps we should start thinking of the people who tell us that their businesses are too big or too important to fail as just hucksters and pitchmen. It’s a shame to lose one who was honest enough to accept and enjoy who he was.

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Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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Two Little Maids From School Are We…

Newt

Awwwww, aren't chibis soooooooo cute and idiotic?

For those of you not into Japanese comics, a chibi is a diminutive character that usually performs the role of the “cute, annoying sidekick”. It actually means “small child” and adult characters can morph into their “chibi” forms when they are behaving stupid and childishly, bouncing up and down like a two-year old on tear in a temper tantrum. :)
Well, it seems that old Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck (whom I didn’t draw) have looked at the glass and called Sonia Sotomayer, Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court, a racist–not noticing that this particular piece of glass was a mirror not a window. Her offense? Suggesting that someone of her background might have a broader range of knowledge and experience than a white guy. From Susan Crile in the Huffington Post comes the actual quote: As evidence, media figures like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin, have pointed to a speech Sotomayor gave at the University of California, Berkeley, School of Law in 1992. During the speech, she said, “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” Oh gee, maybe a little self-congratulatory, but racist? Well we all know the strategy from the Karl Rove playbook, “Thou shalt accuse thy opponents of thine own fault before they accuse thee!” By doing this, you make your opponent seem childish and unoriginal if they turn the accusation back on you…i.e., “You’re a racist.” “No, YOU’RE a racist.” “No, YOU’RE the racist…” etc. etc. You get the picture. Pundits like Gingrich, Limbaugh and Beck are trying to appeal to the basest of their base–not the intelligent, informed conservative, but the xenophobic nuts who have hijacked de facto control of the Republican Party. Whatever happened to the party that could boast liberals like Nelson Rockefeller–yes, at one time, it was possible to use liberal and Republican in the same sentence and within living memory too! Better start kissing the Hispanic vote goodbye, guys, you can have your wish of being the “whitest of whites” party. Pass the Clorox, please.

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ColBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!

I can actually draw. Pencil Sketch, Stephen Colbert

Just to let you know...

Now I watch other brilliant commentators on our nation. I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I like Stephen…he’s an up-and-coming young man, to whom I wish all the success in the world. But what gets me is that every once in a while, Stephen and his writers look like they’re reading me–AND NOT SENDING ME A CHECK! It happened many times during HAIL DUBYUS! but I overlooked it–after all, he is young. Great minds do think alike and what occurred to me could have easily occurred to him or his writers. And the young are wont to do brash and foolish things. But imagine the look on my face when I saw last night’s Colbert Report and saw the juxtaposition of these two clips which followed back to back on each other, the first about Congressmen twittering during the Obama speech the other night, and the second about adopting the “Swedish” economic plan and going Viking:

 

Now look at yesterday’s cartoon about congressmen twittering:

Cartoon of Republicans too busy tweeting on Twitter to actually listen to Obama’s first State of the Union addresses and send snarky messages via their blackberries.

John Culbertson (R-Tx) is all a-Twitter during Obama's Address

and this one from January 27, just one month ago,where I suggest to the ICELANDIC Nation that they take up a-Viking Again to solve their economic woes!

Let's go a-viking! Cartoon of Viking carrying off a girl who is asking him 'hvat's in yur vallet?' 'what's in your wallet?' as a town burns behind them.

What? Didn't you know it was a global crisis?

Nation… it is true that great minds think alike. And Stephen has a mind that is almost as sharp and quick as my own. But this is beyond coincidence. I own the copyright on Vikings! Stephen, if you’re going to use my material, you should PAY for it. Stephen Colbert, you have earned yourself a wag of my finger! YOU HEAR THAT COLBERT–I WANT YOU TO USE THAT DONATION BOX OVER ON THE RIGHT. Yeah, that one.———–> Until then, you’re on notice, mister! And that’s the word ;)

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State of the Union Edition: Republicans say Obama’s plan needs bolder ideas–suggestion? More tax cuts.

Cartoon of Republicans too busy tweeting on Twitter to actually listen to Obama's first State of the Union addresses and send snarky messages via their blackberries.

John Culbertson (R-Tx) is all a-Twitter during Obama's Address

The disloyal opposition had its own theme song during President Obama’s first State of the Union address–Rockin’ Robin–tweet tweet tweet, Rockin’ Robin, tweet, tweedley-deet! Since Party Head Rush Limbaugh (not that titular figure who looks like the token VP of a financial institution) has called for a united obstructionist front, Republican senators and congressmen attempted to sit out the whole speech on their hands–except for the ones who were busily hunting the snark on their blackberries until it was pointed out to them that it really looked like they were playing Worlds of Warcraft instead of listening–but goshdarnit, that crafty Obama said some thing that they HAD to applaud or look as if they really did want to screw the little guy–which they do, they just don’t want to LOOK like it. However, it is nice to know that some conservatives have abandoned their dip pens. After the Obama address, Louisiana Governor Booby Jindal–excuse me, BOBBY Jindal–decried the wastefulness of parts of the plan–like $140 million for volcano monitoring or $8 billion for high speed rail projects–and how it didn’t go far enough in–what else?–taxcuts. Obviously more tax cuts like those during the Bush administration will bring in even more revenue than they did during the past eight years. What, you say the tax cuts lost money? Simple explanation–we didn’t go far enough even then! Hasn’t anyone ever pointed out to these numbskulls that if you don’t collect any taxes, you don’t get any revenue? However, Jindal assured the nation that Republicans would be willing to work with the new President–up to a point. We saw that point the other week when they almost unanimously voted against the stimulus plan. As ordered by Chairman Limbaugh…

NOTE: Because I have already created and published two special editions this week, I will take off Thursday, February 26. The next new cartoon will be up Monday, March 2. :)

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