Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Sex Scandals–The ONLY Truly Bipartisan Game in Town!

A staffer confesses to her (multiple choice to cover all possibilities) affair with her boss, senator, congressman, TV show host, etc.. Her husband's thought? How do I get a piece of this?

You've Got BLACKMAIL!

It’s been a GOOD couple of weeks for adultery! We’ve had so many sex scandals and continuing stories of past sex scandals, it’s hard to keep track of them! Time was, you could depend on Democrats for sex scandals and Republicans for money ones–not anymore! We’ve gone bipartisan with both :)
Ignoring Newt Gingrich’s epic fails at honoring porn and strip club owners with awards for their all-American entrepeneurship because those were not really sex scandals, just clueless jokes (Newt’s own adulterous indiscretions are in the past … probably), let’s see what’s on our plate. We’ve had Elizabeth Edwards possibly divorcing former Presidential candidate husband John because she didn’t think he was in love with his paramour, he was just a randy sonuvabitch. Come on, Elizabeth, he promised Rielle a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews band…after you DIED. Surely that was love–or bad taste. Jenny Sanford has signed to write a book about her life with Mark, he of the Argentinian tango on South Carolina funds! I’m sure we’ll find out more about the “family values” of the governor who skipped out on his kids Boy Scout outing for a tryst in Buenos Aires!
And it hasn’t been limited to politicians. Roman Polanski finally got nailed for the sexual assault charge he pleaded guilty to and then skipped out on when it looked like the judge was going to sentence him to more than a slap on the wrist. As Whoopi Goldberg said, “That was only child rape, not rape rape. That 13 year old knew what what she was doing.” After a few glasses of champagne. What a little slut, eh, Whoopie? And now David Letterman does a monologue about boffing some female members of his staff to forestall anyone ELSE from getting the idea of blackmailing him for it. Oh, I meant to forestall his fans from finding out, not in the tabloids, but in REAL NEWSPAPERS! Or TMZ, whichever comes first.
Which brings me to my final bit of tawdriness. Back in the good old days, when a man discovered his wife was doing the hot mambo behind his back, why he’d pick up his brace of pistols and challenge the guy to a duel. Or ambush him in the dark. Or ambush THEM in the dark. Or just shoot him in the most public place possible, preferably in the most embarassing place possible. And in Arizona, he can still do it in a saloon! But the one that takes the cake is the Senator Ensign “affair.” Seems while John was boffing Cindy Hampton, her husband didn’t smack the Nevada senator in the chops, but decided it was a golden opportunity to rake in a little of his own. After John had paid Cindy “severance” pay on the order of $96,000, he helped hubby Doug to get two jobs. But that wasn’t enough for Doug, you betcha, as he allegedly tried to blackmail John and the Republican National Committee into even more hush money. I think Doug showed the true spirit of American entrepeneurship. Hey Newt! I think we have a new candidate for your award! CHA-CHING!

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Just to demonstrate I haven’t watched television since 1957

Tom Coburn tries out a number of ethnic references and cracks himself up.

Fortunately, Tom Coburn limited himself to only one joke about Sotomayor's ethnicity--and got it wrong

It’s a pretty boring week–health care and Supreme Court confirmation hearings. Now don’t get me wrong, they’re very important…but they’re about as exciting as watching watching a brick pile. Will the public option be watered down so the health insurance companies can continue to make obscene profits? Will there be any meaningful attempts at lowering costs? Will that happen before 2013? Then there’s the Sotomayor hearing. First of all, there’s no way she will not be confirmed. Even the Republican senators seem resigned to that–they don’t have the votes to deny confirmation. There’s nothing in Sotomayor’s record that paints her as a flaming liberal–or even all that liberal at all. The more I hear, the more like a centrist she seems to have behaved. Now that might change. Lower court judges have to follow the rules, while Supreme Court justices make them. But sometime ago when Obama said he wanted a centrist court, I took that as a clue that he would appoint centrist judges. Not that that would center the Alito court very much, if at all. But it would make Obama more likable to the right-wing–except that it won’t make up for his being (sarcasm alert) an America-hating Muslim who isn’t even a natural born citizen. (Already one soldier is refusing deployment on the grounds that Obama isn’t really President--I think his request should be granted–on the grounds that he qualifies for a Section 8 for denial of reality.) So where does that leave the Republican grilling? Why back at the Rush Limbaugh barbeque. Rush says that Sotomayor is a racist, so let’s pull out our racial bonafides and prove we’re just as big a bunch of yahoos as the Rushster is. Or Pat Buchanan.
So Tom Coburn makes a cute Ricky Ricardo reference, pronouncing “explaining” as “‘splainin” like the Cuban bandleader did. Except that Desi Arnaz was “zaggeratin” his accent. And he wasn’t a Puerto Rican, but a Cuban (but what the hell, all Hispanics sound alike, don’t they?) And it was HIS OWN accent he was mocking. There was another “Hispanic” popular a bit later, José Jimenez. Only he wasn’t a Hispanic, he was an American of Hungarian-Jewish descent named Bill Dana. Very popular in the 60s with Anglo audiences. When Spanish-speaking groups began protesting his performances, he found out just how funny they thought he was. Dana publicly dropped the José Jimenez routine (in 1970) and about 12 years ago was honored by National Hispanic Media Coalition with an award celebrating what his act of disavowal did for the Hispanic community. But that must have been after Tom Coburn stopped watching TV. He still thinks “I Love Lucy” is the bee’s knees.
I suppose we should be glad he didn’t decide to channel Cheech Marin…

Ooooo too late to use, NEW PHOTOS OF SANFORD’S MISTRESS

BTW–I’ll be at Otakon in Baltimore this weekend. If you’re attending and you see someone with glasses in a purple “I NEED INTRAVENOUS CAFFEINE” T-shirt–say hi–it’s me…

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This just in from Moosylvania–Palin Skedaddles

Homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle--celebrating the resignation of moosekiller Palin--Boris Badenov saw the party in Alaska from his window-- with guest appearance by Invader Zim who opines that Palin is crazy like a moose, and Gir who put lipstick on a pig.

Palin is so upset she went out to sue a Moore--I mean shoot a moose

Something tells me that Sarah Palin’s dustup with Dave Letterman didn’t quite have the salutory effect she wanted it to have. Sure, she made the headlines–for looking like an idiot–and his ratings went up a couple of notches. The media can be just so mean to poor little Sarah. So taking the advice that “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” she decided to quit being governor. I’m not sure that that is exactly what that saying was supposed to mean, but that’s the way Sarah saw it. After all, she wants to get down more to the lower 48 as the Alaskans call it to have a greater visibility on the national stage in preparation for her presidential run in 2012. She has a book deal with Rupert Murdoch and there’s speculation that Fox News would love to have her spreading innuendo about godless liberal socialist fascist Muslims. There’s also speculation that there may be more ethics probes on the way and more than a few people have suggested that perhaps there is a family matter that needs to be handled before it becomes an issue. I’m rather hoping that she’ll confess to being one of Mark Sanford’s earlier dalliances–you know, the ones that he claimed not to have crossed some undefined line in? Rumors all of it–Sarah just got BORED and when Sarah gets bored, she quits and leaves her mess behind for someone else to clean up. She’s done it before–quitting the chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. I wonder if she would have quit the Vice Presidency had McCain won? After all, being VPOTUS is supposed to be a terribly boring job–it was once famously described as not being worth a bucket of warm spit–only it wasn’t spit that was warm. That’s changed since Dick Cheney turned it into the actual power behind the throne, but Joe Biden seems intent on moving it back to its rightful place. Still, Bill Kristol thinks it might be a brilliant move–a certain sign that it is anything but. I’ll go with Karl Rove on this. Sarah, dear Sarah, what are you thinking? Of course, I’ve now become one of the bloggers she may be threatening to sue, like Shannyn Moore from the Huffington Post :) Nice of her to make that threat on the 4th of July weekend, when we celebrate the freedoms of the United States–like freedom of speech and freedom of the press.
Today’s cartoon is an homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle. Back when I did my original Palin treatment, I’d planned on sticking Bullwinkle in it, but there just wasn’t enough room to do justice to the mighty moose. I obviously knew I would need to use him further on down the line :) Invader Zim and Gir have joined the party celebrating Sarah’s resignation–after all, what could be better than a room with a moose if not a room with a herd of moose?

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Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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