See the USA in your new US Government-owned Chevrolet

The Obama family goes for a ride in their new US government owned General Motors (GM)

Bankruptcy insurance not included

Well, now we own an automobile company that’s worth…MINUS $50 billion. You’d think we could at least buy a company that was MAKING money–you know, like Toyota or Hyundai. Chrysler dealers–the ones who’ve gotten the Bye-Bye letter–are selling off their stock at rock-bottom prices. It’s almost as good as Oprah–you got a car, you got a car, you got a car–a little more expensive but it has the advantage of not having to sit through Oprah to get one. What’s amazing is that Ford ISN’T going bankrupt. I mean, there hasn’t been a good businessman in the Ford family since Henry. Remember Edsel Ford? But Ford’s been through so many bankruptcies and restructurings that they have it nailed. No help needed from the government for THEM.
Keeping with the auto theme, let’s turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation, David Carradine’s death in Bangkok. First the police called it suicide, then they said it might have been an auto-erotic asphyxiation game gone awry. Now I ask you, what was Grasshopper doing practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation in the sex-for-hire capitol of the universe? I mean, this is a place where you could have sex with underage GEESE and find someone who will get it for you for a price. And would you really believe the Bangkok police who have a strong interest in keeping the tourist dollars flowing in one of their most prominent service industries? And do you have any idea how hard it is to tie yourself up? And then hang yourself by the neck and the balls in a closet? From what I understand about auto-erotic asphyxiation (which admittedly isn’t much), you have all these safety features, like easy untie knots for all the important ummm places, and an apparatus to hold them all. You just don’t hang yourself in a broom closet! Something tells me someone else was around…I dunno, just a funny feeling. It may have something to do with the fishnet stockings and red lingerie found in the hotel room. Hmmm I wonder what lesson Grasshopper was learning this time? Of course, THAT could have been an elaborate ruse to disguise the involvement of a secret Kung Fu sect that MAY OR MAY NOT exist, MAY OR MAY NOT have murdered Carradine and was the same sect that MAY OR MAY NOT have murdered Bruce Lee!
I may have done the Carradine case as a cartoon, but it broke when I was in Florida for a family wedding and had to draw cartoons ahead, hopefully hitting something that was still fresh. Congrats to my cousin Gianna, who looked truly movie-star gorgeous in her wedding dress, and her new husband Steve. Shoutouts to Peter and Angela, the parents of the bride, Patricia and George who put us up, Uncle Johnny, Aunt Louise, Aunt Mary and all the cousins who would take too long to name, and my smoking buddies, Lisa, Aaron and Alicia, who all have cards directing them to this site LOL. Flying back on Monday afternoon!

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Aussie Doctor Saves Boy With Carpenter’s Drill–Now That’s One Man Who Knows How to Use His Tool!

Hollywood presents its version of Crocodile Drill Dee, M.D., an Australian doctor who saves lives with a carpenter's drill while fending off man-eating crocodiles.

BASED on a TRUE STORY

Let’s face it, the news hasn’t been very inspiring of late. If you voted against Obama, you’re in a foul mood because you think he’s turning America into the Socialist paradise, if you voted FOR Obama, you’re in a foul mood because he seems to be reneging on half of his campaign promises. The credit card reform is a big pile of nothing–gee, they have to tell me BEFORE they raise my rates, that’s sure gonna protect me if I’m having problems with keeping up the payments I’ve already got. Nothing seems to be happening here that hasn’t already been commented on–so what do you do? When things get tough, the tough go to Australia! Australia, land of eucalyptus-buzzed koalas, fighting kangaroos and didgeridoos! Populated by marauding bands of post-apocalyptic tonsorial victims! Or Mel Gibson when he’s not on the wagon. Now usually, the only news coming out of Australia is how many people got consumed by crocodiles or turned into quivering masses of nerve-dead gelatin by the local poisonous fauna. Or sports, which is the same thing. But this week, there was a heart-warming story about a boy who’d fallen off his bicycle and hit his head on a curbstone. Now normally, he’d've just picked himself up and cracked open another Foster’s, but this poor lad managed to conk himself good and his parents took him to the local hospital. Well, the doctor in charge of emergency realized that the boy had massive internal bleeding inside the skull and if pressure wasn’t relieved on the brain quickly, the kid was gone. There was no neurological unit at the hospital and no time to send him to one where there was. So our doc does the next best thing–he sends down to maintenance for an electric drill. That’s right. Ye olde Black and Decker! He calls up a doc in another hospital to consult and, sterilizing the drill bits, he plunged in. Blood spurted from the brain pan which told him he’d made the right move and the boy is on the way to recovery. Now that’s using your tool!

I can’t help but think what Hollywood will do with this story. You KNOW, someone’s going to buy up the rights. Maybe Spielberg–he’ll think it will be a perfect role for Shia LaBoeuf. After all, he thinks everything is a perfect role for Shia LaBoeuf these days. But we will have to change a few details–like have a crocodile attack in the middle of the operation! After all, crocodiles practically walk the streets of Melbourne, don’t they? And get rid of the 9 year old boy–we need a hot babe for romantic interest. We can STILL say, “based on a true story,” because we paid for it and some of it did happen, kinda sorta, but it would be a helluva lot more interesting if it happened the way we’re gonna show it. Oh, and let’s give the doctor an annoying sidekick, maybe a talking wallaby–the wallaby will be CG.
Here’s the original article in case you missed it: Australian doctor uses household drill to save boy

There will be no cartoon on Monday because of the Memorial Day holiday.

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Bizarro World: Cheney Demands Document Release, Obama Keeps Photos Secret

Bizarro Obama, claiming the need for secrecy, prepares to wrestle Bizarro Cheney, armed with customary shotgun, who demands document release.

The two Super Bizarros of the Right and Left prepare to battle

Harry Shearer in the Huffington post has called the new reality the Mirror World edition. Did somebody yell, “Simon Says: Everybody switch sides”? Screw it, Harry, I think it’s worse than that, we’ve formally entered BIZARRO World. We’ve been phasing in and out of Bizarro World ever since 9/11, when people were evacuating shopping malls in the midwest, convinced that Saddam Hussein was about to bomb them, but now with Cheney demanding the release of documents to show how effective our use of torture was and with Barack Obama, Mr. Transparency in Government, deciding to fight the release of torture photos, I think we’ve taken up permanent residence and Kal-El ain’t gunna come to rescue us. William Rivers Pitt thinks everyone is damn scared that the real dirt will come out and if Seymour Hersh is right, there’s some really horrible stuff we’re going to find out about how we conducted our “enhanced interrogations.”
Now, President Obama has decided to revive the military tribunals for Gitmo prisoners–you know, the ones he promised to end during the election campaign? And Republicans are dancing all over Nancy Pelosi for allegedly being untruthful about she knew about prisoner interrogations, in order to distract the country from the lies that President Bush told us about “We don’t torture.” Right is left, up is down, in is out…
In other news, after all that brouhaha about Obama addressing the Notre Dame commencement, a little over 2 dozen protestors showed up and Obama entered to a standing ovation and gave his speech to thunderous applause. The official White House transcript includes a protestor’s boo that Katharine Zaleski said showed his commitment to greater transparency. While being open about dissent is admirable, being transparent about the little things while maintaining secrecy about the big ones is backasswards…Bizarro World.

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Swine Flu? Bioterrorism? We Report, You Decide!

If you saw the press briefing about the swine flu outbreak the other day (replayed in part on The Daily Show) in which one reporter asked if this could be a bioterrorism attack. Well, this naturally causes one to voice the question, “WTF???” Bio-frickin’-terrorism? Who the hell would have THAT kind of paranoid fantasy? Well, MY guess would be the people who believe that the USA became less safe as of January 20, 2009. You know, the ones who discovered a terrorist plot every time they needed to score some political points so they could claim they’d made us “safer” and who now claim that revealing our use of torture–that everyone already knew about anyway–had made us less safe. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney and Fox News. But it isn’t just limited to them. President Obama went down to Mexico City and shook hands with an archaeologist and the next day, said archaeologist> dropped dead of flu-like symptoms. DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Obama was tested and found clear of the flu virus–a good thing too, because some people may have accused him of giving the flu to the archaeologist, instead of him contracting it from one of the thousands of flu victims in Mexico City. I can see a call for closing the borders coming–keep them illegal immigrants and their flus away.

Foxy, the cable news reporter, asks if the swine flu outbreak could be an act of bioterrorism. On being told there did not seem to be any reason not to ascribe it to natural causes, she naturally assumes that since the answer wasn't no, it was confirmed that the answer could be yes...

In the world of cable journalism, non-denial is as good as a confirmation.

What I want to know is, if someone was planning on a bioterrorist attack on the US, why did they start the outbreak in Mexico? Why not New York CIty or Chicago or any other crowded US metropolis? I think the only attack here, beyond the simple microbial, is an attack on reason. But that never stopped anything in this country! Reason, schmeason, the economy is in the toilet, our leaders had authorized torture, let’s have a good old-fashioned plague to get things really going. I’m surprised no one’s said it’s God’s wrath. Oh wait a minute, Tiffany Wellsley on Republican Faith Chat tells us that it’s GOD’S LATEST PUNISHMENT OF IDOL-WORSHIP, meaning Catholic saint veneration, and ends her screed with the “silver lining” that it may do something to alleviate the illegal immigration problem. Well, there you have it–a call to close the borders. I’m not going to post THAT url–if you need to find it, google it.

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