Susan Boyle: Exclusive! Read It Only on Intravenous Caffeine!

INTRAVENOUS CAFFEINE FIRST! Our exclusive fictive interview with Susan Boyle, star of–well, not much at the moment except Britain’s Got Talent, a whole bunch of celebrity magazines and websites and Simon Cowell’s delusions of grandeur, but maybe something else soon! It’s safe to say you won’t find this anywhere else on the web! We sat down with the imaginary Miss Boyle and asked her these questions:

IVCAFF: So Miss Boyle, how do you feel?
Susan: Well, I’ve got a bit of an ache in my jaw muscles from all this smiling.
IVCAFF: No, I mean about your new found celebrity.
Susan: Oh, that, that’s a bit of all right, idn’t it? Fancy me, 47 years old and never been kissed and a star!
IVCAFF: I thought you made that up about never being kissed.
Susan: Hey, when you got a good line, use it. Make my day, I’ll be back, ’twas Beauty killed the Beast.
IVCAFF: Gotcha. But it is odd for sudden stardom to strike a woman of your … of your …
Susan: My age? My homeliness? My bad taste in housedresses?
IVCAFF: All that and more…
Susan: Well, it’s the economy, idn’t it? Things have been really down the crapper lately.
IVCAFF: True.
Susan: and when things are THIS bad, people start wanting to see happy endings. It’s the Cinderella story. I’m made for it, didn’t have a stepmum, but I took care of me sick mum for years, wasting me youth and good looks…well, youth anyway.
IVCAFF: You’re old, you’re dumpy…but you have a great voice.
Susan: Imagine that! Ugly as a pair of buttocks but has talent!
IVCAFF: Simon Cowell makes an odd fairy godmother. Well, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise, if you’ve ever followed jazz, half the chanteuses are all big mommas.
Susan: Or opera–they’re all two-tons Tessies, even the boys.
IVCAFF: But this is pop music, which has always put a premium on age and looks.
Susan: It’s ridiculous these days, why some of these pop divas make and break their careers while they’re still jailbait, they do.
IVCAFF: Only at Disney, home of the underage tease.
Susan: It’s true. Real women have warts! Hair growing out of moles! Jowls!
IVCAFF: Well, thank you Susan, all the luck in the world in your continued endeavors.
Susan: And thank you, Intravenous Caffeine, for not really coming anywhere near me.

AIG: Robbing Us Blind to Preserve the American Way of Life

Friends, by now you know the story. Uncle Moneybags has given $170 Bn to AIG to prevent them from going under because of mismanagement. They in turn are paying bonuses to the very executives who mismanaged them in the first place. They say they’re contractually obligated. Well, if they’d gone bankrupt, these same executives wouldn’t have gotten a dime.
They don’t get it. They just–don’t–get it. They really don’t understand that we’re no longer in “business as usual mode.” That they can’t buy expensive drapes or parchment wastebaskets on the taxpayer’s nickel. But–I’m owed this money–it’s in my contract. Jumpin’ Jehosophat, didn’t it ever occur to the lawyers who drew up these contracts to write in–”If the company tanks, no bonuses will be paid”? Even if AIG didn’t go bankrupt, why should anyone want to pay these guys for screwing up so bad? In the words of one dope earlier this year, “Well, if we don’t pay our best people, we won’t be able to keep them.” Best people??? You want to keep these jerks? No, let them join the ranks of the unemployed. Let them suffer the utter humiliation of driving to the unemployment office in last year’s BMW. “Well,” said the lawyers, “if we don’t pay them, we might be subject to litigation.” Let ‘em sue. You say, “the government of the United States gave us orders not to pay these bonuses.” Then let them sue the US Government.
But you say–it’s only a couple of hundred million–compared to the $170 BILLION we bailed them out with, that’s a drop in the bucket. True, but that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing–people shouldn’t be paid for screwing up. If you pay a plumber to unstop your drain, and he fixes it by removing the clogged pipe and letting the water out all over the floor, are you going to pay him? Hell, no–he screwed up. So why then should these dopes be rewarded for crashing our economy? And why should it be US that pays them. The kind of reward these guys really deserve cannot be expressed on a general audience website, but I have it on good authority that Pongo and his gorilla buddies are all hot to give it to them.
(NY TIMES) Bracing for a Bailout Backlash
(NY TIMES) A.I.G. Lists the Banks to Which It Paid Rescue Funds
(WashPost) Millions in AIG bonuses draw chorus of outrage
(Reuters via WashPost) Millions in AIG bonuses ignite bipartisan fire
(AP via WashPost) Frank assails bonuses paid to executives at AIG

Michael Steele, You’re Rush’s Bitch Now

UPDATE: March 29, 2010. High flyer: RNC Chairman Steele suggested buying private jet with GOP funds “Once on the ground, FEC filings suggest, Steele travels in style. A February RNC trip to California, for example, included a $9,099 stop at the Beverly Hills Hotel, $6,596 dropped at the nearby Four Seasons, and $1,620.71 spent [update: the amount is actually $1,946.25] at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex.” Hmmm looks like I was onto something back here

Please note: I have nothing against people going to bondage clubs. Whatever floats your boat. I just find it ironic when the Chairman of the “family values” party spends nearly $2K at one and gets the “family values” party to foot the bill!

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2010/03/29/high-flyer-rnc-chairman-steele-suggested-buying-private-jet-with-gop-funds/#ixzz0jaf1DaRB and check out Jason Linkins at Huffington Post

---

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2010/03/29/high-flyer-rnc-chairman-steele-suggested-buying-private-jet-with-gop-funds/#ixzz0jaf1DaRBNot content with having forced Phil Gingrey to kiss his bulbous ass, Mr. Republican, aka Rush Limbaugh–who’d rather see the USA go down the tube than allow a black Democratic President to succeed where the GOP failed–has turned upon the head of the Republican Party–newly minted chairman Michael Steele and pounced on a supposed insult to Himself and made the sinning Mr. Steele grovel before Him. I don’t think it matters that Michael Steele is black, Rush would make any anointee grovel–he’s an equal opportunity megalomaniac. Now we know who’s running the show, don’t we? Unfortunately, this does not bode well for the party of Lincoln, but heck, they’d abandoned Lincoln’s principles by the time of Andrew Johnson. I believe that there is a true and major need for a conservative voice in government, but not a party of “dittoheads” shouting at the behest of a self-appointed demagogue. That’s not conservatism–that’s a mob. Perhaps Mr. Limbaugh thinks he should be the real head of the RNC–as President. Oh, well, Canada needs more citizens…
Andy Ostroy has an entertaining piece in the Huffington Post on this The Rush to Kiss Rush’s Ass> I’m amused that he chose to use the Titanic image to depict Rush’s helmsmanship since that was my same thought in January. GMTA

ColBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!

Now I watch other brilliant commentators on our nation. I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I like Stephen…he’s an up-and-coming young man, to whom I wish all the success in the world. But what gets me is that every once in a while, Stephen and his writers look like they’re reading me–AND NOT SENDING ME A CHECK! It happened many times during HAIL DUBYUS! but I overlooked it–after all, he is young. Great minds do think alike and what occurred to me could have easily occurred to him or his writers. And the young are wont to do brash and foolish things. But imagine the look on my face when I saw last night’s Colbert Report and saw the juxtaposition of these two clips which followed back to back on each other, the first about Congressmen twittering during the Obama speech the other night, and the second about adopting the “Swedish” economic plan and going Viking:

 

Now look at yesterday’s cartoon about congressmen twittering:

and this one from January 27, just one month ago,where I suggest to the ICELANDIC Nation that they take up a-Viking Again to solve their economic woes!

Nation… it is true that great minds think alike. And Stephen has a mind that is almost as sharp and quick as my own. But this is beyond coincidence. I own the copyright on Vikings! Stephen, if you’re going to use my material, you should PAY for it. Stephen Colbert, you have earned yourself a wag of my finger! YOU HEAR THAT COLBERT–I WANT YOU TO USE THAT DONATION BOX OVER ON THE RIGHT. Yeah, that one.———–> Until then, you’re on notice, mister! And that’s the word

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ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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GregoriusU @ Deviant Art

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