The Bada-Bing Health Plan–an insurance you can’t refuse…

Y'know, if health care reform gets passed, we're gonna have to raise your rates--nothing personal, it's just business/

Tony Soprano goes into health insurance since it's more profitable than the rackets

Hey, did you hear the one about the four-month old baby whose parents’ health insurance dropped him from coverage because they said he was obese? No, seriously, there’s no punch line. Rocky Mountain Health Plans denied coverage to Kelli and Bernie Lange’s baby Alex because–as their insurance broker put it, “Your baby is too fat.” Wow, I bet they thought he was heart attack material! Breaking the scales at 17 pounds, this youngster was obviously a poor insurance risk! Well, after a burst of negative publicity, Rocky Mountain reviewed the case and conceded that Alex might be healthy after all. But if nobody’d raised a stink–you can bet they’d’ve stuck to their guns and saved a buck on this crawling train wreck waiting to happen.
Meanwhile, the health care lobby released a study that they commissioned that showed–surprise surprise–that if health care reform is passed, current insurance subscriber premiums will rise. Democrats are thunderstruck–every study they’ve done has shown that, according to the laws of economics, premiums should go down because of this legislation. Ahhhh, but the Democrats are forgetting one thing–crooks don’t obey laws! Rather than taking the study seriously as an honest study, the White House should take it seriously for what it REALLY is–a threat. You pass reform and we’ll raise premiums. We’ve got a cherry-picked study that justifies it.
Let’s drop the pretense–health insurance companies used to be just parasites–but they had ambition and through hard work have advanced all the way to thug! Never mind that the current legislation REQUIRES everyone to buy insurance–holding open the public option only for people who can’t get the high-priced spread–it’s “an offer you can’t refuse.” No, really, you can’t refuse it or you’ll be fined for not having insurance. True, the mob won’t be able to drop your coverage based on shady “pre-existing conditions”, but there’ll be so many more healthy people paying them premiums, that if they’re making money by the truckload now, they’ll be getting a whole fleet of trucks courtesy of Uncle Sugar. So why the threat? So they can raise the premiums and make money by the trainload. Tony Soprano would be impressed.
You hear a lot about “taking back the country,” from the right wing. I agree we need to take it back, but not from Obama, not from the Democrats. We need to take it back from the bankers, the credit card companies, the insurers whose greed is creating a virtual serfdom for the people of the United States. And holding us hostage to prevent any real reform of the system. We need to tar and feather these felons and con men and ride them out of town on a rail…and impound their off-shore bank accounts. They haven’t learned to play nice–it’s time we stopped playing nice with them.

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SPECIAL EDITION SHOCKER: POPE CANONIZES BARACK OBAMA

Pope Benedict announces the shocking pre-decease canonization of Barack Obama!

Let's all put our hands together for the new saint!

(SNN) ROME– In an incredible followup to this morning’s announcement of Barack Obama’s Nobel Prize, Pope Benedict conferred canonization upon him as well. “Today, Divine Wisdom allows us to gather around his altar with praise and thanksgiving for the grace granted to us in the canonization of President Barack Obama,” said the pontiff. The pope addressed the unusual circumstances of this elevation: “While Barack Obama has not yet performed the requisite three miracles, he has offered the world hope after the idiocy of his predecessor. He has furthermore shown so much promise that we cannot believe but that an abundance of miracles will flow.” While saints usually come from within the Catholic faith, the Pope said, “The consecration of someone who may have once been a Muslim and even now is only a Protestant heretic is a sign of the ecumenism that the Church is supposed to show.” Pope Benedict continued, “The canonization of one who isn’t dead yet demonstrates the commitment of the Church to modernization in its abandonment of mortuist prejudice.” The announcement was met with cries of “Possumus! Possumus!” Yes, we can in the ancient language of Rome.
The White House was unavailable for comment.

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And Another Thing–Why Are All These Books About Jews Anyway?

While burning old inaccurate LIBERAL Bibles, a preacher stops a man from burning one because it has a mildew stain in the image of Jesus Christ.

IRONY ALERT! (I better say that before anyone starts accusing me of advocating any book burning, let alone Bible burning)

Conservapedia–the online encyclopedia that shows you the RIGHT way to think about things!–has come up with a new project: the translation of a CONSERVATIVE Holy Bible! Even though conservative preachers have been going great guns with that old perennial, the King James translation, Conservapedia has decided that it is much too liberal. After all, those Jacobeans who hung severed heads of criminals on prison gates were just too bleeding heart (bleeding heads don’t count). Convinced that not only have certain passages been mistranslated, but that the original texts contained politically correct interpolations, they have asked readers to help in retranslating the Bible to illustrate conservative principles. After all, it shouldn’t take too long–there’s only about 8000 verses, that could take one person only a year–think how fast it could be done with lots of people. They will also be editing the text to weed out suspicious passages, like “Father, forgive them…” Forget about–give away all your goods and follow me–obviously a later interpolation. The New Testament will probably get cut to about a page and a half but you can be sure we’re gonna get that old story about the “Eye of the Needle” gate to show that rich people really CAN get into heaven.
Now granted some recent translations have taken pains to introduce PC language–but nobody likes these translations anyway–up until the late 20th century, translators took pains to produce translations of greater and greater literal accuracy. Words change over a couple of thousand years–some Biblical vocabulary has shifted meaning and there are other words that nobody knows WTF they meant in the first place! So every translation and retranslation was intent on correcting errors made by the LAST translators because nobody speaks ancient Greek and ancient Hebrew anymore. There are entire SCHOOLS devoted to Biblical criticism–that’s right, I mean YOU, Tübingen! So where TF do these guys come off thinking they can figure out what the Bible really means and WTF is really in it? One of their justifications is “Well, Thomas Jefferson did the same thing and everyone knows what kind of bleeding heart liberal HE was.” Oooo, oooo, oooo, oooo, oooo! Got me THERE! Well, Thomas Jefferson only did that with the Gospels and he wasn’t attempting to thrust it down anyone’s throats, but was just doing it for his own intellectual curiosity, not a political screed. But I forgot–the editors of Conservapedia have opinions, not intellectual curiosity.
NONETHELESS, in a spirit of co-operation, We have decided to lend Conservapedia a hand and deliver our own conservative version of a short passage. Conservapedia is free to include this passage (as long as they footnote an attribution to Greg Uchrin, Intravenous Caffeine LOL):

The Eight Beatitudes

And Jesus said:
“Blessed are the poor in mental capacity, for they shall cast votes…
“Blessed are the mean, for they shall possess everything…
“Blessed are they who mourn, for the inheritance tax shall be abolished…
“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for theirs is the hand on the switch…
“Blessed are the merciless interrogators, for they shall be called patriots and let off scot free…
“Blessed are the pure of blood, for they shall be called white folks…
“Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall shoot six…
“Blessed are those who reap incredible profits from astute political contributions, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”

(For additional info, see Conservatizing the Bible. And check out TheColbertReport for instructions on how YOU can help add Stephen Colbert to the Conservative Bible 🙂 )

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Sex Scandals–The ONLY Truly Bipartisan Game in Town!

A staffer confesses to her (multiple choice to cover all possibilities) affair with her boss, senator, congressman, TV show host, etc.. Her husband's thought? How do I get a piece of this?

You've Got BLACKMAIL!

It’s been a GOOD couple of weeks for adultery! We’ve had so many sex scandals and continuing stories of past sex scandals, it’s hard to keep track of them! Time was, you could depend on Democrats for sex scandals and Republicans for money ones–not anymore! We’ve gone bipartisan with both 🙂
Ignoring Newt Gingrich’s epic fails at honoring porn and strip club owners with awards for their all-American entrepeneurship because those were not really sex scandals, just clueless jokes (Newt’s own adulterous indiscretions are in the past … probably), let’s see what’s on our plate. We’ve had Elizabeth Edwards possibly divorcing former Presidential candidate husband John because she didn’t think he was in love with his paramour, he was just a randy sonuvabitch. Come on, Elizabeth, he promised Rielle a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews band…after you DIED. Surely that was love–or bad taste. Jenny Sanford has signed to write a book about her life with Mark, he of the Argentinian tango on South Carolina funds! I’m sure we’ll find out more about the “family values” of the governor who skipped out on his kids Boy Scout outing for a tryst in Buenos Aires!
And it hasn’t been limited to politicians. Roman Polanski finally got nailed for the sexual assault charge he pleaded guilty to and then skipped out on when it looked like the judge was going to sentence him to more than a slap on the wrist. As Whoopi Goldberg said, “That was only child rape, not rape rape. That 13 year old knew what what she was doing.” After a few glasses of champagne. What a little slut, eh, Whoopie? And now David Letterman does a monologue about boffing some female members of his staff to forestall anyone ELSE from getting the idea of blackmailing him for it. Oh, I meant to forestall his fans from finding out, not in the tabloids, but in REAL NEWSPAPERS! Or TMZ, whichever comes first.
Which brings me to my final bit of tawdriness. Back in the good old days, when a man discovered his wife was doing the hot mambo behind his back, why he’d pick up his brace of pistols and challenge the guy to a duel. Or ambush him in the dark. Or ambush THEM in the dark. Or just shoot him in the most public place possible, preferably in the most embarassing place possible. And in Arizona, he can still do it in a saloon! But the one that takes the cake is the Senator Ensign “affair.” Seems while John was boffing Cindy Hampton, her husband didn’t smack the Nevada senator in the chops, but decided it was a golden opportunity to rake in a little of his own. After John had paid Cindy “severance” pay on the order of $96,000, he helped hubby Doug to get two jobs. But that wasn’t enough for Doug, you betcha, as he allegedly tried to blackmail John and the Republican National Committee into even more hush money. I think Doug showed the true spirit of American entrepeneurship. Hey Newt! I think we have a new candidate for your award! CHA-CHING!

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Cojones! Get your Hot Cojones Heah!

Democrats are amazed at the sack that Alan Grayson has with him, since theirs are empty.

Finally!

Well, it seems Congressman Alan Grayson has breached the unwritten law of modern parliamentary procedure–he told the truth! He said it bluntly and with nary an “Esteemed Colleagues” either. Well, not the whole truth–he did say that the Republican Health Plan was “Don’t get sick, but if you do, die quickly.” He forgot the part about “Work when you should take sick leave or we’ll dock your pay.” I know about that part, I once worked at a company that told that to someone who had flu and then DIED. Quickly, I might add.
This isn’t merely amazing Democrats, but it’s absolutely infuriating Republicans. According to The Nation, NRCC spokesman Ken Spain called it pathological behavior, and Congressman Tom Price of Georgia has introduced a resolution accusing Grayson of “a breach of decorum and (degrading) the integrity and proceedings of the House.” Wow. He should read some of the antics that went on in the 20th century (or is that too retro?)! Hell, he should turn on C-Span and watch one of the debates in Parliament! Hey, Tom! This isn’t the Senate, this is the House! The People’s Chamber! You’re allowed not to wear a gray suit–and you get much less under-the-table to boot!
Grayson was given a chance for a mea culpa on Wolf Blitzer where he offered an apology–not to the Republicans who demanded it, but to the 44,000 people who die each year under our current excuse for health care. At the suggestion that he was as bad as Joe Wilson–naturally the Republicans didn’t actually call Joe BAD–Grayson patiently explained the difference between telling the truth and publicly calling the President a liar–to his face–in front of millions of people when Wilson himself didn’t even have the facts straight. Personally, I think Wilson jumped his cue–which was why the handsitting members of his party gave him dirty looks–it wasn’t the point where they had expected to leap from their chairs and cry “Woot!” But like I said, Alan even amazed Democratic strategist James Carville–never exactly known for being a shrinking violet himself–who, although he admired Grayson’s courage, said he would have called the Republicans “regressive” instead of “knuckle-dragging Neanderthals“. I might be forced to agree with Jim–calling this bunch of obstructionists Neanderthals does a disservice to cavemen everywhere–despite how bad their TV show was! The cavemen’s, not the Republicans’.
While Republicans are united in their own lack of cojones–as long as we all agree to say no, who needs them?–the Democrats DO have another guy with brass ones–I’m referring to Senator Baucus, who presided over the voting down of the public options amendments–the option that most Americans want and 3 out of 4 doctors recommend!–explaining that he didn’t think they would be able to get 60 votes. Max–it takes only 51 votes to pass a bill, it only needs 60 when you’re trying to get it to a vote against a filibuster threat. Thanks for telling us that not only would you not vote for real healthcare reform, but you’d side with those who didn’t even want it to be voted on! Man, the health care lobby has gotten its money’s worth from YOU!
But the one person in the Democratic Party who SHOULD be showing some nads is the one who’s showing them the least–the ostensible head of the Party–yes I mean you, Barry (not that you read any blogs anymore). I know you’d rather be having photo ops with cute kids and HuffPost readers, but dammit, campaigning ended almost a year ago–it’s time to be fulfilling some of that hope oil you sold us! I mean, even Netanyahu knows you’d never DO anything to back up your pursed lips. Take a stand on this and ACT on it. The time for inspiring words alone is passed. Otherwise, your party’s leadership is going to pass to a freshman Congressman who actually has the steel ones to stand up for what he says instead of just playing pocket billiards.
Rack ’em up again, boys, we got a live one.

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