Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

How Dare They Publish These Documents Without Clearing It With HQ?

The little American general tries to plug the leak in the dyke.

Sticking his finger in the dyke...

Well, Wikileaks has done it again. Not being content with having shown video of a turkey shooting in Baghdad–oh, wait a moment–those weren’t turkeys, those were REUTERS NEWS MEN!–they now have had the effrontery to publish 92,000 documents concerning our wartime activities in Afghanistan. 92,000! This makes the 4100 pages of the Pentagon Papers look like small potatoes. You couldn’t do this before the Interwebs! Let’s hear it for technology!

As for what’s in those documents, God only knows. WhoTF has even read them yet? I mean, this makes the last couple of Harry Potter books look like Victoria’s Secret flyers! Wikileaks founder Julian Assange tells us that there is evidence of war crimes there. The Guardian–the British newspaper given advance looks at the stuff–says there no such thing. But one thing, they and the NYTimes and Der Spiegel agree on–it’s worse than we were told.

The White House is making sure that everyone knows that the bulk of these documents deal with things that happened B.O.–Before Obama! But if this was the situation B.O., WTF are we still doing there now? The Pentagon, sharp as ever, wants to remind everyone that no one vetted these documents. Hell, back in the good ol’ days when Stan McChrystal was in charge, the Army vetted all leaks!

As for the reaction of the American public, who knows? The loudest shouters are so far, and have always been, the people who think we’re at war in Afghanistan because THEY ATTACKED US! Wait a minute, that war was over seven years ago–and WE WON! But perhaps these documents may convince more people that the reason for being in Afghanistan vanished a long time ago and–like the guy at last call who hasn’t left yet–the reason we’re still there is because we’re too drunk to see where the door is.

But I doubt it–the size of the leak is too vast for anyone to get a handle on it and its sheer weight will dull its own impact. As for war crimes–hey, there’s only a couple of them in there and they’re just little ones anyway! Besides, it’s war! You can’t make an omelet without breaking a couple of eggs!

I’m afraid we’ll be eating that Afghan Omelet for some time. And it will be about as appetizing as eating my Aunt Margie’s Afghan.

No cartoon next week–I’m taking time off and going to Otakon! Have fun y’all and try to stay out of the heat!

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Sarah Palin Refudiates Nothing In 140 Characters or Less

Sarah Palin--for her work in expanding the English language and works in the American haiku tradition of 140 characters--is enshrined as our Shakespeare.

Sarah Palin--Shakespeare of Our Times

How does she do it? Cal State–a cash strapped university–in troubled times–having problems meeting its own payroll–decides it has umpty-ump thousand dollars to pay a failed Vice Presidential candidate to mangle English syntax in front of potential donors. That’s right–75,000 dollars! It’s a beautiful day, Mister Rogers. I wish I’d run for Vice President too!

Presumably, it’s because the fatcats who write out checks for University sports want to hear the next President of the United States speak. What? President Palin? What am I THINKING? That Alaskan state trooper better watch his ass NOW! Hey, Russkies–I have you in my sites–from the ROSE GARDEN! Maybe those college administrators who invited her weren’t so crazy. After all, they raised 60K–no, now they claim it’s really 207K from the event! They must’ve hired someone from Lehman Brothers to do the accounting!

Sarah’s other workload, as we all know these days, is her work as a poetess in that American haiku form of poetry in 140 characters or less–the Tweet. Sarah is so gifted in this form, she twitters several hundred times each day. And we know it’s really her, no one else could come up with a word like “refudiate”. Except George Bush. Oh …. My …. GOD! GMTA Bill. GMTA George!

Sarah compared herself to Bill Shakespeare–that old dead white guy that used to write plays 800 years ago (Sarah isn’t sure how long ago it was–no one can understand the language he wrote in anymore). After all, he made up words when he wasn’t sure how to spell them either! I say Sarah is better than Willie! He took 14 lines a sonnet to express his thoughts. Sarah has that down to 140 characters!

I’m announcing right now that I’m a candidate for President in 2012. Let’s start those university fundraisers coming in.

Oh BTW, BP has capped the well. It may or may not be working. It may or may not have a leak. It may or may not need to come off again because it may or may not need to be put on straight. We may or may not have a Gulf of Mexico by 2020. And the guys who are helping with the clean-up? Their pay will be deducted from any money they’re entitled to from the 20 Billion Dollar kiss off.

And June was the hottest on record. Haven’t heard anyone talking about global warming fraud since the spring. But like the swallows at Capistrano–who missed their target this year–the deniers will be back next winter! HAPPY SUMMER!

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Just Stand At Attention and Yell Semper Fi

SecDef Robert Gates defends the record of Marine General James Mattis who now only thinks it's a heck of a lot of fun to shoot people.

Gimme an OO-RAH!

It’s been a good week for hoof-in-mouth disease! First we have Lindsay Lohan, who was photographed at her probation hearing with her fingers on her lips and the words F*U*C*K*Y*O*U scrolled neatly on her fingernails. What she was doing with her fingers on her bottom lip is beyond me, probably playing BLERM with her lip, thinking the judge might think it was funny!

Well, I got news for you, Lindsay. The judge wasn’t all that thrilled. Would somebody PLEEZE tell that girl that this ISN’T A MOVIE! We’re not in Disney World anymore–the laws hold–especially the ones about cause and effect! Actions do have consequences. Oh well, maybe some time in the slammer (maybe 9 out of 90 days?) will have some effect. It seemed to work on Paris Hilton. On the other hands, if her friends are right, LL might spend the entire time in withdrawal from nicotine.

Then we have our new man at CentCom, General James Mattis. Since General Petraeus is taking over the post of hoof-in-mouth specialist General McChrystal, his old post at CentCom needs re-filling. Enter James Matiss of the US Marines! OO-RAH!! Another victim of hoof-in-mouth on the scope! UH-OH!

Looks like someone unearthed a video of him saying was fun it was to shoot people. He meant the enemy, of course. Even a Marine General isn’t crazy enough to mean it was fun to shoot at friends. Or random people, although that does seem to be the nature of targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. SecDef Robert Gates said we shouldn’t pay any attention to that video. It was five whole years ago and General Mattis has learned his lesson. He now knows it’s not fun to shoot civilians. At least to admit it. And if anyone asks him anything he hasn’t been given the answer for, he’ll just stand at attention and yell “Semper Fi.” Confuses everyone–works all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good week for misstatements–looks like the only guy NOT getting into trouble has been Paul the Octopus. What’s that? Even the Germans want to turn him into sushi for not predicting them to win the World Cup? Hey football fans–he’s a psychic, not a witch doctor. Get it straight! Paul did. Besides, he’ll taste awful with wasabi!

But we all have to agree–Paul is one cephalopod who doesn’t just suck for a living!

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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer: There Can Be Only One!

Solo puede quedar uno!--There can be only one! Jan Brewer's fight against the Illegals of Clan McLeodo.

The reason behind all those beheadings of Illegals Jan Brewer was talking about--Clan McLeodo! There can be only one!

I finally understand it. Here I thought the idea behind Arizona’s new anti-illegal immigrant laws was simply racism, ethnic purity or some such nonsense. It is not. Governor Jan Brewer is leading the fight against The Illegals! The immortal descendants of Clan McLeodo who are waiting for the time of the Gathering, when the stroke of a sword and the fall of a head will release the power of the Quickening. In the end, there can be only one! (cue Queen, Princes of the Universe)

The star of Governor Brewer’s political compass is not Ron Paul. It isn’t Rand Paul. Hell, it isn’t even Ru Paul. It’s ADRIAN PAUL! That’s right. Duncan McLeod! Not Connor McLeod from the daffy but lovable old movie which has a Scotsman played by a Frenchman who does a Peter Lorre impression (Christopher Lambert), while having an Egyptian with a Spanish name and clothing being played by an actual Scot (Sean Connery). About the only character who was what he was supposed to be was the Kurgan, a weird guy played by the even weirder Clancy Brown. No, we’re talking about the TV series with Adrian Paul (Adrian who?) which ran into the ground when his character Duncan McLeod decided he had two many co-stars and started killing them off at the end of season five.

So you see, it isn’t about crime, or racial prejudice, or white people wanting to hang around outside of Home Depot to pick up contractor jobs. After all, the instructions are NOT to use racial profiling in trying to pick out potential wetbacks on the street. After all, that hot blonde with the Eastern European accent could be one of them mail-order Russian brides who have married American just to get a green card! And we want to make sure those kind of criminals are arrested and searched for illegal ummm, illegal, well who cares, as long as we get to perform a full body search.

No. It’s finally clear that Jan Brewer’s and the Arizona legislature’s concern is to protect the people of Arizona from all the sword fights and beheadings that have been plaguing the streets of Tombstone! Forcing Arizonans to rush to the shelter of churches they would not have entered except for Christmas, Easter, weddings and funerals for the protection of Holy Ground where the Illegals cannot fight. Ever since Duncan’s dark quickening, Brewer said, we cannot depend on the Highlander of Clan McLeodo in the hope of having a good Calvinist only being the One Only Being. Arizona must be protected against ALL Illegals! Especially Canadians!

And speaking of Duncan McLeod: once I was in the Playboy mansion–that place is so huge and with so many rooms with SO many different things going on, I got completely lost. I was stumbling around, not knowing whether I was in the grotto or the bedroom wing! In my confusion, I turned a corner and went into a room and was aghast to see Hugh Hefner and Hugh Jackman humping on top of Adrian Paul. Aghast, I ran up to them, waving my arms and shouting: “Hey! Hey! Hugh! Hugh! Get off of McLeod!”

OK, I stole that part from Joe Bob Briggs. Happy 234th Birthday, U. S. of A.

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