Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Don’t Touch My Junk Rap…

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Fred’n'Bert decided that it’s been too long since they’ve done any music so they took the occasion of TSA’s latest idiocy in the fruitless attempt to keep us safe from our own shadows. Don’t they realize the only way the airlines will be 100% safe from terrorists if nobody’s flying? Hmmmm, maybe that’s part of the plan–remove geographical mobility–serfdom, here we come!

Anyway, I could only fit PART of the rap in the cartoon, so for the benefit of Search Engine visibility, the extended version is presented here in text:

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!

Welcome, America to Nazi Germany lite.
We turned into you without much of a fight.
Nine-eleven is what brought us down to our knees.
“Save us, we’ll give up all our liberties!”

Tap our phones–What have you got to hide?
Protest and you are on the terrorist’s side!
A fence between us and Mexico?
Little kids at Guantanamo!
Torturing suspects in Iraq
Hey, waterboarding keeps us safe from attack.

Get on a plane? Take off your belt,
take off your shoes, now prepare to get Felt
Up, Groped Up, Fondled Up, Pissed Up, Shut up!
Don’t make any noise, we’ll call over our boys!
This is just the latest thing in travelin’ joys!

Little old ladies, nine-year old kids,
Colostomy bag? God forbid!
You might be using it to bring some explosive shit—
Better empty it out or be declared unfit.

We must be safe—one hundred percent.
No that’s not enough, a hundred-ten percent!
No matter what we think we have prevented
The terrorists will come up with a plan to circumvent it!

You want privacy? Better fly first class—
You won’t be finding one of them get probed in the ass!
We understand the need to be cautious,
but this kind of thing just makes me nauseous!

Don’t tell us that you understand our frustrations,
President Obama, just stop these violations.
The 4th amendment protects our rights
from unlawful search but not on air flights?
It’s time we stopped acting scared and paranoid—
The terrorists have won: Freedom’s null and void!

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
DON’T TASE ME BRO!

Seriously, President O, if you think it’s just frustration, then you don’t get it. It’s a physical, mental, emotional and illegal violation of our persons and that’s what everyone’s upset about. We can never BE 100% safe from everything. More people die in traffic accidents in a couple of weeks than all the people in terrorist attacks for the last 9 years. There’s a better chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a terrorist attack. None of these extraordinary measures have stopped any terrorist attacks. It’s always been some observant person who’s seen something strange going on that stops them. It’s time to stop acting like Chicken Little or people WILL stop using the airlines unless they have to.

At least that will be good for the trains.

Anime USA 2010 pictures up on my Flickr account.

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The Decider’s Decision Points: How I Flushed the Greatest Nation Down the Toilet

George Bush takes credit for his memoir as he holds up the trophy of his presidency, a bass fish he caught.

George W. Bush relives the proudest moment of his Presidency...

Georgie Bush, our own beloved sociopathic Alfred E. Newman, has been seen sneaking out from whatever rock he’s been hiding under for the last two years several times in the last few weeks, a sighting that could mean only one thing: his ghost writers have finished authorizating his rememboirs. Last week, the book finally emerged onto bookstore shelves and boosted onto the best-seller lists by the right wing book buying machine.

It comes as no surprise that George has no regrets about any policy decisions he’d made. The invasion of Iraq? Oh that was faulty intelligence–someone ELSE’s fault (which someone else, George Tenet, was awarded the Medal of Freedom for taking the fall for cooking the dumbass intelligence the way this dumbass president wanted). His main regrets appear to be public relations errors, Mission Accomplished (Great Job or something) and that stupid photograph of him looking out the airplane over sunken New Orleans. His worst moment? Kanye West calling him a racist. Because it forced a moment of self-reflection upon him? Au contraire–because it was so “disgusting” for Kanye West to say such a thing.

Kanye has become used to apologizing for things, so naturally he has now apologized to Bush. And well he should have. Bush isn’t a racist–it’s poor people he doesn’t like. Poor people exist to be exploited–white, black, yellow, brown, red, doesn’t matter–he’s an equal opportunity exploiter.

But what did we expect from Bush? Introspection? Precise delineation of how a person who rules from his gut came to gut decisions? We chronicled the Bush years after 2003 in HAIL DUBYUS! (when I finally decided to let loose my satiric skills–see my Best of Hail Dubyus and Best Of Page 2 pages) and in all that time, it was never clear whether Bush was an idiot, a lunatic, or just plain evil. His book does not elucidate that question any further. Most probably all three. But his book does show a fourth side of Bush–a lazy sumbitch who wasn’t even content to let someone else write his memoirs, but had to plagiarize other books about him by his advisors. Just think of it–we got into two wars and a near depression (which may still become a depression if the deficit hawks have their way) because this man was too goddam lazy to think about alternatative strategeries.

Speaking of my best of pages, you can get real printed copies of 70-some of my favorite Bush era cartoons at IndyPlanet, in all their 300 dpi glory. Look for Bushwhacked: The Wurst of Hail Dubyus and contribute to a noble cause: ME! (Seriously, I don’t get paid by anyone for creating these cartoons. I do it for the satisfaction of contributing SOMETHING to the universe to help hold us back from the cliff the Lemming States of America is rushing towards. But a few bucks would be helpful.)

In other news, AnimeUSA was this past weekend and later this week, photos of cosplayers will be up on my Flickr account. So anyone that I took photos of, be sure to check that link on Thursday or Friday, by which the pics will be uploaded.

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INTRODUCING CAPTAIN TEABAG: SUPERCONGRESSMAN!

The new tea party candidates may find the task they've set themselves harder than they think.

Fighting for Fox News, no taxes ... and the American Way.

INTRODUCING: Captain Teabag! Newly elected to Congress, he plans to go to that den of iniquity, Washington DC, and turn it back to the truth of God and the US Constitution. Social programs? EVIL–they’re Social-IST! I’d never accept a penny from any one of them–not me! Maybe my lazy brother-in-law … and my cousins. And a few aunts and uncles. But not me–so WE don’t need them. Forget that one for all and all for one crap. Doesn’t the Bible say an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Well, I’m for myself!

And how do they pay for all these communist plots? All these unconstitutional TAXES. Tell me–where does it say that the government can COLLECT taxes? It says CONGRESS can LEVY taxes, nothing about collecting them. And it doesn’t say “INCOME taxes”. I’m gonna abolish taxes, abolish unemployment payments, abolish Obamacare. And that’s just on the FIRST day I’m in office!

Oh, and impeach the Kenyan.

BUT, we need to spend even more on Defense! All them Muslims are all out to attack us. We need to be more than ready to take care of them, we need to bring the fight over there. Let’s nuke Iran before they nuke us. And bring on the lobbyists so I know what to vote for.

My door will always be open to K Street.

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Will Sanity Be Restored? Not if WE can help it…

A screenshot from Fox News showing the Stewart-Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear snowed out--in October

And FoxNews viewers from DC swear they saw it--but forgot their names


Well, it’s not a cartoon, but damn, it’s been so long since I posted anything, I just had to post SOMETHING. First of all, my bronchitis is “mostly” gone. I feel better but my strength isn’t up completely back to where it should be. It will be by the end of the week. Thanks to my well-wishers who expressed good wishes. We won’t mention what I wish for those who wished the opposite :D

I DID get to the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear on Saturday. Wish I’d done more to publicize it, although the boys certainly did not need MY publicity. The subway (errrr Metro–how gay is that? –Samantha Bee) was incredible. There were lines 20-30 minutes long to buy tickets and then olive oil was spread on the riders to get them all squeezed into the cars. When the doors finally opened at L’Enfant Plaza, it was like projectile vomit as the trains disgorged their charges.

By the time I actually made the rally location–and I admit I was moving slowly due to my energy levels–you literally could not get two blocks from the mall before foot traffic slowed to a shuffle-along. The DC police had wisely shut down several streets. My own uninformed crowd guesstimates said there was at least 150k people there and possibly as high as 300k. I think the TOTAL number of people who came to the Rally was close to the latter, but because of the difficulty getting within site and sound of the stage–and there were video feeds with huge sound systems to relay the proceedings to the further away, BUT THERE WERE THAT MANY PEOPLE THERE–that the back of the crowd was very fluid with people arriving, staying for a while, and then leaving to get a better view ON THE INTERNET. In fact, I couldn’t stay to the end because I couldn’t find a good place to both see and hear what was going on. The CBSNews paid for crowd count said 215,000. That’s a reasonable number for the amount of people who were there at any single moment in time.

It was odd to see how the news media handled it. Although pre-rally shows began at 10 am, and some people had been there since the night before, I could not find any crowd estimates on the cable news stations. It was as if nothing was going to happen. Contrast that with the ballyhoo that characterized Glenn Beck’s revival meetin’. By Sunday, the coverage rapidly evaporated after 6 am–yesterday’s news. DId they get wind of what the main point of the Rally was? That the media, fanning the flames of partisanship, is one of the major contributors to the chasm that is seen between political viewpoints today? As people, we work together everyday despite differences–Jon Stewart likened it to merging into the lanes of a tunnel–a very apt simile for someone in the NY/NJ area. Yet in politics, there is this perception of near civil war, at least the way the news media provides soapboxes to the MOST extreme elements.

Some of my progressive friends have opined that Jon and Stephen STILL missed the point–after all, the most extreme elements are all ON THE RIGHT. That may be so. But the point of the rally wasn’t to point fingers at THEM. It was to point fingers at the people on the sidelines who are busily asking both sides if they need more gasoline to put out the fire. They are no longer informing us. They’re like the reporter in Ace in the Hole/The Big Carnival who prevented the rescue of the man trapped in a cave to prolong the news story. In the movie, the trapped guy died. But now, we’re the people in the cave. Will we have a release like the Chileans? Or do we go down in the interests of real journalism?

Thanks Jon and Stephen. It was a good rally.

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