Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Benghazi!–IRS!–He Bowed to Someone!–His Tie is Crooked!–Scandal! Scandal!

Scandal! Scandal!

O, my stars! I'm fixin' to have the vapors!

Do I really need to go into this? I think my cartoon expresses the ho-hum attitude the American people have for the incessant attempts to find some kind of scandal on a President who, as far as we know, has never even THOUGHT about getting a blowjob from an intern. These scandals like Benghazi never stick not because Barack Obama is made of teflon (like Ronald Reagan) but because despite something BAD happening, there has been no wrong-doing.

About the IRS singling out the Patriot and Tea Party groups for investigation–well, I have one thing to say–wouldn’t YOU take a good look at groups whose extreme members claim that the income tax is illegal and unconstitutional? It has nothing to do with Democratic/Republican politics, but it does have a lot to do with the politics of “No Taxation” which these groups tend to espouse. I’ll bet that Fox News wouldn’t look twice at singling out–oh, I don’t know, say, groups with names in ARABIC–but racial profiling is part of their thing.

None of these lances the fright-wing has thrust have made the slightest dent in Sir Barack’s armor — or honor. There ARE scandals (I am indebted to an article that I can’t find right now for this) that should have–the secret drone war, the killing of American citizens without due process–but these will never be blown up into proportion by Fox News because it LIKES those kinds of things. So instead, the Republican elephants are trumpeting over mice. ‘Nuff said.

I want to remind everyone that I will be at AnimeNext in Somerset, NJ the weekend of June 7-9 and Anime Mid-Atlantic in Chesapeake VA, June 14-16. I will be in Artist Alley in both and also giving panels on inking and planning your manga at Anime Mid-Atlantic. Please come and say hello!

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The “Obstacle Course” to Citizenship

The 'Former Wetback' Card

Illegal immigrants are certain to love the new obstacle course to citizenship.

We interviewed Senator Hogsweat from the Committee for Immigration Reform, the so-called Gang of Eight”, on the proposed “path to citizenship” for undocumented immigrants. “Well, first off, we prefer to call them illegal aliens. All this PC crap about them being simply undocumented isn’t what reform is about. Now I wanted to call them wetbacks, because that’s what they are, but it got voted down.

“You see, we don’t want even the whiff of amnesty about this program, nosireebob! So right away, starting from when they got her and having them apply for citizenship based on the number of years they’d been here illegally–even if they’d paid taxes–was nixed. Likewise, starting from zero based on when they registered for the new program and then following the normal five-year path to citizenship any Canadian would have to follow.

“Nope, these suckers have to be punished for wanting our American jobs and our American dream. So we figure, fine them, make them pay back taxes, make them wait 10 more years for a green card and then 3 MORE years to apply for a citizenship. Some of us wanted to add wearing arm bands that said “Beaner”, but we were told that a BLUE card would be sufficient. So we made dang sure it read, “Former Wetback”, so when you get to your Home Depot to find someone, make sure they have the blue card!

“Oh, and they must negotiate a physical obstacle course as well–gotta make sure they are actually capable of working! A few tires, jump over a burning ditch, climb a rope covered with slime, hand over hand across a rattlesnake pit, crawl under live ammo fire… A little humiliation is a good thing for these sp– errr Hispanics, dontcha think?

“This is all contingent, of course, on setting up a barb wire fence, ditch, hill, 20 foot wide wall and second barb wire fence along the whole Southern border, marked with signs saying “Keepo Outo!”

In other news, the fright wing is still trying to make a brouhaha out of Benghazi, threatening to snarl the government with another useless impeachment quest if they aren’t given their way.

And in FURTHER news, this cartoonist will be appearing at two conventions in June–Anime Next in Somerset, NJ, June 7-9, and Anime MidAtlantic in Chesapeake, VA, June 14-16. I’ll be in Artist Alley in both and will also be giving talks on manga-writing and cartoon inking at AMA. Please stop by if you’re at either convention!

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Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

Wayne LaPierre escapes from a straitjacket

Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)

(IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

“I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

“Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
Yours alwaysnever again,
Greg

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