Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

And Mitt Romney wins the Piled Higher and Deeper Award

Romney wins by using the Gish Gallop

He won the Golden Shovel all four years of high school

By now, everyone has already reviewed and reviewed the first debate ad nauseam. The insta-pundits, naturally, awarded the “win” to Mitt Romney because he looked so good while Obama looked like he was sleepwalking. Then the fact checkers weighed in to reveal that the only factual statement that Mitt Romney made was that he was Mitt Romney.

The Daily Kos made the amazing discovery that there is actually a name for the debating technique Mitt used. It’s called the Gish Gallop.

The Urban Dictionary provides this definition for the Gallop…

“Named for the debate tactic created by creationist shill Duane Gish, a Gish Gallop involves spewing so much bullshit in such a short span on that your opponent can’t address let alone counter all of it. To make matters worse a Gish Gallop will often have one or more ‘talking points’ that has a tiny core of truth to it, making the person rebutting it spend even more time debunking it in order to explain that, yes, it’s not totally false but the Galloper is distorting/misusing/misstating the actual situation. A true Gish Gallop generally has two traits.

“1) The factual and logical content of the Gish Gallop is pure bullshit and anybody knowledgeable and informed on the subject would recognize it as such almost instantly. That is, the Gish Gallop is designed to appeal to and deceive precisely those sorts of people who are most in need of honest factual education.

“2) The points are all ones that the Galloper either knows, or damn well should know, are totally bullshit. With the slimier users of the Gish Gallop, like Gish himself, its a near certainty that the points are chosen not just because the Galloper knows that they’re bullshit, but because the Galloper is deliberately trying to shovel as much bullshit into as small a space as possible in order to overwhelm his opponent with sheer volume and bamboozle any audience members with a facade of scholarly acumen and factual knowledge.”

Or as we used to say in high school debate circles, if you can’t convince them with the facts (because you don’t have any), baffle them with bullshit. Ahh, how many times I personally was awarded the Golden Shovel–that gold-spray-painted trophy emblazoned with the words: PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER.

Now this does not excuse the President from his piss-poor performance. He seemed to be in a different room where someone was actually making points that Romney wasn’t even talking about. Al Gore opined that the problem was the altitude in Denver. But perhaps it was the altitude of Obama’s discourse. He simply couldn’t BELIEVE that so much bull was being thrown in his direction so instead he took the high road…only it went to a different city.

Paul Ryan, of course, did not want to be debating Joe Biden, because all Paul Ryan can do is vomit numbers that don’t mean anything, whereas Joe, bless his pointy little head, actually knows a thing or two about policy. And Joe is a fighter. But then next week, we will be subjected to another Obama-Romney duel. You can bet Romney will lie his ass off in this next one too–let’s hope Barry has the sense to say that he’s the President of 100% of the people, not the 47% Romney claimed.

But enough of that. A MORE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. Friday, October 12 is MY BIRTHDAY. Yes, I will be too old to want to say what my age is. But being as so many people in my life have shared this birthday with me, my dad, my uncle Gene, a former girlfriend, and several others, I want to WISH a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all COLUMBUS DAY-ERS! We used to only get a day off for the birthday some of the time but now we get a day off for it all the time–and 3 out of 7 years on the right day too! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY my fellow October 12-ers.

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I’m Back (Ouch Ouch Ouch) Sort Of

Paul Ryan tells us Mitt Romney's tax plan is magic.

MAGIC!

I’m back again–more or less. At least my front is–my actual back has been on the verge of going out all weekend. I know that most people with bad backs get it in the lumbars so they can’t bend–MY back goes out in the thoracic vertebrae–one little spot where no matter how hard you twist or stretch, you can’t QUITE get it back in place. And like I said–on the verge. Not bad enough to hie me to the doctor, but not good enough to sit upright for long periods without being AWARE that this bone will soon be out of joint.

ANYHOW. We’re back for the final four weeks of this hoohah where the incumbent, Barry Obama, has been doing a fairly competent job piloting the boat despite half of Congress rowing the wrong way–that is, any way that is opposite to the way he’s pointing, even if that was the way they had pointed before. Chatsworth Osborne Junior, otherwise known as Mitt Romney, is running against him, simply because as the person with the most money in this high school, he thinks he ought to be student council president. And while we were on hiatus, he chose Paul Ryan, tax wonk who cannot add or subtract, to be the brains of the outfit.

Paul was asked to explain Mitt’s tax plan, which has been described previously as exactly like Paul’s but nothing like it. He responded this weekend that it was too complicated to explain, leading us to confirm that like most things in this world, Republicans expect the world to run on magic and wishful thinking. Hell, even HOGWART’s expects you to put a LITTLE effort into your spells (but of course, Hogwart’s would lose federal funding under a Republican administration since it is magickal and thus a creature of the anti-Christ.)

In the meantime, Intervention Con was last weekend and a great time was had by all. I premiered the second volume of my BLEACH parody, BLECCH PART DUH, to great fanfare and the parties were primo! Pictures from the con can be found in my Flickr album.

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And the Magic Word is: al-Qaeda

What? We're still fighting 'al-Qaeda' in Afghanistan?

Say the magic word and we can have troops there until doomsday.

“You Bet Your Life!” “Say the magic woid,” Groucho would say, but our answer today is, “and we can have troops anywhere until doomsday.”

President Obama made a surprise trip to Kabul the other week as part of his up-and-running campaign against the Mittster to emphasize that HE was the one to have success in our Middle Eastern snafu, that the troops supported him and–possibly an afterthought–shore up some agreements about our post-2014-withdrawal presence in Afghanistan. What? you say–we’re going to keep a presence in Afghanistan? You bet your bippy. We still have a “presence” in Italy, Germany and Japan, 67 years after the end of WWII, much to the dismay of the Japanese although, except for the Okinawans, nobody is saying it very loud.

So the issue is, how many troops will we keep in Afghanistan after we remove all our troops from Afghanistan? I bet you thought “removing all our troops” mean “removing all our troops”! How cute! Don’t you know? According to the President, we’re still fighting al-Qaeda in Afghanistan.

AHhhh, the magic word! Al-Qaeda! Everything is justified after 9-11 by the use of that name! It justifies almost 11 long hard years of wasting countless dollars and thousands of American lives–not to mention the 100s of thousands of Iraqi and Afghan lives–and is the ne plus ultra raison d’etre for this morass (and I do mean MORE ASS!).

Now you may argue that there’s really only two al-Qaeda operatives IN Afghanistan since almost all of the left for Pakistan. We don’t really know what we know about al-Qaeda levels–it’s one of Mr. Rumsfeld’s unknown knowns. But that’s the way we are. We can’t make war on an ally, so we do the next best thing and make war on their next-door neighbor to prove how tough we are. That doesn’t mean we can’t break the rule sovereignity by pulling an assassination raid in Pakistan to get rid of Osama bin Laden–al-Qaeda again justified it!

Now our friends on the Republican side of the aisle and Fox and Friends have been raising a stink lately (a year later) over whether or not Obama SHOULD have authorized a raid that THEY would have authorized in a New York minute but now have to be critical of since Obama led the charge. AND getting upset that Obama is “spiking the ball” for having accomplished it, forgetting that George W. Bush spiked the ball on first down before we’d gotten anywhere NEAR the endzone. But that’s the way it is. Remember, they were FOR killing Osama before they were against it!

The I Ching says the superior man’s actions are both good AND correct. Unfortunately, superior men seem to be in short supply in politics today.

I will be in the Philadelphia area next weekend for ZENKAIKON, specifically, the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center in Oaks, PA, May 11-12. I’ll be returning on Sunday, so I won’t be doing a cartoon next weekend, but will return on the 20th. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!

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Ted Nugent Now Down With The Secret Service? Did He Get Them A Discount?

The Secret Service asks for student discounts at a Cartagena brothel.

Obviously, their government discount didn't apply...

Before we go anywhere, we’d like to say Thank You to Jimmy Kimmel for saying something to the POTUS that he needed to hear. It’s one thing for the President to hear criticism on “the TV” where he can ignore it as background noise and another thing to burst through the bubble and say it to his face. With a demonstration. All those who’ve never smoked marijuana raise your hands, said Jimmy at the White House correspondent’s dinner. A few hands shot up and then sheepishly went back down when the owners of said hands realized that it wasn’t necessary to be an enthusiastic liar at this moment. Probably a lot of the people who didn’t raise their hands were trying to look cool (as in the “Of course, I’ve had anal sex” variety of cool), as well. But it was high time that President Obama realize that HIS youthful indiscretion was shared by the majority of the population. And that it was no longer necessary to “atone” for it by enthusiastic scrupulosity in applying the existing BAD laws. As one commentator noted, all that was needed to get around the Defense of Marriage law was to say, “Stop enforcing it.” Why can’t Obama do the same, at least for medical marijuana? Or was that another unspoken part of the deal with Big Pharma to lower their opposition to Health Care Reform? Anyhow, thanks Jimmy Kimmel.

Now on to the Secret Service. By now, we all know that 11 Secret Service agents hired 21 prostitutes in Cartagena and got into trouble by trying to “stiff” a particularly high-priced lady. Umm, by not paying her fee. 11 agents, 21 pros. The question we’re all asking–which one of you guys couldn’t handle 2 girls?

The fact that PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL IN CARTAGENA seems to have been ignored by most of the coverage. We are outraged by the “sex scandal”. The more important part of the story is that these Secret Service boys were bragging about their jobs and relations with the President to a large group of women whose security clearances were probably flimsier than their nighties. Cheese and Weisswurst! Have we started drafting our POTUS’s bodyguard out of high school? Or isn’t there a “brain” requirement anymore?

If that is true, I have no doubt that Ted Nugent is down with the Service. Despite his inflammatory displays of guns at rallies, opining in 2007 “Obama’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun”, besides his recent displays of bravado (considering his claims of elaborate ruses to escape the Vietnam era draft). He says now that the Secret Service and him are good buddies now. Hopefully because they told him to STFU. But if their Cartagena exploits are any indication of their brain pan measurements, Ted Nugent might not be the arrogant lying loudmouth he acts like.

In other sex scandals, Ricky Santorum, being the Dick that he is, had his picture taken with Lindsay Lohan and is denying it. Oh, come on, now, Ricky. You don’t ALWAYS have to act like a prick with a stick up his rectum! On the other hand, maybe you do.

And finally, in other news, Mitt Romney gave us his solution to soaring college costs. Students should borrow the money from their parents. Why not? He did.

And that’s where it stands.

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Santorum: A Frothy Mix of Bad Theology and Worse Economics…

The Eight Beatitudes of Rick Sanctorum

Jesus would no doubt approve of Rick's updating of his message.

Since Rick Santorum thinks that the United States is a theocracy instead of a democracy and that President Obama is unqualified to lead it because he has the wrong “theology,” we thought it would be instructive to review the Eight Beatitudes of the Sermon on the Mount, as re-written according to RICK’S theology. Further, we wish to start a fund to send Rick a lifetime supply of ipecac to aid in his digestive problem since the constitutional separation of church and state seems to make him ill. We’ll all need some if he manages to foist his theology on us…

Blessed are the uneducated, for you can’t wash an unused brain.
Blessed are the blah people, for they won’t get food stamps (I didn’t say black!).
Blessed are the rich, for they shall have even more money than you do.
Blessed are the K Street lobbyists, for they shall get what they paid for.
Blessed are the women who have been raped, for they are bearing a special gift from God.
Blessed are the gays, for I’m going to get back at them for that frothy crack. (Umm, did I say that right?)
Blessed are the impoverished sick, for that’s all the help they’ll get from me.
Blessed are the soldiers, for they will soon be spreading Christianity in Iran.

A special thanks to Fred and Bert Squirrel, who recorded his blathering while gathering some … nuts.

I had a great time at Katsucon last weekend. Thanks to Kevin who helped me at the table (after my adventures in oral surgery the week before, I really wasn’t up to running an artist alley table all by my lonesome) and to Kristen who also pitched in at some crucial moments. A further thanks to everyone who stopped by my table and admired my art–with a double helping for those who actually bought something :) And shouts to all the friends I saw, Murder Nurse, T, Tala, Charlene, Jasmine, Alicia, Peter and all my other friends who have their own tables! I’ll be posting my con schedule for the rest of the year as soon as I get a few more confirmations.

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