Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

The REAL War on Christmas

“Enough of that UN-mandated Socialistical ramp--here, your old crutch will be in better keeping with your home schooling...”

If you think this doesn't make any sense, join the club...

Bill O’Reilly and the Faux News crowd are in the middle of their annual War On The War Against Christmas, dredging up every incident of Happy Holiday-ism they can find in an effort to show how anti-Christmas America has become. Bill also argued that Christianity isn’t a religion, but a philosophy. Not to say that a good Catholic boy like O’Reilly has a fundamental misunderstanding of either Christmas or Christianity, let’s take his statements at face value for a moment.

As the Spirit of Christmas Present says to Scrooge (in the Alastair Sim movie but not the book), “We Spirits of Christmas do not live but one day a year, we live the entire 365.” And what is that “spirit of Christmas”? Buying gifts? Setting up Nativity scenes? Randy office parties? Santa Claus? No, the true Christmas spirit is “Peace on earth, good will towards men.” It means not going to war unless you really have to. It means giving to those less fortunate. It means going the extra mile for your fellow man. Not just in December, but all January through November as well. Above all, it means ANYTHING but paying attention to Ayn Rand.

That’s the Christian philosophy in a nutshell, Bill. And your cohorts, the Republicans in the Senate, showed just how much true Christmas spirit they had when they turned down the UN treaty on the disabled. Never mind that John McCain endorsed it, George H. W. Bush endorsed it, Bob Dole was wheeled in from his deathbed (as Jon Stewart put it) to endorse it. Never mind that it was based on OUR OWN LAWS. The Republican bloc but a handful voted it down because it raised serious concerns about our sovereignty (all treaties do–that’s part of the reason we have them), it was a socialist plot from the hated UN, it was an attack on home schooling according to Paul Ryan, the idiot we were spared from having as Vice President a few weeks ago. But above all, because Barack Obama wanted it.

Nice going, guys–maybe you’d like a chance to repeal our own disability laws now. After all, building ramps might cut into corporate profits.

Oh. And Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukah to all our Jewish friends (as they say on the news). We will be taking our winter hiatus after our annual HOLIDAY card next week.

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How the GinGrinch Wants to Steal Christmas

Newt Gingrich wants to turn back the clock to the 18th century...

Where's Tiny Tim? I need to kick something...

We’ve been continuing with this marathon of Republican “debates” for what seems like decades now. The strategy of holding SO MANY debates is that it will give Americans–bless their pointy little heads–the idea that these are actually the PRESIDENTIAL debates. After all, these things must be important if they’re having so many of them. The Democrats, especially that socialist atheist Muslim godless commie in the White House, don’t get the chance for a rebuttal, because these are just Republicans arguing with each other. And with the same things being said over and over, it’s kind of a brainwashing to get people to think that what these clowns are saying is actually serious.

After all, the points of disagreement are very few and usually questions of degree–except for anything Ron Paul has to say, which will usually be ignored if not reported derisively–imagine, not wasting billions of dollars every day in the Middle East–the man’s a lunatic! I’m not sure these can actually even be called debates–they’re more a kind of an “I’m a bigger jagoff than you are” contest. Rick Perry seemed to have had that one sewn up with his record for executions of possibly innocent men, forgetting what agencies he wanted to eliminate, how everyone should carry concealed weapons in case they have to sneak up on a coyote, and otherwise general doofusness that made W seem like a wild-eyed intellectual in comparison. But Herman Cain took the lead with his 9-9-9 plan stolen from SIM CITY, plans to electrocute Mexicans if they tried to climb over the border fence and inability to name countries where we have dark ops. And when “the ladies” got the pizza delivery guy to back out of the house, he cemented his place in history by quoting Pokemon as an inspiration. Sigh–we’re going to miss you, Herman.

Now when all this was happening, the Newt decided he needed to get in their with something even more asshole than the rest of them. And he certainly came up with one. ABOLISH CHILD LABOR LAWS. That’s the spirit, Newt! Why stop at turning the clock back to the 1920s when you can turn it back to the 1820s!

Everyone was naturally appalled that he should suggest such a thing–since, after all, child labor laws are generally seen as one of the GOOD things of 19th century liberalism–you know, like abolishing slavery? Newt’s brainstorm seems to have been based on the idea that kids could work in schools as janitors since ANYONE can push a broom, run a floor waxing machine, fix a furnace, clean up after sick kids and then repair the plumbing–which once again goes to prove that Newt never did an honest day’s work in his entire life since he obviously has no idea how much hard work there is and how much know-how actually goes into a custodial job.

No, Newt was simply trying to out-outrageous the then-reigning king, Mr. Cain for jagoff plans. But one objection that nobody made was–WTF? you want to expand the workforce at a time when we’ve had near 10% unemployment for three whole years? When 1/6 of all Americans are either un-or-under-employed? How the f**k ever did you get a head THAT BIG up your butthole? It must be an awfully big butthole…

Why stop at child labor tho? Why don’t we bring back debtor’s prisons? You know, make it a federal offense to, say, walk away from an underwater mortgage–or fail to pay credit card bills? Now that would REALLY be the ticket! And as we fast approach that season of the rolling year when want is most keenly felt, let’s put that suggestion into context–Are there no prisons? And the Union Workhouses–they are still in operation? The Treadmill and the Poor Law, they are still working at full vigor? A merry Christmas? BAH! HUMBUG! Forget Scrooge–Newt is the Gingrinch!

And with Mitt Romney betting $10,000 just to prove that he has more money than God, it looks like the Grinch will steal the Republican nomination. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

We’re gonna need it.

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Next–Debtor Prisons for Christmas?

Ah--the 53% speak--don't pay any attention to the guy with his hand up their...

Ah--the 53% speak--don't pay any attention to the guy with his hand up their...

Normally, I’d devote today’s cartoon to a Hallowe’en theme, but frankly, I’m not in the mood. I’ve just had another disastrous car repair bill–on top of more bills, bills, bills than you can shake a stick at. The car’s still at the shop–so I haven’t bought a pumpkin to carve. And yesterday, I managed to lose $50 … in the HOUSE. For the next 12 hours, I couldn’t find it and when I did, it was sitting right out in the open on the bed, where it was conveniently camouflaged by matching the colors on the bedspread. So instead, that gave me plenty of time to read about the latest Republican IDIOCY that they’re hoping will make sense to the yahoos.

The 53%. Ahhh, catchy name! That should make everyone forget about the 99%ers all right. Seems they now want everyone to get mad at all those people who don’t pay ANY income taxes. No, not the huge corporations and multi-billionaires who get REBATES from the government. They want you to get mad at the people who don’t pay any taxes BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE A JOB! Or who have one that pays just enough to make KETCHUP PACKET SOUP! How unfair! The Freeloaders! Make them pony up! Yes, sir! That will solve our deficit problem! This latest piece of lunacy is right up there with “Cutting Taxes Raises Revenues” and “Cutting Spending Creates Jobs.”

Now, please, I’m not blaming the 1% for not paying enough taxes. They’re paying what we tell them to. And a lot of the 1 percenters know damn well they’re not being taxed enough and ought to be asked to contribute more. But we’re not going to do it, not as long as there is an obstructing minority who believe that Scrooge’s ideas of how to treat the poor in the first few pages of A Christmas Carol are a F@#$%^& GOOD IDEA! Debtor Prisons! Workhouses for the Destitute! Let’s grind them down with our heels because they deserve it for not having the gumption to inherit their money like we did!

These people claim to love America. They just don’t like AMERICANS. Americans ought to be another exploitable resource and if they want jobs, they ought to be competitive with the Indians and Chinese who we can get to work for pennies a day.

So you see, I’m not really in the Hallowe’en spirit. But I’m getting closer and closer to the Guy Fawkes one. Hey, it’s better than Michael Myers :D

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