Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Don’t Touch My Junk Rap…

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Fred’n'Bert decided that it’s been too long since they’ve done any music so they took the occasion of TSA’s latest idiocy in the fruitless attempt to keep us safe from our own shadows. Don’t they realize the only way the airlines will be 100% safe from terrorists if nobody’s flying? Hmmmm, maybe that’s part of the plan–remove geographical mobility–serfdom, here we come!

Anyway, I could only fit PART of the rap in the cartoon, so for the benefit of Search Engine visibility, the extended version is presented here in text:

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!

Welcome, America to Nazi Germany lite.
We turned into you without much of a fight.
Nine-eleven is what brought us down to our knees.
“Save us, we’ll give up all our liberties!”

Tap our phones–What have you got to hide?
Protest and you are on the terrorist’s side!
A fence between us and Mexico?
Little kids at Guantanamo!
Torturing suspects in Iraq
Hey, waterboarding keeps us safe from attack.

Get on a plane? Take off your belt,
take off your shoes, now prepare to get Felt
Up, Groped Up, Fondled Up, Pissed Up, Shut up!
Don’t make any noise, we’ll call over our boys!
This is just the latest thing in travelin’ joys!

Little old ladies, nine-year old kids,
Colostomy bag? God forbid!
You might be using it to bring some explosive shit—
Better empty it out or be declared unfit.

We must be safe—one hundred percent.
No that’s not enough, a hundred-ten percent!
No matter what we think we have prevented
The terrorists will come up with a plan to circumvent it!

You want privacy? Better fly first class—
You won’t be finding one of them get probed in the ass!
We understand the need to be cautious,
but this kind of thing just makes me nauseous!

Don’t tell us that you understand our frustrations,
President Obama, just stop these violations.
The 4th amendment protects our rights
from unlawful search but not on air flights?
It’s time we stopped acting scared and paranoid—
The terrorists have won: Freedom’s null and void!

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
DON’T TASE ME BRO!

Seriously, President O, if you think it’s just frustration, then you don’t get it. It’s a physical, mental, emotional and illegal violation of our persons and that’s what everyone’s upset about. We can never BE 100% safe from everything. More people die in traffic accidents in a couple of weeks than all the people in terrorist attacks for the last 9 years. There’s a better chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a terrorist attack. None of these extraordinary measures have stopped any terrorist attacks. It’s always been some observant person who’s seen something strange going on that stops them. It’s time to stop acting like Chicken Little or people WILL stop using the airlines unless they have to.

At least that will be good for the trains.

Anime USA 2010 pictures up on my Flickr account.

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Happy New Year … it should be better than the Old one?

Sexbot actual purpose: conversation--'We need to talk. Sometimes I feel you don't respect me as a person...'

When she decides they need time apart, her programming says, "Don't be upset, it's not you--it's me"

Happy New Year–Happy New Decade! Good Riddance to the Old one(s)! What a pile of manure the new century has turned out to be so far (as Bess Truman said to the people who complained about Harry saying “you need some ‘manure’ on these roses”, “What? It took me 25 years to get him to say THAT!”) Let’s start things off right with a really funny but hard-hitting cartoon. What’s been happening?
Hmmm, we’re still talking about the airliner bomb FAIL, the security FAIL and the “no intention of invading–I mean, sending troops to Yemen” (I hope) not-yet FAIL. That’s two weeks old and I posted an oldie-but-goodie over Christmas to cover it. Timmy Geithner and his magic “shhhh-let’s keep this a secret” emails? Not funny enough, that can wait for Thursday. Health Care? SOOoooo last year! Besides they’re hashing it out behind closed doors, contra Obama’s promise that it will be televised on C-SPAN. Transparency is becoming more opaque every day. What else?
All righty then, let’s check and see if Lindsay Lohan is having a meltdown. Oh wow, Lindsay had to fly–COMMERCIAL! How sad. Casey Johnson died–who was she again? Some rich heiress who was Tila Tequila’s ‘wifey’? Whose biggest claim to fame previously was turning down Paris Hilton’s offer to start a TV program called “The Simple Life”? And who’s Tila Tequila again? Let’s call this one too sad for SO MANY reasons and decide not to start off the new decade with such a bummer!
AH-HAH! I have it–someone’s exhibiting a sexbot at the Vegas Adult Entertainment Expo! Now there’s something you could get your teeth into! errrrrrr… Oh, she’s not REALLY a sexbot. Inventor Douglas Hines says “The sex robot thing is marketing – it’s really about making a companion.” Um-hum…sure. Well, not in its present state, she can’t even walk yet–has to be carted around in a wheel chair so far. And she kind of has the expression of the girl in the bar who’s had one too many when you passed that marker two hours ago. Actually from her rather limited set of capabilities, she looks like a “stripped-down” version of Aiko, the “not a sex bot” gynoid that Le Trung is making up in Canada. Although designed to eventually service as a maid, (Everybody ought to have a maid…) Aiko’s name is actually a Japanese word meaning “love child,” and she looks a heckuva lot more sophisticated than Roxxxy, the new robot, tho not as realistic as the computer generated photos from RealDolls (bet the real dolls don’t look half as good), life-sized dolls that are actually SUPPOSED to be sexbots. Oh, brave new world…
Anyway, since Roxxxy is actually supposed to have conversations like a real woman, I thought I’d give my take on one of the many discussions that might come up. Happy New Year :)

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Airline Security–A Prediction from 2006

Boarding a flight 2010--making sure all coach passengers strip down, check their clothes and submit to a cavity search before boarding

Naturally, first- and business classes will not be subjected to these new restrictions since terrorists only fly coach

Although I’m taking a much needed break, I could not help but reprint an old Hail Dubyus! number from 2006 which is suddenly again relevant. Airline passengers are again going to be made to suffer for the incompetence of airline and government security. There’s this guy, Umar Faruk Abdulmutallab…his father, Alhaji Umaru Mutallab, chairman of the First Bank of Nigeria, tells US that his son is an idiot and planning a suicide attack on an American flight. What happens? They let the guy ON THE PLANE. With the chemicals they were supposed to be screening for! Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says the system worked! Then she backtracked when it became apparent to her that if some brave soul, Jasper Schuringa, hadn’t tackled the guy, there would’ve been a puff of smoke where American Airlines Flight 253 used to be. Because we can’t match terrorists to the stupid watch list! And who’s going to pay for this incompetency? Why you and me, because they’re going to make boarding a plane so onerous with so many useless security procedures that only terrorists will want to fly! Oh and CEOs, bankers, and celebrities–they won’t have to get searched. Why would they want to blow up a plane–like the son of the chairman of the First Bank of Nigeria? Get on board, son, we know YOU won’t do anything!
Happy New Year Everyone!

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Tipping Encouraged–Have a Safe Flight…

Have a nice day and thank you for flying Air Air--Suggested Gratuity 15%

In an unprecedented development, Air Air--the most trusted name in air--has decided to allow pilots and crew to collect gratuities from the passengers...

(SNN) WASHINGTON DC–In an unprecedented development, airline AIR AIR–the most trusted name in air–is allowing pilots and crew to collect gratuities from passengers. This decision follows quickly in the wake of Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s testimony to Congress describing his loss of pension and cuts in pay after airlines were given a free hand by the Bush administration after 9/11 to do anything short of cutting executive salaries and bonuses to avoid bankruptcy. Sullenberger is the pilot who had to ditch his Airbus 320 into the Hudson River after Canadian terrorists sent a flock of suicide geese into the Airbus flight path, fouling the engines and dying while honking “O Canada!” No other lives were lost as Sullenberger glided the aircraft into the Hudson River and each passenger was given the bird by the airline for Christmas dinner.
Last February, Sullenberger’s copilot Jeff Skiles also testified that low pay and torturous working hours were forcing airlines to hire pilots before they had finished flying school. More recently, Michael Moore’s new film Capitalism: A Love Story contains interviews with pilots who were forced to enroll for food stamps and take extra jobs to make ends meet. Congressmen who weren’t twittering during Sullenberger’s testimony harrumphed a good deal and threatened to think about doing something. “Who wants to fly with a pilot who has to work 24 hours a day just to make ends meet? I wouldn’t want to fly with any pilot who hasn’t gotten at least 4 hours of sleep,” an anonymous Congressional source told us.
Air Air touted its new policy as directed towards passenger safety concerns. “Passengers may now take responsibility for their own welfare,” Air Air’s representative, who asked to remain anonymous, told us. “The more they give pilots and other crew, the less staff will need to take on extra jobs. We see this as empowering passengers by making them a part of the flight team through their contributions. Naturally, first class and business class travelers will be exempt from the need to “tip”. We suggest 15% plus two dollars a bag. Gratuities may also be left at the airport to ensure air traffic controllers take notice of your flight. These gratuities should be paid in small bills rather than credit cards to avoid a paper trail.”
Sullenberger’s book, Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters, co-authored by Jeffrey Zaslow, is available in bookstores this month.

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