Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Barrie Antoinette: “Let Them Eat Catfood…”

L'Ancien Régime. "Let them eat catfood."

"Life Among the Nobililty: The Swing" by Gregonard...

Well, Barrie Antoinette–excuse me, President Barry Obama, delivered his proposal for a budget and yes, indeed-y, there was the much hated-by-the-constituency-but-loved-by-Wall-Street “chained CPI”. According to one writer, Barry has called the Republican bluff–they have said they will brook no tax increases unless something is done about “entitlements”–you know, the money you’re entitled to because, well, you GAVE it to the Fed to invest throughout your working career! Well, the Prez has proposed chained CPI–the cost of living mal-adjustment that assumes that if you can’t afford steak, you’ll buy chicken and everything is still jake. Or if you can’t afford Chicken of the Sea, you’ll buy canned skipjack mackerel. And if you can’t afford canned mackerel, you’ll just go to Friskies.

The theory is that the Republicans will be so scared of losing their seats that they will do anything to avoid agreeing to this proposal. Except for one thing–who’s REALLY gonna get the blame for this? Why, the guy who proposed it, of course. President Obama. You know, the guy who DOESN’T HAVE TO RUN FOR ELECTION AGAIN?

Why all this “save Social Security” nonsense when it is solvent for the next 30 years? Why all this “entitlement reform” bullshit when Social Security has nothing to do with the budget? For that, we have to go back eight years (and actually more) to when President BUSH proposed “privatizing Social Security.” That’s right, this one has a long history–and the reason for privatizing SS was? So the money boys, the banks, the oligarchy, the plutocracy, could get their hands on that money and drain it from our senior citizens faster than any drug addict by stealing your Grandma’s Social Security check.

But wait–how does the chained CPI do THAT? Remember back then–the seniors, the AARP, everybody and their brother decided that the cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) was good enough to keep them going so please do not do us the favor of letting us make bad investments, please. So the money boys–whom Barack Obama is as beholden to as any Republican, any blue dog Democrat, hell, almost every “progressive” Democrat as well–said to themselves, “If the COLA is good enough, then let’s screw the COLA. Then they’ll be clamoring to let us invest the money for them.”

And that, kiddies, is how the sky turned blue. So remember, when Grandma, when Ma and Pa, when YOU start having to eat catfood, it wasn’t just Congress, it wasn’t just Obama…

It was the banks, too big to fail, too big to jail, who wanted your money.

“Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé!”

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Portman Switches Chained CPI Stance: “I just found out my parents are old!”

Grandpa says, 'It's MY turn for the Fancy Feast.'

On the table again--tip--invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive--that's right, they make most of the cat food

Senator Rob Portman has announced that he no longer supports chained CPI as a means of saving Social Security. Ohio’s junior senator said that his change of heart came from a personal discovery.

“I found out over the weekend,” Portman explained, “that my parents are old. I did not realize that they were on Social Security.”

Portman recently changed his stance on gay marriage about a year after his son came out. “I would have changed my stance sooner, but I had been hoping that Mitt Romney would tap me for his VP running mate. Fat chance–that asshole suggested we send my son to Tuvalu until the election was over. Tuvalu? That place is under 2 feet of water these days!”

“I always believed that all old people had socked it away and were taken endless Royal Caribbean cruises in their twilight years. And then when they couldn’t get on the boats anymore without vomiting, it was the fiscally responsible thing for their children to loot their bank accounts and put them into a home so they’d be covered 100% by Medicare and Medicaid.”

“But the parent-child relationship doesn’t exist for most Republicans. After mating, the female lays 1000 eggs and after spawning, the young eat each other to ensure survival of the greediest. They never know their mother, let alone who their father is. What happens to the mating pair with no children to put them into the nursing home? They’re left to fend for themselves. And I’ve seen a recently made study that shows that at the present rate of inflation, the price of filet mignon today will be the price of Companion cat food in five years time.”

Senator Portman added, “If this passes, I’d invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive. Pet food stocks are sure to go through the roof.”
_________

Too late to do anything with: Run on the banks in Cyprus over the weekend? Only seeing news about it now that the European stocks have been affected? Tut-tut, America, that’s a little country–it’ll never happen here…

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The Officer was confused–he thought he was in Oakland, Not DC

A DC policeman apologizes for the finish being ruined after a man runs over a pedestrian in his LexusThe Republican Party continues its search for the dumbest candidate that isn’t Mitt Romney–who unfortunately seems to have demonstrated a few brains back when he was governor of Massachusetts, for which the Tea Party refuses to forgive him. Now, of course, the emphasis has shifted to how dumb the constituency is as we try to determine how many people actually believe Herman Cain. Herman, of course, wants everyone to believe that he never sexually harassed those three women–maybe four or five by next week. That’s not the stupid part–the stupid part is that he wants people to take his word for it. “Trust me,” he says. “Trust my wife–she was so upset about the allegations that she can’t come on the TV and tell you how upset she was about the allegations.”

I have no doubt that that’s good enough for some people. After all, lots of people thought that Hermie’s 9-9-9 plan made a lot of sense–especially those whose tax rates would have dropped. And most of them didn’t know who the president of U-beki-beki-beki-beki-(do I have the right number of beki’s?)-stan-stan is either. They also believed that the harassment allegations against Arnold Schwarzeneger were just a lot of hot air too. Cute kid your housekeeper has, Ahnold–kinda looks like you.

But the more important news is in banking. Seems Bank of America decided to relent on its avaricious move to charge a monthly fee for debit cards and the other megabanks are following suit. They and the media are surprised that Occupy Wall Street is still continuing–hey, wasn’t THAT what they wanted? On the other hand, Wells Fargo, candidate for the most evil bank in existence, has decided to open a NEW bank for the super-rich…something called Abbot Downing, named after the church official most likely to have his hand in the till: “The abbey keeps getting these donations and the monks can’t use it, so …” You can bet THEY’RE not getting 0.5% interest on their savings.

Police in various cities have started more repressive measures against the Occupy groups, bolstered by anonymous sources claiming that they are using and selling drugs, having illicit sex, holding cookouts and entertaining substantial rodent populations. In DC over the weekend, a guy in a Lexus struck several protesters whom he claimed had dived in front of his car, so the police let him go without a ticket. The police gave citations to the protesters who’d been taken to the hospital for injuries and then tried to explain the incident as “Drunk Diving.” Without having taken statements from the injured protesters. Obviously, the DC metros think they’re in Oakland. When asked if the motorist had the right to run into protesters, the police spokesman was ummm spokeless. He couldn’t say that guys in Lexuses have more credibility than the people they’d run over, now could he?

Thank God, the finish wasn’t damaged!

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