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Adobe to Add Artificial Intelligence to Photoshop

AFTER SEEING WHAT RALPH LAUREN DOES WITH IT, WE FIGURED WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING!

A catwalk model walks down the runway, turns sideways and partially disappears, only to reappear when she walks back.

Ralph Lauren's Preferred Model

(SNN) SAN JOSE, CA–Adobe Systems announced today that the next version of Photoshop would include an artificial intelligence (AI) capability. A spokesman explained, “We originally designed Photoshop to include a vast range of capabilities so as to allow the creativity of artists unfettered expression of their visions. Recently, however, we have discovered that some artists have used these capabilities for extraordinary tastelessness, particularly in the area of fashion modeling. Consequently, we are adding an AI engine to moderate the use of some of Photoshop’s functions, for example, in fractional horizontal scaling. It will operate something on the order of Microsoft’s Nanny messages. When PS detects that a female model is being scaled to a sub-anorexic image, the AI will activate and ask the designer, ‘Are you sure?’”
Ralph Lauren recently made the news by photoshopping a model to resemble a lollipop with clothes. The model, Filippa Hamilton, a size 4, earned Lauren’s ire for being too fat in his estimation and was fired. Lauren’s insistence on wire shaped models has not been limited to the realm of photography, but includes his runway models as well. In a related incident, another model, Ima Throwuppamylunch, whom Lauren was grooming as his next supermodel, fell through a dimensional portal when she turned sideways too fast on a catwalk and disappeared from three-dimensional space. Physicists have been trying to pull her back from the two-dimensional void, but efforts have proved fruitless since the model does not have enough mass for three-dimensional instruments to take hold. The Organization for Normal Sized Women, known by its slogan “Size Ten and Proud” (STAP) issued the following statement: “Women have been subjected to more and more unrealistic expectations about their bodies to an unprecedented degree by designers. When men and women both realize that the Barbie doll represents a ridiculous caricature of the female physique, perhaps horrible tragedies like this last incident can be avoided.”
A Mattel spokesman countered: “Barbie would never fall into a dimensional void–her boobs are too big.”


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SPECIAL EDITION SHOCKER: POPE CANONIZES BARACK OBAMA

Pope Benedict announces the shocking pre-decease canonization of Barack Obama!

Let's all put our hands together for the new saint!

(SNN) ROME– In an incredible followup to this morning’s announcement of Barack Obama’s Nobel Prize, Pope Benedict conferred canonization upon him as well. “Today, Divine Wisdom allows us to gather around his altar with praise and thanksgiving for the grace granted to us in the canonization of President Barack Obama,” said the pontiff. The pope addressed the unusual circumstances of this elevation: “While Barack Obama has not yet performed the requisite three miracles, he has offered the world hope after the idiocy of his predecessor. He has furthermore shown so much promise that we cannot believe but that an abundance of miracles will flow.” While saints usually come from within the Catholic faith, the Pope said, “The consecration of someone who may have once been a Muslim and even now is only a Protestant heretic is a sign of the ecumenism that the Church is supposed to show.” Pope Benedict continued, “The canonization of one who isn’t dead yet demonstrates the commitment of the Church to modernization in its abandonment of mortuist prejudice.” The announcement was met with cries of “Possumus! Possumus!” Yes, we can in the ancient language of Rome.
The White House was unavailable for comment.

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