Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Abercrombie and Fitch–doing their bit for sex education

Mr. DImme sees the new Abercrombie Kids padded bikini tops advertised in a store window.

Maybe your older sister still has her Abercrombie Kids thong you can borrow!

They’ve done it again at Abercombie and Fitch–no, I’m not referring to the Asian Joke T-shirts of a couple of years ago, although, considering how much Japan was in the news a few weeks ago, Abercrombie’d probably think they’d be deluged with orders! But perhaps the timing isn”t that good–Japan isn’t in the headlines that much anymore, so things must be hunky-dory over there by now–after all, the excess radiation levels WEREN’T 10,000,000 times normal, only 100,000. Better just hire Gilbert Gottfried on retainer and wait for things to really get bad!

No, what I’m referring to is the new padded bikini top for Abercombie Kids. Padded Bikini Tops for Tweens! Just what we needed. If we were a nation of PERVS! But perhaps I’m being harsh on the pervs–pedophiles like children WITHOUT boobies–this kind of thing could only help to protect little girls! Consider buying one for your boys too! Maybe big sis still has one of her Abercrombie Kids thongs from a few years ago and we can plan a Brazilian Carnaval party for grade school graduation!

But perhaps I’m being a bit hard on Abercrombie. After all, they might be just responding to the demands of the free market. I don’t have any kids myself, but I see all these articles about how kids are being sexualized by movies, TV, videogames and advertising. After all, if Hannah Montana can pose naked for Annie Liebovitz–coyly covered by a bed sheet–after all, it was OK for a 16 year old to be naked in bed–it must be OK! And boy, won’t these middle-schoolers having oral sex be sexual athletes by the time they’re legal! That can only lead to greater happiness for them as adults–if they get rid of those pesky STDs they picked up in high school!

These articles on sexualization generally deride how kids are being robbed of their childhoods, without taking into consideration that once the plumbing starts working, you have a natural tendency to turn on the faucet. The crime is that so many of these kids are entering into the adult sphere with no knowledge of how the plumbing works. Sex education is still rudimentary in many places and completely taboo in others. Better for them to experiment without knowing what a condom is, or for even being able to get one legally! And forget about getting ill-advised pregnancies taken care of, except in cases of rape, incest, or danger–but only after a three-day cooling off period and getting counseling! After all, knocked up teens are our best way of swelling the economic underclass we need for our post “Great Recession” economy!

So let’s thank Abercrombie for their courage in helping to drive the age of sexual initiation downwards. I know several people who’d love to work in their design department for new products. They can probably get them cheap in an “outside work” program–since they’re all in jail!

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Oh, We Were Just Trying To Find Stolen Laptops–SURRRRRRRRRRE!

School administrators are spying on kids with school-issued laptops.

It's a wonder the kids haven't been charged with child pornography--oh wait, that already happened.

While there are so many more important things going on in the world, like earthquakes, tsunamis and killer storm systems, not to mention Hall of Famer Jim Bunning singlehandedly delaying unemployment extensions during “The Great Recession”, it may seem trivial to pay attention to Pennsylvania and New York school administrators spying on kids through school-issued laptops. After all, like priests, these school principals and teachers ONLY have the students’ best interests at heart. They were merely trying to gain clues to the whereabouts of missing computers. And what about kids using drugs? Isn’t it better that school administrators be able to monitor their charges to possibly prevent them from dangerous dependencies and lives of crime? And of course, there’s the old bugbear of underage sex! Don’t you want your kids protected from … THAT?

There’s the old adage, you have nothing to fear from surveillance if you have nothing to hide which has always been used as the rationale behind the secret polices of authoritarian regimes. But, everyone has something to hide, even if it’s just their youthful bodies from the stares of pervy elders. Even in the relatively free United States, we are used to treating kids as if they had no rights. Parents, school teachers, clergy, police, all act as if kids had no right to privacy–unless there’s a reason to charge someone ELSE with the crime. But the ability of these school admins to invade the privacy of these kids while they’re not in school, in their homes, and the glee with which these pervs have boasted about being able to do it, astonishes me to no end.

As I said, we often treat kids as if they have no right to privacy. Kids regularly are subject to searches at schools–for their own protection–their Facebook pages are scrutinized, and now they cannot even change their clothes in their own rooms without the fear of some asshole spying at them through the computer the school system issued them for use in schoolwork. Just this year, some youngster was charged with child pornography for sending sexy photos of herself to her boyfriend. I wonder just how many of these computers have been used to gather pictures of students in revealing situations in the so-called privacy of their own homes? You can bet that if some admins are using the computers to spy on whether kids are using drugs, others of them are collecting pictures and videos of kids while they’re naked–or masturbating–or having sex–and using these stolen moments for their own perverted pleasures.

I am disgusted. If kids don’t have any privacy, what about the rest of us?

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