Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

If the Africans Brought to America Had Been Given Guns…

Little Johnny goes to school, guns a-blazing

You should see the family going to church on Sunday...

Congratulations President Obama on the start of your second term. The first piece of advice I will give you for you to ignore is: Don’t negotiate with terrorists–stand your ground on the debt ceiling!

I pretty much ignored the Newton massacre before the end of last year–although I had plenty of ideas that my better half pronounced, “TOO SOON!” Fortunately, plenty of people–most of whom have guns–have kept the story alive–by their IDIOCY! It took several days before the NRA had gotten its collective head out of its nether orifice far enough to respond. The answer to gun violence in schools? MORE GUNS! Set up armed guards in every school building and school yard. I’m surprised David Keene didn’t add issuing kevlar vests to every student and teacher–perhaps because in Newton since the killer shot almost everyone execution style. But it’s definitely a thought.

It has been suggested before that teachers and principals be issued sidearms to keep the peace at the frontier–AKA nursery, grade, middle and high school. There’s some justification to this with kids being given handguns to come to class for safety. After all, the teachers should be allowed to return fire. You might argue that it would take far too long and cost far too much to train teachers how to handle a shootin’ iron. Nonsense, just sit them down for one of the AMC John Wayne/Clint Eastwood marathons and they’ll be ready! At least as ready as the three gun experts who managed to shoot themselves and a few other people by accident at gun shows this past weekend!

Larry Ward, founder of Gun Appreciation Day, held on the 19th, has persuasively argued that holding it just before Martin Luther King Jr. Day is something that Dr. King would have approved, if he hadn’t been assassinated. After all, if the African immigrants to America had been given the right to bear arms, there might not have been slavery. I’m sure the labor entrepeneurs who brought them over would have been happy to provide them with musket, balls and powder. And I do mean balls.

Now let me see. Armed guards are needed in schools. Guns are allowed in several state legislatures, but they already have armed guards. Several states allow guns in saloons–we’ll need armed guards there–and churches too. My question is, “Who’s going to pay for all these armed guards?” I’ve asked my local tea partiers who loudly said, “Not ME! You’d have to raise taxes to pay all those armed guards!” Well, there’s just one solution, which will appeal to the business owning crowd, I’m sure. Privatize the police forces! It only makes sense–people who don’t have any property don’t need it protected! Open up police services to be bought by the lowest bidder and allow private citizens to pay a yearly fee for police protection.

Now we don’t want to completely take protection away from people who can’t afford a yearly contract. They can obtain police services on a per incident basis at a modest rate. All major credit cards and Paypal accepted. Yessirree Bob! I’m sure that will be the most equitable solution. Just what the Founding Fathers envisioned!

Don’t forget to pack heat with lunch, dearees!

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Didn’t any of these guys read any dystopian sci-fi when they were kids?

I knew that family that moved in down the street looked suspicious.

I certainly hope they aren't "next-door" neighbors!

You gotta wonder what politicians did when they were kids, sometimes. I’m starting to question whether or not any of them had a real childhood. You know, playing games for fun, reading science fiction, watching television. I’m starting to think that they all led this incredibly dedicated existence, meeting other kids of important people for power play sessions, joining the teams and clubs that would be useful to say they belonged to later on when they became adults.

I say this because of the incredible vacuum that seems to exist in the “real consequences” portions of their brains. OK, we got hit by a terrible terrorist attack back in 2001. So what did we do? Well, how about “becoming the biggest terrorist organization in the world.” What, us, terrorists? Think about it. If we don’t like you, we’ll invade you, overthrow your government, see that its leaders are permanently out of the picture and wait around until “you” create a government more to our liking. Now if that isn’t scary. Heck, if we don’t like our FRIENDS, we’ll rename fast foods to eliminate their names from our menus!

Now, you could argue that we are the good guys and, therefore, any heavy-handed actions on our part are justified. And that seems to be what our argument is with these anti-terrorist drones. If you’re on the “kill list”, better watch out. One day, you could be sitting on the toilet, reading a newspaper, minding your own business and then WHAM! Wiping is no longer one of your options! You could literally kiss your ass good-bye, if you had time to pucker up when it flew past you.

So the question of collateral damage comes up. What about innocent people who just happen to be in the blast radius? As one commentator mentioned, it’s a “Catch-22″ response. If you’re a male of military age living in proximity to a terrorist, why, you must be one yourself! Simple logic. Better not be the mailman or garbage collector. Or any stray women or children. Do you see a moral slippery slope?

Now, none of our weapons have ever been completely fool-proof. There are thousands of unexploded bombs littering the Iraqi landscape. All that has to happen is for one of these drones NOT to explode and guess what? The TERRORISTS have our technology! Hell, we don’t even have to worry about that, one of our patriotic corporations will sooner or later sell the technology to the highest bidder. Maybe one of our trustworthy friends. Like Pakistan.

Now who’s the next-door neighbor?

Anyone out there remember the Star Trek episode where there was an eternal war between two planets? But there’s no sign of any battles? Seems the whole thing is run by computer. It became too expensive to actually FIGHT wars because of the loss of infrastructure, so the computers simply create lists of the “casualties” and then they’re herded off to … become heroes? I don’t think any of our leaders ever saw this episode–must not have been on their list of important things to watch to prep for being a honcho.

Welcome to dystopia.

ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS! CONFOUND YOUR ENEMIES! PRESS ONE OF THESE BUTTONS--OR ELSE!
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