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Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

A parody of Scalia's dissent in the DOMA decision--and now your quote from BLAZING SADDLES.

Razzle-Frazzle!

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

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I guess we’re lucky Eric Massa didn’t try to tickle Rahm Emanuel

Glenn Beck gets a vision of Eric Massa trying to retaliate against Rahm Emanuel by tickling him to death

We TOLD Glenn Beck not to look!

Poor Glenn Beck! He was sure he was onto the key to the downfall of Obama’s socialist fascism. Rush Limbaugh told him not to do it. Bill O’Reilly told him not to do it. Michelle Malkin told him not to do it. But…he did it. He booked Eric Massa.

Eric Massa had been loudly proclaiming that he was being forced out of office because he was the key vote for dooming health care. Salivate, Glenn, Salivate! What did they do to you? What kind of pressure did they put on you? Well, I have non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. NEVER MIND THAT–the WHITE House–what did they do? OK, there were these sexual harassment allegations. AH-HAH! And those weren’t true at all? Well, of course, I groped a few people. Guy people. I mean, who doesn’t when you’ve had a few?

Ummmmm…

And then there were the tickle fights. Nothing sexual at all there. How can you say that’s sexual harassment?

Ummmmm…

I’ve been fighting these charges all my life. What we need to do is campaign reform! Stop calling each other names like socialist, fascist! You can be a progressive and a fiscal conservative at the same time! What we don’t need are these teabaggers pretending the deficit didn’t happen until Barack Obama took office.

Ummmmm…

Don’t worry Glenn, you didn’t waste our time. THAT night. Now try not wasting it every OTHER night!

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McCain: Thank God we still have a Congress to make sure Homosexuality stays in Capitol Hill bathrooms

John McCain takes the role of Uncle Sam, defending our troops against the onslaught of gay troops redecorating the barracks.

John McCain no longer has to worry about alienating any potential voters

Back in 2006, when McCain still thought he perhaps maybe could be President of these here United States and didn’t want to push away any potential voting demographics–something he no longer has anything to worry about since he’s pushed away as many as he already could–he famously said that when the armed services came to him and said that gays should be let in to serve openly, he’d be right behind them. Or maybe not so famously, since if you thought John had trouble programming his VCR, wait’ll you see the hash he made of his TiVo. You’d think some of these politicians would be aware that videotape has been around since the 1950s and in homes since the 70s–not to mention the YouTubes available on the Internets. Anyway, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen went in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee and said how it’s time to let gay citizens defend their country without having to lie about who they are. Well, you’d think they suggested replacing the US flag with stripes of puce and chartreuse. Gates and Mullen were BIASED with regards to this policy and clearly it needed more study on its effects on the troops. You know, like more study is needed on whether or not the earth is a coupla billion years old or 6000, or whether polar bears are taking swimming lessons. What would be the result on their readiness and effectiveness? Well, for one thing, if we hadn’t discharged several gay Arabic translators, we might be having a better time of it in the Middle East, but that’s too rational so it doesn’t count. No, Uncle John is talking about more important issues like whether or not you’re going to lie awake in the barracks wondering if your bunkmates are banging girls or banging boys! Whether you will come back from maneuvers one day to discover curtains and potted palms festooning the living quarters. Whether you’ll be all ready to shoot your weapon only to go SQWIK when you realize the soldier next to you is GAY! By weapon, I mean your rifle. We must take care of our sensitive troops–it’s not like they’ll be encountering gay people EVERYWHERE ELSE in the universe. “Thank God we still have Congress to keep you guys from running your own show,” McCain countered. “I ought to know what today’s serviceman thinks, I was one thirty years ago! Let’s keep homosexuality in the Capitol Hill bathrooms where it belongs!”

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