Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

Wayne LaPierre escapes from a straitjacket

Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)

(IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

“I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

“Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
Yours alwaysnever again,
Greg

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You mean Chechen ISN’T the Czech Republic?

Pressure Cookers kill people, not guns

"Too soon?" "No, too late--did you ever taste Wayne's mom's cooking?"

Well, despite all the additional help by CNN, doing their best imitation of the kids down the block watching “what’s going on with all the cop cars”, the forces of the law managed to deal with the alleged Boston bombers. I say “alleged” for a reason. Even though Tsarnaeva made a confession, we are still in America–presumed innocent until proven guilty. That’s why careful news coverage still refer to him as a suspect. We will exempt, of course, exempt the New York Post from any taint of carefulness in their news coverage.

Thanks to CARELESS news coverage, there’s at least one other victim of the Boston bombing–Sunil Tripathi, who was misidentified as the “white hat” bomber due to crowd sourcing on Twitter and Reddit. Crowd sourcing, in matters of life and death, often resembles a lynch mob. Although I have not seen any speculation, there’s a pretty good chance that some person or persons found Tripathi and executed lynch mob justice. And, just like in “The Oxbow Incident”, they got the wrong man.

There was another wrong man who seems to have been arrested–at least in the news coverage–before he was discovered to be a person of no interest rather than a person of interest–that Saudi student whom even Fox News recognized was selected by “racial profiling”. This poor guy ran AWAY from the blast–like many of us would have done–after all, your first response in a dangerous situation is your own safety. Once you realize there are no pieces missing (as was the case with so many unfortunate people who were close to the explosion)–then you can help others (I am constantly amazed at the bravery of police who ran TOWARDS the blast instead of away). I think he may have had more than safety from the explosion to worry about.

After all, if the police, the FBI, the media, were all racial profiling, what about the crowd? How many of them immediately suspected it to be the work of some Middle Eastern radical? What if the right person–that is to say, the WRONG person–saw that student running away. That student risked getting beaten at the very least if he stuck around.

But what if, as in Wayne LaPierre’s America, there were “good guys with guns” in the crowd? That student wouldn’t have had a chance.

We should all thank Congress for not passing even the mildest of gun regulations so that Wayne’s vision will come true.

And on a completely irrelevant note–”What would Batman call the Boston Marathon Bombing suspect?”

He’d call him, “Jo-Kar!”

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