Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

Wayne LaPierre escapes from a straitjacket

Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)

(IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

“I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

“Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
Yours alwaysnever again,
Greg

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If the Africans Brought to America Had Been Given Guns…

Little Johnny goes to school, guns a-blazing

You should see the family going to church on Sunday...

Congratulations President Obama on the start of your second term. The first piece of advice I will give you for you to ignore is: Don’t negotiate with terrorists–stand your ground on the debt ceiling!

I pretty much ignored the Newton massacre before the end of last year–although I had plenty of ideas that my better half pronounced, “TOO SOON!” Fortunately, plenty of people–most of whom have guns–have kept the story alive–by their IDIOCY! It took several days before the NRA had gotten its collective head out of its nether orifice far enough to respond. The answer to gun violence in schools? MORE GUNS! Set up armed guards in every school building and school yard. I’m surprised David Keene didn’t add issuing kevlar vests to every student and teacher–perhaps because in Newton since the killer shot almost everyone execution style. But it’s definitely a thought.

It has been suggested before that teachers and principals be issued sidearms to keep the peace at the frontier–AKA nursery, grade, middle and high school. There’s some justification to this with kids being given handguns to come to class for safety. After all, the teachers should be allowed to return fire. You might argue that it would take far too long and cost far too much to train teachers how to handle a shootin’ iron. Nonsense, just sit them down for one of the AMC John Wayne/Clint Eastwood marathons and they’ll be ready! At least as ready as the three gun experts who managed to shoot themselves and a few other people by accident at gun shows this past weekend!

Larry Ward, founder of Gun Appreciation Day, held on the 19th, has persuasively argued that holding it just before Martin Luther King Jr. Day is something that Dr. King would have approved, if he hadn’t been assassinated. After all, if the African immigrants to America had been given the right to bear arms, there might not have been slavery. I’m sure the labor entrepeneurs who brought them over would have been happy to provide them with musket, balls and powder. And I do mean balls.

Now let me see. Armed guards are needed in schools. Guns are allowed in several state legislatures, but they already have armed guards. Several states allow guns in saloons–we’ll need armed guards there–and churches too. My question is, “Who’s going to pay for all these armed guards?” I’ve asked my local tea partiers who loudly said, “Not ME! You’d have to raise taxes to pay all those armed guards!” Well, there’s just one solution, which will appeal to the business owning crowd, I’m sure. Privatize the police forces! It only makes sense–people who don’t have any property don’t need it protected! Open up police services to be bought by the lowest bidder and allow private citizens to pay a yearly fee for police protection.

Now we don’t want to completely take protection away from people who can’t afford a yearly contract. They can obtain police services on a per incident basis at a modest rate. All major credit cards and Paypal accepted. Yessirree Bob! I’m sure that will be the most equitable solution. Just what the Founding Fathers envisioned!

Don’t forget to pack heat with lunch, dearees!

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Happy Holidays? Let’s hope they’re better than the run-up…

Squirrely decorations

Bert wasn't thrilled about being decorated for the holidays....Note to the non-anime fan: Kawaii is Japanese for cute

I was all set to write a nice silly piece about Mitch McConnell, AKA Yertle the Turtle, managing to outsmart himself into filibustering his own legislation. Then the Sandy Hook school massacre took place…

According to the Small Arms Survey of 2007, there were 88.8 guns per 100 persons in the United States. That’s a disputed estimate, but according to the FBI, there were over 137 million background checks performed for gun purchases between 1999 and 2011. The population of the U.S. is 314,953,000 (as of 12/1/2012). We’re beyond the tipping point. Even if we were to ban the sale of guns outright, we could still go on shooting each other unabated for the next century.

We are constantly told after each of these “incidents” that it is “too soon” to discuss what should be done about them. Too soon? With those statistics, it’s probably too late! What has to be done? I don’t know–I’m not smart enough to figure out the answer. But damn, something has to be done.

You know what I want for Christmas–I’d like one year without any shooting massacres. Especially of school children. Who weren’t old enough to have anyone hate them. I grieve with their families and friends, and with the families and friends of the teachers and principal who tried to protect them.

May all my readers have happier holidays, whatever holidays you celebrate. Even if you don’t celebrate any, may you have nice “days off” while everyone else is in church, or being forced to endure the relatives discussing the dreary events of the family for the past year. Intravenous Caffeine will be on winter hiatus and will return on January 21.

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