Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Well, Hardy-Har-Har-Har, Newt… Newt Kramden in The HoneyDippers!

Newt Gingrich plays Ralph Kramden--"One of these days--To The Moon!"

Newt Gingrich--the candidate of "No--how dare you ask me something relevant?"

Newt was a bit upset the other week when they disallowed audience participation at the 891st Republican Cattle Call. After all, Newt’s something of a comedian–how to you expect him to time his material when the audience can’t yell out their approval and create standing ovations for such time-tested material as: “No.” Or “Nnnnnnnnno.” Or “Noooooooooo.”
Seriously, I thought Newt’s idea of sending us to the moon when over 15 percent of Americans are living under the poverty level is hysterical. To the Moon! Our 51st State! Take THAT, Washington DC! (Too many black people there, I guess, but Newt didn’t address that issue–THIS time.)
Ah, well, it took Wolf Blitzer to stand his ground to Newt. Actually I think Wolf just misunderstood his own question. Badum-TISH!
Newt–would you like to tell us how you made your money? No. Newt would you like to comment on your ex-wife’s statement? No. Hardy-Har-Har-Har! He even got to turn that around into an applause line skewering the “Media”. If there’s one thing Republicans on camera like to criticize, it’s the media! Must be their ironic sensibility.
On the other hand, we finally found out who else was there when Newt “didn’t ask his wife for a No-Pen marriage (don’t fence me in!)” NO one. Seems his kids were simply character witnesses. And Newt’s historian duties with Freddie Mac? Another No Show.
Hey, at least Newt’s responses got applause–from Sarah Palin. And an endorsement from Herman Cain! Now if that doesn’t prove he’s a comedian, I can think of NO other thing that will.
Hey, isn’t it about time Ron Paul took the Not-Mitt booby prize?
No?

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, nominate me!

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
I am all I long for
All I worship and adore
So unlike me, please be true
And please believe
I love you.

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Happy New Year! As the bugle sounds, the horses are approaching the starting gate….

Mitt Romney ties himself in knots explaining his tax situation

Heck, most people could have a comfortable living on the taxes from his speaking engagements....

Happy New Year 2012–and Gung hay fat choy! As luck would have it, I have had a dental issue over the weekend and will be rushing off to the dentist today. A lot seems to have happened over the vacation, particularly in the GOP “Choose the Next Idiot” Sweepstakes. Hey, who’d've thought that Ricky Butt Butter–excuse me, Santorum–would still be in the race! Michele “I don’t care how much evidence you’ve got, I’m going to believe the next random person off the street who agrees with me” Bachman, Herman “the most profound things I know I heard on Pokemon” Cain, Rick “What was that other thang?” Perry, and John “What am I doing in this party?” Huntsman have all dropped out. This leaves the afore-mentioned Mr. Frothy Mix, Ru, I mean Ron Paul, Mitt “You want to bet $10,000? I have it in my back pocket” Romney, the Pillsbury Dough Boy Newt Gingrich, and recently added darkhorse Stephen Colbert…

And they’re off–it’s Mitt Romney in the lead and the Pillsbury Doughboy with Santorum in the rear! How many more of these damn debates are we going to have to live through? I think the GOP has overplayed its hand. It WANTED everyone to think that these debates were to choose the NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. But by the time of the election, all we’ll remember is, oh, this guy who cancelled my TV program.

There IS something serious that’s going on, though. I’m talking about efforts to stultify the internet. The people of the internet have won a skirmish–the purveyors of SOPA and PIPA were scared away temporarily, but you know they’ll be back, and with bigger guns blazing. I’ll keep letting you know what things we can do to thwart the corporate stranglehold as I hear of them (but right now everything’s taking a back seat to my toothache).

I’m going to be experimenting with some new formats and character designs this year like the chibi Mitt Romney sequence just above. Hey, big headed excitable characters–I think that fits politicians to a T.

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How the GinGrinch Wants to Steal Christmas

Newt Gingrich wants to turn back the clock to the 18th century...

Where's Tiny Tim? I need to kick something...

We’ve been continuing with this marathon of Republican “debates” for what seems like decades now. The strategy of holding SO MANY debates is that it will give Americans–bless their pointy little heads–the idea that these are actually the PRESIDENTIAL debates. After all, these things must be important if they’re having so many of them. The Democrats, especially that socialist atheist Muslim godless commie in the White House, don’t get the chance for a rebuttal, because these are just Republicans arguing with each other. And with the same things being said over and over, it’s kind of a brainwashing to get people to think that what these clowns are saying is actually serious.

After all, the points of disagreement are very few and usually questions of degree–except for anything Ron Paul has to say, which will usually be ignored if not reported derisively–imagine, not wasting billions of dollars every day in the Middle East–the man’s a lunatic! I’m not sure these can actually even be called debates–they’re more a kind of an “I’m a bigger jagoff than you are” contest. Rick Perry seemed to have had that one sewn up with his record for executions of possibly innocent men, forgetting what agencies he wanted to eliminate, how everyone should carry concealed weapons in case they have to sneak up on a coyote, and otherwise general doofusness that made W seem like a wild-eyed intellectual in comparison. But Herman Cain took the lead with his 9-9-9 plan stolen from SIM CITY, plans to electrocute Mexicans if they tried to climb over the border fence and inability to name countries where we have dark ops. And when “the ladies” got the pizza delivery guy to back out of the house, he cemented his place in history by quoting Pokemon as an inspiration. Sigh–we’re going to miss you, Herman.

Now when all this was happening, the Newt decided he needed to get in their with something even more asshole than the rest of them. And he certainly came up with one. ABOLISH CHILD LABOR LAWS. That’s the spirit, Newt! Why stop at turning the clock back to the 1920s when you can turn it back to the 1820s!

Everyone was naturally appalled that he should suggest such a thing–since, after all, child labor laws are generally seen as one of the GOOD things of 19th century liberalism–you know, like abolishing slavery? Newt’s brainstorm seems to have been based on the idea that kids could work in schools as janitors since ANYONE can push a broom, run a floor waxing machine, fix a furnace, clean up after sick kids and then repair the plumbing–which once again goes to prove that Newt never did an honest day’s work in his entire life since he obviously has no idea how much hard work there is and how much know-how actually goes into a custodial job.

No, Newt was simply trying to out-outrageous the then-reigning king, Mr. Cain for jagoff plans. But one objection that nobody made was–WTF? you want to expand the workforce at a time when we’ve had near 10% unemployment for three whole years? When 1/6 of all Americans are either un-or-under-employed? How the f**k ever did you get a head THAT BIG up your butthole? It must be an awfully big butthole…

Why stop at child labor tho? Why don’t we bring back debtor’s prisons? You know, make it a federal offense to, say, walk away from an underwater mortgage–or fail to pay credit card bills? Now that would REALLY be the ticket! And as we fast approach that season of the rolling year when want is most keenly felt, let’s put that suggestion into context–Are there no prisons? And the Union Workhouses–they are still in operation? The Treadmill and the Poor Law, they are still working at full vigor? A merry Christmas? BAH! HUMBUG! Forget Scrooge–Newt is the Gingrinch!

And with Mitt Romney betting $10,000 just to prove that he has more money than God, it looks like the Grinch will steal the Republican nomination. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

We’re gonna need it.

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OK, Time for the Poster Art

Graphic Poster of cop in riot gear pepper-spraying the viewer with the legend “OBEY”

Full-size poster link in text

I’m writing this between AnimeUSA and a funeral for an old dear friend who was a great drummer, Juan Dudley, so I’m going to keep things brief (I always say that and it never comes true). Seems like the cops have been busy busy busy with the pepper spray this week. After the Seattle cops peppersprayed an 84-year old grandma and a pregnant teen, you’d think that someone would have gotten the message to lay off the rough stuff. But this is the new post-9/11 America–who told YOU you could think? Now the net is a-viral with shots of these cops at UC-Davis spraying a bunch of seated protestors with the orange blast with about as much passion as if he was watering the lawn.

Accounts state that he had brandished the can of spray like Thor and his hammer drawn before the incident. A very heroic action against these dangerous terrorists, who were threatening to mat the grass under their butts. Perhaps he was listening to Chris Wallace, Fox News’s poster boy for clueless minion, who’s been trying to get the Corporate Masters’ message out that America is tired of the #occupy movement (at least according to the way he tried to shut up Juan WIlliams from talking about it during the Sunday talking heads roundup). In any case, the incident ended with the cops being told by the protesters that it was time to leave and so they did, dragging their tails behind them–along with the arrested group.

I’m sure that Wallace is right in some ways. Yes, there have been polls that indicate that people are tired of the occupy movement. But we all know that polls can be cooked–ask the right question and you get the answer that you want. And there has never been a law against taking several polls but only publicizing the one that gives the right answers. I suspect that a lot of Fox viewers disagree with the aims of the movement, since Fox paints it as lawless and un-American at every given opportunity.

However, it is true that a lot of Americans have difficulties with the concept of cause-and-effect. People like Newt Gingrich, the stupid person’s idea of what a smart person thinks like according to Paul Krugman. Newt, the latest contender for title of “At least he’s not Mitt” has angrily dismissed the protesters by saying they should get baths and get jobs. He seems to have neglected to notice that one of the things the occupiers are protesting is that THERE ARE NO JOBS. But it’s easy for someone with a job–historian for Freddie Mac?–to tell someone else to get a job when no one is hiring.

Anyway, I’ve decided to add my own effort to the Occupy movement, a graphic poster satirizing the situation. Shepard Fairey-like but done for real instead of photoshopped from photos :D Please use it for free with my permission–just leave on the copyright and ivcaffeine notices. The full file can be downloaded HERE. Right click and download the file, or on Macs, control click and select download.

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The Rapture DID happen on Saturday–just nobody made it …

Newt Gingrich's head explodes from his own lack of consistency..

Newt stands up for his nomination--and sits down again.

First of all, I apologize for not posting last week and not putting up a note that I wasn’t posting. I’ve been getting headaches from eyestrain–I’ve needed new eyeglasses since the start of the year but there was always something that was more important to do. Finally getting a week where I didn’t have a damn thing in the way, I went to the eye doctor the week before. That didn’t stop the headaches, of course–it just set the ball in motion.

You see, my eyes are so screwy, it takes a couple of weeks to get a prescription filled. I’m near-sighted–with astigmatism. But old enough to need reading glasses. And prisms to get the two eyes to look in the same place. Now that doesn’t seem like a lot. But it’s enough to expect the glasses to be screwed up the first time they send them back. I told the fitter this as I went to try them on. He laughed. Then three hours later when he admitted–ooooo, yes, they put the lens centers in two different places–they went back for the second try.

Now, regular readers will know that I am not an excitable person. Do I get mad at the smallest things? Never! It’s the big f#$%^&s that get me angry! So I expect two tries to get them right. It’s not until we get to the third try that doesn’t work that I get PO’d! Since it takes a couple of weeks between each try. And the fourth try arrives nearly two months after the eye exam. In the meantime, I’m still getting eyestrain headaches. And last weekend, I wrote a note saying no post. But forgot to post it. Mea culpa.

Well, much has happened. It’s been a good week for sex scandals! We found porn on Osama’s hard drives. And I do mean hard! That probably isn’t a scandal to anyone except a “hardline” Islamic fundamentalist, but give a guy a break–he was a “hard” man to classify. He wasn’t a holy man. Just a man interested in holes…

Arnold Schwarzenegger showed that his commitment to family values was so high, he actually had two of them. Families, that is. One with his wife, Maria Shriver, and one with his housekeeper, Mrs. Baby Mommy. “Who iss your Daddy and vat doess he do?” Ahhh, gotta watch out for them gays, destroying the institution of marriage. That’s OUR job!

And Dom Strauss-Kahn made the discovery that power is not ALWAYS the ultimate aphrodisiac and when a woman screams NO and runs away, she doesn’t mean, “Give it to me in the face, you sexy hunk!” Not that anyone would call DSK a sexy hunk. Except maybe Claude Levi-Strauss or Ben Stein. Imagine, an economist needing to get sex by force. You’d think he was a short ugly uninteresting toad. Hey, he IS a short ugly uninteresting toad! Next Case!

And finally, a maybe. Newt Gingrich has been busily digging himself a hole to stand in by backtracking over his campaign and running over it until it can’t make an insurance claim against him. Imagine the King of Sunday morning snore fests being taken by surprise by DAVID GREGORY??? Well, it seems he’d been keeping a half mil debt at Tiffany’s for a few years. Hmmmmmm, did the third MRS. GINGRICH know about this? All I can say is–she’d better not check into a hospital anytime soon…

Sorry, the Rapture didn’t take place last Saturday. Damn! I was counting on getting the neighbor’s 60 inch TV in the post-Rapture looting!

See you next week :D

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