Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Sarah Palin Refudiates Nothing In 140 Characters or Less

Sarah Palin--for her work in expanding the English language and works in the American haiku tradition of 140 characters--is enshrined as our Shakespeare.

Sarah Palin--Shakespeare of Our Times

How does she do it? Cal State–a cash strapped university–in troubled times–having problems meeting its own payroll–decides it has umpty-ump thousand dollars to pay a failed Vice Presidential candidate to mangle English syntax in front of potential donors. That’s right–75,000 dollars! It’s a beautiful day, Mister Rogers. I wish I’d run for Vice President too!

Presumably, it’s because the fatcats who write out checks for University sports want to hear the next President of the United States speak. What? President Palin? What am I THINKING? That Alaskan state trooper better watch his ass NOW! Hey, Russkies–I have you in my sites–from the ROSE GARDEN! Maybe those college administrators who invited her weren’t so crazy. After all, they raised 60K–no, now they claim it’s really 207K from the event! They must’ve hired someone from Lehman Brothers to do the accounting!

Sarah’s other workload, as we all know these days, is her work as a poetess in that American haiku form of poetry in 140 characters or less–the Tweet. Sarah is so gifted in this form, she twitters several hundred times each day. And we know it’s really her, no one else could come up with a word like “refudiate”. Except George Bush. Oh …. My …. GOD! GMTA Bill. GMTA George!

Sarah compared herself to Bill Shakespeare–that old dead white guy that used to write plays 800 years ago (Sarah isn’t sure how long ago it was–no one can understand the language he wrote in anymore). After all, he made up words when he wasn’t sure how to spell them either! I say Sarah is better than Willie! He took 14 lines a sonnet to express his thoughts. Sarah has that down to 140 characters!

I’m announcing right now that I’m a candidate for President in 2012. Let’s start those university fundraisers coming in.

Oh BTW, BP has capped the well. It may or may not be working. It may or may not have a leak. It may or may not need to come off again because it may or may not need to be put on straight. We may or may not have a Gulf of Mexico by 2020. And the guys who are helping with the clean-up? Their pay will be deducted from any money they’re entitled to from the 20 Billion Dollar kiss off.

And June was the hottest on record. Haven’t heard anyone talking about global warming fraud since the spring. But like the swallows at Capistrano–who missed their target this year–the deniers will be back next winter! HAPPY SUMMER!

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Just Stand At Attention and Yell Semper Fi

SecDef Robert Gates defends the record of Marine General James Mattis who now only thinks it's a heck of a lot of fun to shoot people.

Gimme an OO-RAH!

It’s been a good week for hoof-in-mouth disease! First we have Lindsay Lohan, who was photographed at her probation hearing with her fingers on her lips and the words F*U*C*K*Y*O*U scrolled neatly on her fingernails. What she was doing with her fingers on her bottom lip is beyond me, probably playing BLERM with her lip, thinking the judge might think it was funny!

Well, I got news for you, Lindsay. The judge wasn’t all that thrilled. Would somebody PLEEZE tell that girl that this ISN’T A MOVIE! We’re not in Disney World anymore–the laws hold–especially the ones about cause and effect! Actions do have consequences. Oh well, maybe some time in the slammer (maybe 9 out of 90 days?) will have some effect. It seemed to work on Paris Hilton. On the other hands, if her friends are right, LL might spend the entire time in withdrawal from nicotine.

Then we have our new man at CentCom, General James Mattis. Since General Petraeus is taking over the post of hoof-in-mouth specialist General McChrystal, his old post at CentCom needs re-filling. Enter James Matiss of the US Marines! OO-RAH!! Another victim of hoof-in-mouth on the scope! UH-OH!

Looks like someone unearthed a video of him saying was fun it was to shoot people. He meant the enemy, of course. Even a Marine General isn’t crazy enough to mean it was fun to shoot at friends. Or random people, although that does seem to be the nature of targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. SecDef Robert Gates said we shouldn’t pay any attention to that video. It was five whole years ago and General Mattis has learned his lesson. He now knows it’s not fun to shoot civilians. At least to admit it. And if anyone asks him anything he hasn’t been given the answer for, he’ll just stand at attention and yell “Semper Fi.” Confuses everyone–works all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good week for misstatements–looks like the only guy NOT getting into trouble has been Paul the Octopus. What’s that? Even the Germans want to turn him into sushi for not predicting them to win the World Cup? Hey football fans–he’s a psychic, not a witch doctor. Get it straight! Paul did. Besides, he’ll taste awful with wasabi!

But we all have to agree–Paul is one cephalopod who doesn’t just suck for a living!

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[IRONY ALERT] After 150 Years, We’re Willing to Admit We Were Wrong–Lincoln WAS a Tyrant–Gov. McDonell

Grant: what if letting them go was the best idea? Lincoln: Whoa, Dude, that'd just be too ironic for words.

President Lincoln and General Grant discuss the war over a bottle of Grant's favored spirit, Old Varnish.

Renewing a Virginia tradition that was abandoned during the Occupation of Richmond by the treasonous Democrats, Governor Bob McDonell has declared April to once again be “Confederate History Month” in our fine commonwealth. In his proclamation, Governor McDonell studiously avoided all mention of slavery because the Confederate secession was not about slavery, but about states’ rights, in particular the right of individual states to decide if slavery was to be respected or abolished within its own sovereign borders and not be dictated to by an oppressive Northern government.

Besides, McDonell said, Confederate History Month was meant to be a celebration of the bravery and courage of those brave Southern boys who risked everything to defend their homes and the Southern way of life, and to mention “slavery” in the context would simply bring up a painful memory for all concerned, the descendants of the slaves and the descendants of the plantation owners who lost all their slaves.

Governor McDonell was proud of the fact that the Republican party has finally seen the error of its ways and has discredited Lincoln’s brutal insistence on the “sanctity” of the Union as the most arrogant oppression this country has ever seen. Now that 150 years have passed, McDonell said, the Republican Party no longer has to pay lip service to the images of its founders, a bunch of abolitionists and big government fetishists and has seen that the Democrat Party had been right all along.

“Just think,” McDonell added, “in another 150 years, what else will the Republicans support?”

[/IRONY]


Due to pressing professional needs, Intravenous Caffeine will only be published on Mondays until further notice.

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I guess we’re lucky Eric Massa didn’t try to tickle Rahm Emanuel

Glenn Beck gets a vision of Eric Massa trying to retaliate against Rahm Emanuel by tickling him to death

We TOLD Glenn Beck not to look!

Poor Glenn Beck! He was sure he was onto the key to the downfall of Obama’s socialist fascism. Rush Limbaugh told him not to do it. Bill O’Reilly told him not to do it. Michelle Malkin told him not to do it. But…he did it. He booked Eric Massa.

Eric Massa had been loudly proclaiming that he was being forced out of office because he was the key vote for dooming health care. Salivate, Glenn, Salivate! What did they do to you? What kind of pressure did they put on you? Well, I have non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. NEVER MIND THAT–the WHITE House–what did they do? OK, there were these sexual harassment allegations. AH-HAH! And those weren’t true at all? Well, of course, I groped a few people. Guy people. I mean, who doesn’t when you’ve had a few?

Ummmmm…

And then there were the tickle fights. Nothing sexual at all there. How can you say that’s sexual harassment?

Ummmmm…

I’ve been fighting these charges all my life. What we need to do is campaign reform! Stop calling each other names like socialist, fascist! You can be a progressive and a fiscal conservative at the same time! What we don’t need are these teabaggers pretending the deficit didn’t happen until Barack Obama took office.

Ummmmm…

Don’t worry Glenn, you didn’t waste our time. THAT night. Now try not wasting it every OTHER night!

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Happy New Year … it should be better than the Old one?

Sexbot actual purpose: conversation--'We need to talk. Sometimes I feel you don't respect me as a person...'

When she decides they need time apart, her programming says, "Don't be upset, it's not you--it's me"

Happy New Year–Happy New Decade! Good Riddance to the Old one(s)! What a pile of manure the new century has turned out to be so far (as Bess Truman said to the people who complained about Harry saying “you need some ‘manure’ on these roses”, “What? It took me 25 years to get him to say THAT!”) Let’s start things off right with a really funny but hard-hitting cartoon. What’s been happening?
Hmmm, we’re still talking about the airliner bomb FAIL, the security FAIL and the “no intention of invading–I mean, sending troops to Yemen” (I hope) not-yet FAIL. That’s two weeks old and I posted an oldie-but-goodie over Christmas to cover it. Timmy Geithner and his magic “shhhh-let’s keep this a secret” emails? Not funny enough, that can wait for Thursday. Health Care? SOOoooo last year! Besides they’re hashing it out behind closed doors, contra Obama’s promise that it will be televised on C-SPAN. Transparency is becoming more opaque every day. What else?
All righty then, let’s check and see if Lindsay Lohan is having a meltdown. Oh wow, Lindsay had to fly–COMMERCIAL! How sad. Casey Johnson died–who was she again? Some rich heiress who was Tila Tequila’s ‘wifey’? Whose biggest claim to fame previously was turning down Paris Hilton’s offer to start a TV program called “The Simple Life”? And who’s Tila Tequila again? Let’s call this one too sad for SO MANY reasons and decide not to start off the new decade with such a bummer!
AH-HAH! I have it–someone’s exhibiting a sexbot at the Vegas Adult Entertainment Expo! Now there’s something you could get your teeth into! errrrrrr… Oh, she’s not REALLY a sexbot. Inventor Douglas Hines says “The sex robot thing is marketing – it’s really about making a companion.” Um-hum…sure. Well, not in its present state, she can’t even walk yet–has to be carted around in a wheel chair so far. And she kind of has the expression of the girl in the bar who’s had one too many when you passed that marker two hours ago. Actually from her rather limited set of capabilities, she looks like a “stripped-down” version of Aiko, the “not a sex bot” gynoid that Le Trung is making up in Canada. Although designed to eventually service as a maid, (Everybody ought to have a maid…) Aiko’s name is actually a Japanese word meaning “love child,” and she looks a heckuva lot more sophisticated than Roxxxy, the new robot, tho not as realistic as the computer generated photos from RealDolls (bet the real dolls don’t look half as good), life-sized dolls that are actually SUPPOSED to be sexbots. Oh, brave new world…
Anyway, since Roxxxy is actually supposed to have conversations like a real woman, I thought I’d give my take on one of the many discussions that might come up. Happy New Year :)

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