Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

The Jackass–a species that will never be endangered in Texas

Yeehaw! Rick Perry protecters "life" and celebrates by firing his six-shooter.

Vaginas--the only weapon they believe in regulating in Texas

Called back to a “Special Special” session to protect women from the sin of abortion, Texas legislators were protected by police who confiscated objects that might be thrown at them. Tampons. Maxi-pads. “Imagine the humiliation we might have suffered by being hit in the face with a feminine product,” Texas State Senator Hugh Jass said. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have to draw our weapons to defend ourselves against these marauding fee-males who want to kill babies.”

Governer Rick “Good Hair-do” Perry defended the measure. “They say that this law will force women to have illegal abortions. I say that history will prove them wrong. They’ll be forced to stay barefoot and pregnant and have them little dickenses like the Good Lord intended.”

Perry shot off his six-shooter in celebration of the law’s passage. He said that this would guarantee his place in Texas history books. “That and my record of signing 263 execution orders,” he quipped. Perry will not be seeking a fifth term as governor, but may consider a run for the Presidency in 2016. That is, if he can remember that third department he’d close.

In other news, the prosecution sighed with relief as George Zimmerman was acquitted of 2nd degree murder in the death of Trayvon Martin. “Thank goodness,” prosecutors said, “we could have gotten a manslaughter conviction standing on our heads.”

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Would you like Spam with your ultrasound training?

A spam ad for ultrasound training is received

Explosive opportunities ... and the rabbit's ears wiggle too...

I have to admit it. I love spam. Both kinds. That strange but tastelessly tasty food product and the email variety. Breakfast of eggs and spam, lightly grilled on both sides, with or without beans. Wonderful. But we’re here to talk about the email variety.

Now, in my youth (rather, my younger days on the internet), I used to rail at spam like everyone else. And when the first email spam filters arrived, I loaded them ruthlessly with rules to catch emails with subjects in all caps, with certain words, with strings of exclamation points. And then I discovered that none of these rules worked particularly well. Not only did the spam keep coming through as the spam-meisters came up with newer and newer ways to ply their trade, but all the emails that I had been eagerly expecting and expecting and expecting, could usually be found nestled in the spam folder, provided I got to it before an automatic flush.

So I turned off the spam filters and have gone back to the age-old delete button, which has the sterling advantage of never deleting anything I didn’t WANT gone. And if I accidentally do, command-Z takes care of that in an instant. And since then, I have been regaled by daily doses of Pamela being concerned about my size, or Cindy about my lasting power. Stock tips sent to “Fred” but seemingly delivered to me by mistake. How many opportunities I’ve been afforded to sneak currency out of falling dictatorships! Aid widows in securing their husband’s vast fortunes in some foreign land! The number of times paypal has needed me to log in to verify the account I’ve used for the last five years is astounding! Or my bank? Or banks I’d never even had accounts in!

There are more benign missives–like those advising me of the wonderful opportunities to be afforded by online universities. If you consider credit mills benign. And it was one of those I got last Friday. Become an ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN! Wow, I thought, how timely! Ultrasound is truly a “coming thing.” Think of the explosion of state legislatures drooling at the thought of shoving a skinny rod into an unwilling orifice so that women can be forced into humiliated submission! Wow, there seems to be a new state every week whose legislature or governor is forcing these wands–well, not DOWN anyone’s throats, if you get the picture. Funny, all of them seem to be GOP. You know, small government keeping its nose out of your business. But not its wand up your hoohah. After all, if a woman has had the audacity to want or need to terminate a pregnancy, she deserves to have a foreign object inserted into her…the slut!

Because that is what all these legal ultrasound requirements are–a punishment for sexuality, the use of humiliation to force women to allow men to control their bodies. Violation without consent. In other words, legislated rape to enforce a code of morality that isn’t even in the Bible.

You have to wonder how these people, who so want the gummint out of their lives, are so willing to allow it into the lives of their women. And there lies the answer. THEIR women. Those uppity bitches who weren’t satisfied with voting the way their husbands told them to, they wanted to make up their own little minds. And had the audacity to work the same jobs as men and expect to be paid the same salary! That they wanted control of their own bodies and actually had it for over a generation was just too much! Time to force them back into the kitchen and the nursery. And the way to do that is to make them have that baby.

Unfortunately, much as I could use the excitement in my life, I’ll be foregoing the ultrasound training. At my age, the thought of starting yet another career leaves me flaccid. I’m much more interested in instant gratification. And after all, I won’t have to work once those surefire lottery numbers I paid for come in!

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Did he really think that this would make God happy?

 

If I wasn't happy about dens of thieves, don't you think slaughterhouses might not be high on my list, either?

If I wasn't happy about dens of thieves, don't you think slaughterhouses might not be high on my list, either?

One day, Jesus walked into the temple and saw its courtyard teeming with moneychangers, moneylenders and other parasites. So he picked up a cord and knotted it and began whipping their collective asses until they skedaddled and said, “My house is a house of prayer but you have made it a den of thieves.” Jesus was pissed off. And that was just from people doing straightforward, legitimate business–it was just that it was the wrong place to be doing straightforward legitimate business. So now we have this fanatic who decides, oh, it will make God really happy if I kill someone right in a church. Please note, I’m not saying what the issue is here, because the issue doesn’t really matter and just gets in the way. You don’t kill someone who you disagree with because it’s wrong and you don’t kill them in a church. That’s called sacrilege.
A lot of news sources have been muddying the issue by calling the murder of Dr. George Tiller an execution. You execute someone for doing something BAD. Whether you’re the government executing a killer or a mobster killing a doublecrosser. But when you pull out a gun and shoot someone unsuspecting in the middle of Sunday services, you’re not “executing” anyone. To call this an execution legitimizes the murderer’s point of view. Let’s call a spade a spade: You’re assassinating him. You’re performing an act of terrorism. You’re saying, this doctor performed abortions, this is a warning to all other doctors that this will happen to you also if you perform abortions. You’re saying that you have the right to decide who lives and dies, the very same thing you have accused the man you killed of.
There are many, like Bill O’Reilly (O’Reilly’s campaign against murdered doctor) who called Tiller a “nazi”, “baby killer”, nicknamed him “Tiller the baby killer” who are now going to turn around and condemn the schmuck who pulled the trigger without considering that it was their rhetoric that loaded the gun. Or Randall Terry, who seems more upset with the fact that President Obama decried a CRIME than about the fact that a crime had been committed. Self-righteously intoning that he is sorry that the victim didn’t have time to repent. How is that any different from supporting terrorism? If the killer had been a member of al-Qaeda, I’m sure he would have no problem condemning the action. And that’s what I’m saying, don’t approve of something your friend does that you would condemn if your enemy did it. After all, aren’t you supposed to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”
No, this isn’t a very funny cartoon today.

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Bizarro World: Cheney Demands Document Release, Obama Keeps Photos Secret

Bizarro Obama, claiming the need for secrecy, prepares to wrestle Bizarro Cheney, armed with customary shotgun, who demands document release.

The two Super Bizarros of the Right and Left prepare to battle

Harry Shearer in the Huffington post has called the new reality the Mirror World edition. Did somebody yell, “Simon Says: Everybody switch sides”? Screw it, Harry, I think it’s worse than that, we’ve formally entered BIZARRO World. We’ve been phasing in and out of Bizarro World ever since 9/11, when people were evacuating shopping malls in the midwest, convinced that Saddam Hussein was about to bomb them, but now with Cheney demanding the release of documents to show how effective our use of torture was and with Barack Obama, Mr. Transparency in Government, deciding to fight the release of torture photos, I think we’ve taken up permanent residence and Kal-El ain’t gunna come to rescue us. William Rivers Pitt thinks everyone is damn scared that the real dirt will come out and if Seymour Hersh is right, there’s some really horrible stuff we’re going to find out about how we conducted our “enhanced interrogations.”
Now, President Obama has decided to revive the military tribunals for Gitmo prisoners–you know, the ones he promised to end during the election campaign? And Republicans are dancing all over Nancy Pelosi for allegedly being untruthful about she knew about prisoner interrogations, in order to distract the country from the lies that President Bush told us about “We don’t torture.” Right is left, up is down, in is out…
In other news, after all that brouhaha about Obama addressing the Notre Dame commencement, a little over 2 dozen protestors showed up and Obama entered to a standing ovation and gave his speech to thunderous applause. The official White House transcript includes a protestor’s boo that Katharine Zaleski said showed his commitment to greater transparency. While being open about dissent is admirable, being transparent about the little things while maintaining secrecy about the big ones is backasswards…Bizarro World.

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