Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Don’t Touch My Junk Rap…

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Don't Touch My Junk Rap--Short Version for AM Radio

Fred’n'Bert decided that it’s been too long since they’ve done any music so they took the occasion of TSA’s latest idiocy in the fruitless attempt to keep us safe from our own shadows. Don’t they realize the only way the airlines will be 100% safe from terrorists if nobody’s flying? Hmmmm, maybe that’s part of the plan–remove geographical mobility–serfdom, here we come!

Anyway, I could only fit PART of the rap in the cartoon, so for the benefit of Search Engine visibility, the extended version is presented here in text:

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!

Welcome, America to Nazi Germany lite.
We turned into you without much of a fight.
Nine-eleven is what brought us down to our knees.
“Save us, we’ll give up all our liberties!”

Tap our phones–What have you got to hide?
Protest and you are on the terrorist’s side!
A fence between us and Mexico?
Little kids at Guantanamo!
Torturing suspects in Iraq
Hey, waterboarding keeps us safe from attack.

Get on a plane? Take off your belt,
take off your shoes, now prepare to get Felt
Up, Groped Up, Fondled Up, Pissed Up, Shut up!
Don’t make any noise, we’ll call over our boys!
This is just the latest thing in travelin’ joys!

Little old ladies, nine-year old kids,
Colostomy bag? God forbid!
You might be using it to bring some explosive shit—
Better empty it out or be declared unfit.

We must be safe—one hundred percent.
No that’s not enough, a hundred-ten percent!
No matter what we think we have prevented
The terrorists will come up with a plan to circumvent it!

You want privacy? Better fly first class—
You won’t be finding one of them get probed in the ass!
We understand the need to be cautious,
but this kind of thing just makes me nauseous!

Don’t tell us that you understand our frustrations,
President Obama, just stop these violations.
The 4th amendment protects our rights
from unlawful search but not on air flights?
It’s time we stopped acting scared and paranoid—
The terrorists have won: Freedom’s null and void!

Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
Keep your hands outta my trunks—Don’t touch my junk!
DON’T TASE ME BRO!

Seriously, President O, if you think it’s just frustration, then you don’t get it. It’s a physical, mental, emotional and illegal violation of our persons and that’s what everyone’s upset about. We can never BE 100% safe from everything. More people die in traffic accidents in a couple of weeks than all the people in terrorist attacks for the last 9 years. There’s a better chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a terrorist attack. None of these extraordinary measures have stopped any terrorist attacks. It’s always been some observant person who’s seen something strange going on that stops them. It’s time to stop acting like Chicken Little or people WILL stop using the airlines unless they have to.

At least that will be good for the trains.

Anime USA 2010 pictures up on my Flickr account.

ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS! CONFOUND YOUR ENEMIES! PRESS ONE OF THESE BUTTONS--OR ELSE!
[del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Mixx] [Reddit] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Buzz] [Email]

Airline Security–A Prediction from 2006

Boarding a flight 2010--making sure all coach passengers strip down, check their clothes and submit to a cavity search before boarding

Naturally, first- and business classes will not be subjected to these new restrictions since terrorists only fly coach

Although I’m taking a much needed break, I could not help but reprint an old Hail Dubyus! number from 2006 which is suddenly again relevant. Airline passengers are again going to be made to suffer for the incompetence of airline and government security. There’s this guy, Umar Faruk Abdulmutallab…his father, Alhaji Umaru Mutallab, chairman of the First Bank of Nigeria, tells US that his son is an idiot and planning a suicide attack on an American flight. What happens? They let the guy ON THE PLANE. With the chemicals they were supposed to be screening for! Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says the system worked! Then she backtracked when it became apparent to her that if some brave soul, Jasper Schuringa, hadn’t tackled the guy, there would’ve been a puff of smoke where American Airlines Flight 253 used to be. Because we can’t match terrorists to the stupid watch list! And who’s going to pay for this incompetency? Why you and me, because they’re going to make boarding a plane so onerous with so many useless security procedures that only terrorists will want to fly! Oh and CEOs, bankers, and celebrities–they won’t have to get searched. Why would they want to blow up a plane–like the son of the chairman of the First Bank of Nigeria? Get on board, son, we know YOU won’t do anything!
Happy New Year Everyone!

ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS! CONFOUND YOUR ENEMIES! PRESS ONE OF THESE BUTTONS--OR ELSE!
[del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Mixx] [Reddit] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Buzz] [Email]

© 2009-2019 Gregory Uchrin, Intravenous Caffeine All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright