Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Would you like Spam with your ultrasound training?

A spam ad for ultrasound training is received

Explosive opportunities ... and the rabbit's ears wiggle too...

I have to admit it. I love spam. Both kinds. That strange but tastelessly tasty food product and the email variety. Breakfast of eggs and spam, lightly grilled on both sides, with or without beans. Wonderful. But we’re here to talk about the email variety.

Now, in my youth (rather, my younger days on the internet), I used to rail at spam like everyone else. And when the first email spam filters arrived, I loaded them ruthlessly with rules to catch emails with subjects in all caps, with certain words, with strings of exclamation points. And then I discovered that none of these rules worked particularly well. Not only did the spam keep coming through as the spam-meisters came up with newer and newer ways to ply their trade, but all the emails that I had been eagerly expecting and expecting and expecting, could usually be found nestled in the spam folder, provided I got to it before an automatic flush.

So I turned off the spam filters and have gone back to the age-old delete button, which has the sterling advantage of never deleting anything I didn’t WANT gone. And if I accidentally do, command-Z takes care of that in an instant. And since then, I have been regaled by daily doses of Pamela being concerned about my size, or Cindy about my lasting power. Stock tips sent to “Fred” but seemingly delivered to me by mistake. How many opportunities I’ve been afforded to sneak currency out of falling dictatorships! Aid widows in securing their husband’s vast fortunes in some foreign land! The number of times paypal has needed me to log in to verify the account I’ve used for the last five years is astounding! Or my bank? Or banks I’d never even had accounts in!

There are more benign missives–like those advising me of the wonderful opportunities to be afforded by online universities. If you consider credit mills benign. And it was one of those I got last Friday. Become an ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN! Wow, I thought, how timely! Ultrasound is truly a “coming thing.” Think of the explosion of state legislatures drooling at the thought of shoving a skinny rod into an unwilling orifice so that women can be forced into humiliated submission! Wow, there seems to be a new state every week whose legislature or governor is forcing these wands–well, not DOWN anyone’s throats, if you get the picture. Funny, all of them seem to be GOP. You know, small government keeping its nose out of your business. But not its wand up your hoohah. After all, if a woman has had the audacity to want or need to terminate a pregnancy, she deserves to have a foreign object inserted into her…the slut!

Because that is what all these legal ultrasound requirements are–a punishment for sexuality, the use of humiliation to force women to allow men to control their bodies. Violation without consent. In other words, legislated rape to enforce a code of morality that isn’t even in the Bible.

You have to wonder how these people, who so want the gummint out of their lives, are so willing to allow it into the lives of their women. And there lies the answer. THEIR women. Those uppity bitches who weren’t satisfied with voting the way their husbands told them to, they wanted to make up their own little minds. And had the audacity to work the same jobs as men and expect to be paid the same salary! That they wanted control of their own bodies and actually had it for over a generation was just too much! Time to force them back into the kitchen and the nursery. And the way to do that is to make them have that baby.

Unfortunately, much as I could use the excitement in my life, I’ll be foregoing the ultrasound training. At my age, the thought of starting yet another career leaves me flaccid. I’m much more interested in instant gratification. And after all, I won’t have to work once those surefire lottery numbers I paid for come in!

ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS! CONFOUND YOUR ENEMIES! PRESS ONE OF THESE BUTTONS--OR ELSE!
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Compromise Position: You can go to the prom, just don’t dance…

See what holding hands and rock'n'roll can lead to?

See what holding hands and rock'n'roll can lead to?

The thing about authoritarian types is that they usually don’t have any good reasons for the things they tell you to do or not to do, they just want to screw around with your life and make you hop to their commandments. Does it say anywhere in the Bible that dancing is evil? I quote from “Vertical Thought”: “The Bible doesn’t forbid dancing when it’s done properly. Psalms 149:3 and 150:4 speak of praising God with dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to dance, and 2 Samuel 6:14 tells us that King David danced when the ark was being brought into the city.” Ummm, excuse me, I don’t see the word “properly” anywhere there. I see that three of the instances were connected with God, but Ecclesiastes just mentions “a time to dance”. And that sure as heck doesn’t imply that you have to be praising God in order to dance or else it’s Eeeeeevillllllllllllll.
So anyway, some poor schmuck, Tyler Frost, out in Ohio got stuck in a fundie school by his parents and when it came time for his girlfriend’s senior prom, he got told by the principal, Tim England, that if he attended it, he’d be suspended so that he couldn’t take his final exams and therefore couldn’t graduate Ohio Christian school tells student to skip prom. After all, the school has rules against dancing, listening to rock music and holding hands. “Are you going to live your life to please God or DISPLEASE HIM AND BE DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY.” The article doesn’t mention any rules against having sex, btw. Presumably if you don’t hold hands, dance or listen to rock, the thought won’t enter your head. I’m sure the Bible doesn’t mention not listening to rock music since it wasn’t invented back when Moses wrote Leviticus and Deuteronomy, or maybe it’s implied by Moses striking the rock twice (he didn’t hear the water running the first time) and being punished for it… As for holding hands, considering the list of sexual practices that the Bible DID prohibit, perhaps Moses thought it was a little low on the importance scale.
The key to it all is the necessity to bow to authority: “The handbook for the 84-student Christian school says rock music ‘is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds.’” Rebellious young hearts and minds have only one thing to rebel against–old farts who insist that you obey them unquestioningly. The kid’s stepfather thinks that the school should not have authority outside of school, as, in fact, the courts have decided on other issues. If I were the stepfather, I’d throw in the Ecclesiastes reference and ask them why dancing is wrong if the Bible itself says that there is a time to dance. And sue their asses.

ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS! CONFOUND YOUR ENEMIES! PRESS ONE OF THESE BUTTONS--OR ELSE!
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