Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

A parody of Scalia's dissent in the DOMA decision--and now your quote from BLAZING SADDLES.

Razzle-Frazzle!

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

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Portman Switches Chained CPI Stance: “I just found out my parents are old!”

Grandpa says, 'It's MY turn for the Fancy Feast.'

On the table again--tip--invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive--that's right, they make most of the cat food

Senator Rob Portman has announced that he no longer supports chained CPI as a means of saving Social Security. Ohio’s junior senator said that his change of heart came from a personal discovery.

“I found out over the weekend,” Portman explained, “that my parents are old. I did not realize that they were on Social Security.”

Portman recently changed his stance on gay marriage about a year after his son came out. “I would have changed my stance sooner, but I had been hoping that Mitt Romney would tap me for his VP running mate. Fat chance–that asshole suggested we send my son to Tuvalu until the election was over. Tuvalu? That place is under 2 feet of water these days!”

“I always believed that all old people had socked it away and were taken endless Royal Caribbean cruises in their twilight years. And then when they couldn’t get on the boats anymore without vomiting, it was the fiscally responsible thing for their children to loot their bank accounts and put them into a home so they’d be covered 100% by Medicare and Medicaid.”

“But the parent-child relationship doesn’t exist for most Republicans. After mating, the female lays 1000 eggs and after spawning, the young eat each other to ensure survival of the greediest. They never know their mother, let alone who their father is. What happens to the mating pair with no children to put them into the nursing home? They’re left to fend for themselves. And I’ve seen a recently made study that shows that at the present rate of inflation, the price of filet mignon today will be the price of Companion cat food in five years time.”

Senator Portman added, “If this passes, I’d invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive. Pet food stocks are sure to go through the roof.”
_________

Too late to do anything with: Run on the banks in Cyprus over the weekend? Only seeing news about it now that the European stocks have been affected? Tut-tut, America, that’s a little country–it’ll never happen here…

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The Rapture DID happen on Saturday–just nobody made it …

Newt Gingrich's head explodes from his own lack of consistency..

Newt stands up for his nomination--and sits down again.

First of all, I apologize for not posting last week and not putting up a note that I wasn’t posting. I’ve been getting headaches from eyestrain–I’ve needed new eyeglasses since the start of the year but there was always something that was more important to do. Finally getting a week where I didn’t have a damn thing in the way, I went to the eye doctor the week before. That didn’t stop the headaches, of course–it just set the ball in motion.

You see, my eyes are so screwy, it takes a couple of weeks to get a prescription filled. I’m near-sighted–with astigmatism. But old enough to need reading glasses. And prisms to get the two eyes to look in the same place. Now that doesn’t seem like a lot. But it’s enough to expect the glasses to be screwed up the first time they send them back. I told the fitter this as I went to try them on. He laughed. Then three hours later when he admitted–ooooo, yes, they put the lens centers in two different places–they went back for the second try.

Now, regular readers will know that I am not an excitable person. Do I get mad at the smallest things? Never! It’s the big f#$%^&s that get me angry! So I expect two tries to get them right. It’s not until we get to the third try that doesn’t work that I get PO’d! Since it takes a couple of weeks between each try. And the fourth try arrives nearly two months after the eye exam. In the meantime, I’m still getting eyestrain headaches. And last weekend, I wrote a note saying no post. But forgot to post it. Mea culpa.

Well, much has happened. It’s been a good week for sex scandals! We found porn on Osama’s hard drives. And I do mean hard! That probably isn’t a scandal to anyone except a “hardline” Islamic fundamentalist, but give a guy a break–he was a “hard” man to classify. He wasn’t a holy man. Just a man interested in holes…

Arnold Schwarzenegger showed that his commitment to family values was so high, he actually had two of them. Families, that is. One with his wife, Maria Shriver, and one with his housekeeper, Mrs. Baby Mommy. “Who iss your Daddy and vat doess he do?” Ahhh, gotta watch out for them gays, destroying the institution of marriage. That’s OUR job!

And Dom Strauss-Kahn made the discovery that power is not ALWAYS the ultimate aphrodisiac and when a woman screams NO and runs away, she doesn’t mean, “Give it to me in the face, you sexy hunk!” Not that anyone would call DSK a sexy hunk. Except maybe Claude Levi-Strauss or Ben Stein. Imagine, an economist needing to get sex by force. You’d think he was a short ugly uninteresting toad. Hey, he IS a short ugly uninteresting toad! Next Case!

And finally, a maybe. Newt Gingrich has been busily digging himself a hole to stand in by backtracking over his campaign and running over it until it can’t make an insurance claim against him. Imagine the King of Sunday morning snore fests being taken by surprise by DAVID GREGORY??? Well, it seems he’d been keeping a half mil debt at Tiffany’s for a few years. Hmmmmmm, did the third MRS. GINGRICH know about this? All I can say is–she’d better not check into a hospital anytime soon…

Sorry, the Rapture didn’t take place last Saturday. Damn! I was counting on getting the neighbor’s 60 inch TV in the post-Rapture looting!

See you next week :D

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Now she’ll be playing a new role–Miss Martyr 2009

Carrie Prejean lands on her butt after getting the boot from Donald Trump from her position of Miss California.

Former Miss California lands flat on her talent

Ahhhh, Carrie Prejean–you sure know how to keep in the tabloids! Donald Trump finally–oh of course, everyone has said it already–said “You’re Fired!” to the publicity hungry little wench. She’s on the Today Show today, spinning the tale why she “REALLY” got fired. Honey, you didn’t get fired because you said gays shouldn’t get married. There’s a lot of people who agree with you and your Biblically correct opinion. In fact, I’d say Donald Trump also believes marriage should be between one man and one woman…and then another woman…and another woman…and another. Wives have a TERRIBLE shelf life. So I hope (and I’m probably wrong) that you’re not trying to sell that week-old fish story. It wasn’t because you had a naughty picture taken, exposing what caused a national scandal when Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction in the middle of the SuperBowl. Remember that? Michael Powell (Colin’s son) practically declared it an act of terrorism that families should be exposed to such indecency. The CBS network was lucky they weren’t thrown in Gitmo for that!
It wasn’t that you were 17 at the time, and oops, you misspoke about the number of pictures there were. Hey, anyone could mistake one photo for four photos. No, the real reason is that after Donald Trump cut you a break, and another and another, you stopped showing up for official appearances and started making unscheduled appearances on your own, violating the terms of your contract. You were DISSING the DONALD–you were saying, in essence, I’m more important than this little crown thing of yours. Oh, you were sweet enough to his face, but as soon as his back was turned, you started playing Queen of the Universe and doing what you pleased instead of what you’d said you would do. As he explained, “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like s**t.” And that’s why you’re just not good enough to represent everything that’s good about California–because you’re such an asshole that calling you a bitch would be a compliment.

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Yes, Virginia, There IS A Sanity Clause

Suddenly, Dick Cheney says there was no connection between al-Qaeda and Iraq and that he is in favor of gay marriage. Santa Claus come early this year!

I Do Believe in Cheney Claus

Ahh, Dickie Boy. I guess it hasn’t occurred to you yet that nobody frickin’ believes you anymore. On the other hand, I guess you can’t be held to blame because the National Press Club obviously still DOES. Who else but the coprophagic reporters and editors who swallowed your BS for eight years would still pay attention when you offloaded the logs that you delivered the other day? Weren’t you the one who said that there wasn’t any doubt that there was a connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda? And said it over and over not just during the rush to a war that, oh, gee, you just admitted wasn’t really all that necessary, but for the five remaining years of your, oops, I mean, George Bush’s administration? Just who was it then who got us into this war? Congress? The other group who got diddled with edited intelligence, all disclaimers being buried in the footnotes? There IS such a thing as videotape, you know, and people can actually re-watch all those interviews. But not “the base”, I guess.
I guess Mary must be pretty happy right now also, now that Dad has realized he’s not against gay marriage. It must make her feel proud to know that he can acknowledge her sexual orientation without attacking anyone else–like John Edwards did during the 2004 election–for revealing a deep dark stain on his character. Too bad so many states have followed his earlier lead and started passing “Defense of Marriage” bills that define marriage as being between one man and one woman, but they obviously misinterpreted your unspoken thoughts.
Now, most of the news articles I read treated these statements of yours as two separate incidents, not wishing to reveal that you said both of these whoppers at the same event. But most of them completely ignored your dumping the blame for 9/11 on Dick Clark, suggesting that he was asleep at the switch and was caught with his pants down like the rest of you. Jon Stewart’s writers at the Daily Show (who have GOT to be watching every freakin’ news channel and C-Span 25/8!–as well as Arianna Huffington) After all, you hadn’t “read his book.” I guess you hadn’t read his memos, requests for meetings, briefing statements, either.
So what I want to know is, why does anyone pay you any attention anymore Dick? We already found you stealing the presents from under the tree. Isn’t it time we all grew up and admitted that far from being the Santa Claus we believed gave us peace and security, you were the Grinch who was stealing it away? Unfortunately, you’re out of office. It’s too late to invoke the Sanity Clause.

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