Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Democracy? Good luck with that, Egypt!

[irony]So glad we live in America where we don''t have to fight for equality.[/irony]

Don't you know that you can count me out/in?

So the Egyptians managed to throw that poor old man Mubarak out into the cold (figuratively speaking) and get themselves a can of whup-ass democracy? Well, thank God. Now we don’t have to watch all those shots of them shaking their fists in the public square on the teevee and get back to what matters most in America–looking for the jobs that we’ve sent abroad!

Democracy! Good luck with that, Egypt! We’ve had it here for over 200 years and people have gotten sick of it. Too much effort. I mean, there we had the most perfect Articles of Confederation that we made even more perfect in the Constitution and what happened? We had to fight a war 85 years later because some silly liberals thought we couldn’t own slaves! And then they went and said that women could vote just as intelligently as men! And just because the stock market slipped a few points and good business required a few layoffs, that Commie Roosevelt started regulating banks and the stock market and putting in “safety nets” for people who were just too lazy to pull on their bootstraps and get rich parents! Then along come that Kennedy and Johnson and we start talking about civil rights for black people–and brown people–and Spanish speaking people–and women–and now even ho-mo-sex-uals! Goddammit–pretty soon there won’t be anyone left to make fun of!

No, we’re tired of all that equality. Let’s turn the clock back to the original Constitution (minus all amendments but the second–after all, Ann Coulter thinks we need more jailed journalists). Thank God for Ronnie Reagan who boldly said to our oppressors, “Tear down these regulations, Mr. Roosevelt!” It’s taken 30 years, but by gum, Ronnie would be proud on his 100th birthday, if he were alive and not chewing on the bedlinens. We’re almost back to where we should be! With the rich running things and the poor on nice clean heating grates in the sidewalk. And the rest of us with the SuperBowl and Dancing with the Stars on, eating our meat and potatos–or at least fries and Taco Bell–with mom and dad working 3 jobs between them so Grandma doesn’t have to make her “Salmon and Ocean Whitefish Feast–F L A K E D–Casserole.” After all, we have a roof over our heads, at least for the next 90 days. Just don’t get sick, kids, we hear they’re starting Debtor’s Prisons and we can’t afford an emergency room visit.

As Justice John Roberts said, (and Clarence Thomas didn’t), “Plutocracy, here we come!”
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Note to ANIME FANS! I will be in Artist’s Alley at KATSUCON this weekend at the Gaylord at Washington Harbor, where I’ll be hawking Part One of my anime/manga parody, BLECCH! (Guess what manga/anime I’m lampooning!) Stop by and say hi, but if you can’t make it, check out its listing at Indy Planet. CU SOON!

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McCain: Thank God we still have a Congress to make sure Homosexuality stays in Capitol Hill bathrooms

John McCain takes the role of Uncle Sam, defending our troops against the onslaught of gay troops redecorating the barracks.

John McCain no longer has to worry about alienating any potential voters

Back in 2006, when McCain still thought he perhaps maybe could be President of these here United States and didn’t want to push away any potential voting demographics–something he no longer has anything to worry about since he’s pushed away as many as he already could–he famously said that when the armed services came to him and said that gays should be let in to serve openly, he’d be right behind them. Or maybe not so famously, since if you thought John had trouble programming his VCR, wait’ll you see the hash he made of his TiVo. You’d think some of these politicians would be aware that videotape has been around since the 1950s and in homes since the 70s–not to mention the YouTubes available on the Internets. Anyway, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen went in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee and said how it’s time to let gay citizens defend their country without having to lie about who they are. Well, you’d think they suggested replacing the US flag with stripes of puce and chartreuse. Gates and Mullen were BIASED with regards to this policy and clearly it needed more study on its effects on the troops. You know, like more study is needed on whether or not the earth is a coupla billion years old or 6000, or whether polar bears are taking swimming lessons. What would be the result on their readiness and effectiveness? Well, for one thing, if we hadn’t discharged several gay Arabic translators, we might be having a better time of it in the Middle East, but that’s too rational so it doesn’t count. No, Uncle John is talking about more important issues like whether or not you’re going to lie awake in the barracks wondering if your bunkmates are banging girls or banging boys! Whether you will come back from maneuvers one day to discover curtains and potted palms festooning the living quarters. Whether you’ll be all ready to shoot your weapon only to go SQWIK when you realize the soldier next to you is GAY! By weapon, I mean your rifle. We must take care of our sensitive troops–it’s not like they’ll be encountering gay people EVERYWHERE ELSE in the universe. “Thank God we still have Congress to keep you guys from running your own show,” McCain countered. “I ought to know what today’s serviceman thinks, I was one thirty years ago! Let’s keep homosexuality in the Capitol Hill bathrooms where it belongs!”

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