Responding to Botched Terrorism: I Can Shake My Fist Louder Than You Can

The true American response to botched terrorism--thow away the Constitution!

First Responders In Action

With the world reeling from President Obama’s surprise announcement of Supreme Court Justice–his old friend from Harvard and the U of Chicago Law School, Elena Kagan–you know, the one who’s never sat on the bench? I mean seriously, who announces something like this on Sunday night–you’re supposed to do it at 4:00 Friday afternoon!

I still have to weigh in on the idiotic and unconstitutional Arizona law requiring cops to get ID from anyone they suspect is an illegal immigrant without racial profiling–HEY, all you guys in front of the Home Depot, get out your birth certificates! Vere are your papers! Ach, so, Mr. McCain-o, you were born in Panama, eh, John? or should I call you Juan!

Now, let’s turn to the response to the botched bomb in Times Square. I know, I know, so last week! The would be terroist, Faisal Shahzad–such a loser, not only did he botch the bomb, but he botched the bomb after botching the run-through and then he botched his getaway!–is actually an American citizen. Well, again the Constitution has become a worthless piece of paper–except for the Second Amendment, we can’t have a no-gun-buying list because that would infringe upon the rights of REAL Americans (according to Lindsey Graham). There has been so much fist-shaking (or as one commentator mentioned, “length” comparing) about ignoring Miranda rights for terrorists, stripping them of their citizenship, throwing them against a wall and shooting them, you’d think we were in some bizarro US. Or a 1984 world where Big Brother is some mythical real American, played by Bruce Willis or Kiefer Sutherland! Imagine, Glenn Beck being the voice of reason! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Let’s zip up our flies, gentlemen. the US court system can handle these kind of things without any help from the paranoid fist-shakers. If it can’t convict terrorists caught practically red-handed and we have to throw away our freedoms, heaven help us, the grand experiment turned out to be a failure.

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Beckstianity 101–Social Justice is un-American

Glenn Beck casts stones at Jesus for being a commie Nazi for preaching social justice..

Hey, Glenn Beck also listened to Born In The USA's lyrics for the first time too.

Now I don’t like to knock a guy twice in the same week. Not that I think it’s unfair, but it always strikes me as a lack of imagination on my part. Surely there’s someone ELSE you can lampoon, Greg. Oh, of course there is–and stop calling me Shirley. But Glenn Beck, bless his pointy little head, has managed to do so.

Of course, last Thursday’s cartoon wasn’t really a mock on der Beckstein (although the text was 🙂 ). Getting Eric Massa on his show SEEMED like a good idea at the time. How was Beck supposed to know that a Democrat might not be disloyal to President Obama? Or that he would think that male-on-male tickling orgies might be misconstrued as sexual in nature? Or that he would take little Glennie to task for the alacrity with which right-wing commentators and Teabaggers call everyone they don’t agree with Nazis or socialists?

OK so his counterparts on Fox News all told him so. Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?

But he also managed not only to reveal that he never actually listened to the lyrics to “Born in the USA”. I guess for the last 25-and-a-half he’s been looking at the FRONT of the album cover with The Boss’s tight-jeaned butt smiling at the camera in front of a flag, head-banging along and singing BORN IN THE USA every time it came around. Yeah, Baby, Born in the USA! And for 25.5 years he never actually “listened” to the lyrics to find out what Bruce Springsteen had to say. Well, I can understand that, sometimes even us boys from Jersey find it hard to understand New Jersey. But to ADMIT IT, as if he just found out something everyone in America already KNEW! that just boggles the mind.

Only to be topped by his warning to the faithful. Now if you thought 25+ years of cluelessness was bad, check out the evidence of a LIFETIME cluelessness. He told his audience that if they heard the words “social justice” in their churches, they should run away as fast as possible to find some other church that did NOT believe in “social justice”, because “social justice” was nothing less than a codeword used by Nazis and Socialists! Now I’ve commented before on the peculiar form of Christianity some people espouse, the Calvinist belief that the poor are miserable, not just because they deserve to be, but because they WANT to be. Because if they didn’t “want” to be poor, why they’d just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make a Horatio Alger success of themselves. So any talk of “social justice” actually allows them to go along, living off unemployment and welfare. This he says, in the middle of a recession where 1 out of 6 people of working age is either unemployed or underemployed. Way to go Glenn!

But the corker is that hitherto, lots of church leaders thought Glenn was the bee’s knees. Now, they’re up in arms–because if there’s one thing that Christian churches have in common, it’s preaching charity, helping your fellow man, fighting for social justice, because their founder, that #$%^&* liberal Jesus Christ, said it was important. More important than praying as a matter of fact. Even the Mormons, who most people figure on being iffy Christians–and Glenn Beck, having been raised Catholic, converted to Mormonism in his adulthood. Looks like SOMEBODY hasn’t been paying attention in church for a long long time. I mean, we all try to not listen to sermons, but usually some of what was said sinks in after a few decades of repetition. But it’s just like Born in the USA. Glenn Beck just doesn’t pay attention. He’s off in his own little world, dreaming dreams no man ever dreamed before, because they’re too #$^&*( crazy to begin with.

Well, Glenn’s finally “clarified” his statements–I think now he says he meant Big Government instead of Nazis–and apologized in the standard approved format and his faithful congregation have returned to the fold, knowing that Glenn didn’t really mean what he said, even though he did when he said it. But myself, I’ve got to wonder–does this man even HAVE an attention span?

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I guess we’re lucky Eric Massa didn’t try to tickle Rahm Emanuel

Glenn Beck gets a vision of Eric Massa trying to retaliate against Rahm Emanuel by tickling him to death

We TOLD Glenn Beck not to look!

Poor Glenn Beck! He was sure he was onto the key to the downfall of Obama’s socialist fascism. Rush Limbaugh told him not to do it. Bill O’Reilly told him not to do it. Michelle Malkin told him not to do it. But…he did it. He booked Eric Massa.

Eric Massa had been loudly proclaiming that he was being forced out of office because he was the key vote for dooming health care. Salivate, Glenn, Salivate! What did they do to you? What kind of pressure did they put on you? Well, I have non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. NEVER MIND THAT–the WHITE House–what did they do? OK, there were these sexual harassment allegations. AH-HAH! And those weren’t true at all? Well, of course, I groped a few people. Guy people. I mean, who doesn’t when you’ve had a few?

Ummmmm…

And then there were the tickle fights. Nothing sexual at all there. How can you say that’s sexual harassment?

Ummmmm…

I’ve been fighting these charges all my life. What we need to do is campaign reform! Stop calling each other names like socialist, fascist! You can be a progressive and a fiscal conservative at the same time! What we don’t need are these teabaggers pretending the deficit didn’t happen until Barack Obama took office.

Ummmmm…

Don’t worry Glenn, you didn’t waste our time. THAT night. Now try not wasting it every OTHER night!

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Well, It’s a Little Bit Better than ‘The Christmas Pouch’

Next year's extravaganza, Glenn Beck's 'The Christmas Merkin' ... 'You'll cry with joy when it's over'...

Heartwarming ... well, warming something...

Yours truly is as sick as a dog, fortunately having a doctor’s appointment already scheduled for this morning. We’re going to have to keep our normal discussion very minimal. As you may have heard, the mawkish Glenn Beck has risen to a new height of mawkishness with a bathetic barrage called “The Christmas Sweater”, available as a novel, a kid’s picture book, and movie-fied stage show with Glenn acting out all the parts. Supposedly autobiographical, Beck trades in on his mother’s apparent suicide (or accidental drowning) to provide the kind of emotional blackmail which passes for heartwarming, replete with every Christmas cliché and missing none. Sales of the books supposedly made all four of the NY Times bestseller’s lists, while his staged reading managed to only sell handfuls of tickets in the major cities. Audiences were bussed in to make up the difference, while ministers gathered outside to protest Beck’s wrapping himself in the garland of Christmas spirit while his normal persona spews hate, race baiting and wrapping himself in Kleenex and the flag as he cries that he just loves America too much.
We have a modest proposal. We propose that Beck’s next literary effort be a sequel to be titled: “The Christmas Merkin.” Beyond the expected Christmas drear, “The Christmas Merkin” has the advantage of sounding quite patriotic if you say it out loud with a bit of a twang. “The Christmas Merkin” will be sure to warm the cockles of your heart, or something else with a similar name. Not only will Glenn be able to sell multiple versions of this opus, but Christmas Merkins can be sold to exploit the demand. (For those of you unsure what a “merkin” is, Jake Gyllenhaal explained it on Jimmy Kimmel the other night.)

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Sarah Palin’s New Book: Should it have been called ‘Ramblin’ Rogue’?

Parody of Christian Serratos' 'Go Naked' ad for PETA using Sarah Palin and flogging her book, Ramblin' Rogue.

Christian Serratos She's Not!

Does it seem to you that the single most important talent for young actors and actresses is the ability to take their clothes off? Not that I’m complaining, nubile pulchritude is an important aesthetic consideration of mine (I’m afraid the guys don’t do much for me). As I said a few days ago, any sweet young thing (of legal age) who wants to send me photos of herself, just send me an email. Actually right now I’d rather have money–year end is coming up and the squirrels are getting frantic wondering if they can afford any Christmas gifts…and nuts. I rather enjoyed that shot of Christian Serratos posing nude for PETA–she waited a whole YEAR after her 18th birthday! It could ALMOST get me to go see NEW MOON–except that in my world view, vampires don’t sparkle–but these are Mormon vampires who wait until marriage to put the bite on their loved ones so I guess they’re different. (Interesting, when I go to google images to find this picture searching on “christian serratos PETA naked”, I go through about 10 pages and still can’t find the photo–Google doesn’t censor… so here’s the PETA page on the poster).
Of course, Sarah Palin is another story–although she doesn’t sparkle either. This former beauty pageant contestant where she paraded her bathing suited body in front of a bunch of ogling judges and an audience, is extremely modest these days and objected strenuously to NEWSWEEK using a photo of her dressed in short shorts, calling it sexist (even though she posed for the photo in the first place–I guess posing isn’t sexist but showing the photographs is). Now it seems the photographer may have broken a contract by licensing the picture to Newseek–but whether that contract was with Runner’s World (for whom the shoot was intended) or with Sarah isn’t being mentioned. Could it be that Sarah, former governor and mom doesn’t want publication to sully her image? No no no! The pic was supposed to be withheld from publication until August 2010–just in time to heat up the off-year elections with an image of Republican MILFdom!
What was SUPPOSED to be the only thing keeping Sarah in the public eye, besides her incessant twittering–excuse me, I meant tweeting–was her not very long awaited book about how wonderful she is, “Going Rogue”. Yup, she’s just a rogue elephant, mavericking around, you betcha. I hear it’s marginally more coherent than her normal writing–I’ll have to get back to ya on that one–since it was actually written by somebody else. In the meantime, I’ll stick with my own title, Ramblin’ Rogue. Never fear, Sarah comes across as self-loving and responsibility-shedding as always. She HAS probably made an enemy for life in Katie Couric, who, Sarah claimed, is so lacking in self-esteem that Sarah allowed her an interview out of pity–I’ll bet Katie would love to meet her in a dark alley without any witnesses! But that’s OK, now that the election is over, Sarah’s new BFF is none other than Oprah herself! Especially since Sarah’s appearance gave la Winfrey her best ratings in two years. And we must not neglect the ever fair and balanced Faux News which demonstrated the size of the crowds waiting for Sarah’s book by using a clip from last year’s presidential campaign.
Palin-Beck ’12? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I’ll be attending ANIME USA in Crystal City VA this weekend–look for me in the purple Intravenous Caffeine T-shirt (for sale over on the right) and say HI!

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