Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Almost Immoral

Obama and Boehner hold secret White House meetings on the debt ceiling.

Boehner and Obama incognito

I have to run up to Wilmington today for business so I’m keeping this short, but the train trip to Delaware reminds me of SENATOR Joe Biden’s commute back and forth to his home and home state before he became Vice President. Joe was holding meetings with Eric Cantor and John Boehner on the debt ceiling–you know, the ones that Cantor walked out of–and of course, the two evil twins insisted on paying for more tax cuts for the rich by dumping so-called entitlements for the not very rich. You know, Grandma. To quote the AP article: “To ask senior citizens receiving Medicare to pay more in taxes when people earning more than $1 million a year receive a substantial tax cut ‘borders on immoral,’ the vice president said.”

BORDERS ON IMMORAL? That’s kind of like saying the decision to award the burglar damages because he knocked over the candle you’d negligently left burning right where he could run into in on his way to the family silver and sustained injuries WHEN YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN “bordered on unjust.” If that’s what “borders on immoral”, I’d hate to find out what actually qualifies as immoral. Besides Weiner’s Wiener.

Let’s see. How about “starting a war against a virtually defenseless country that has been impoverished by economic sanctions because we said they might be thinking about making nuclear weapons in order to get the oil they’re sitting on.” Immoral? Nope–perfectly moral in the 21 century. How about, “selling the oil to China instead of using it to help American industry.” Perfectly moral! “Protesting the war and accusing its proponents of war crimes?” Now THAT’S immoral–AND unpatriotic!

How about “doping yourself with growth hormones so you can win–oh, say, the Tour de France?” Perfectly moral–especially if you’re a cancer survivor. Unless you’re NOT on our team. Then it’s downright flagrant cheating!

“Frequenting a prostitute while holding office?” Fine–as long as you’re not a Democrat–after all, you EXPECT Republicans to be hypocrites. “Holding secret meetings with the Speaker of the House to achieve a compromise on the debt ceiling?” Well, we’ll see how moral THAT one turns out.

Morality is an awful fluid thing where money, politics and sports are involved. Would that it were so in other matters like sex or abortion. And speaking of sex–congratulations to the gay couples of New York State. Now you can go through messy divorces just like the rest of us!

See you next week!

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Netanyahu Does The Ass Dance, OR: Shin Chan In Tel Aviv

Netanyahu is portrayed as Shin Chan, wiggling his butt at the US.

Netanyahu was so depressed after his meeting with Obama he went home and announced more settlements...

Well, let’s see. No sooner than the curtain came down on Act I of Health Care Reform, but it was rung up again for Act II. Republicans bent on obstruction and repeal, tea partiers bent on…well, tea partiers just BENT. Not sure I want to keep watching, second acts always end BADLY. In other news, Il Papa just got directly tied to one of the abusing priest coverups. That wasn’t long in coming. We’ll have to see how this one plays as well. No, I think I’m going to address something else that I’ve been meaning to before it’s crowded off the news by other catastrophes.

You gotta hand it to Netanyahu–he has the chutzpah of the guy who murders his parents and then asks for mercy from the court on the grounds that he’s an orphan.

Joe Biden, our beloved BFDer, goes over to Israel for talks. He has this lovely grip-and-grin moment with Netanyahu in which they theoretically reach some understanding on the Israeli-Palestinian problem, then no sooner than Biden turns around, Netanyahu announces 1600 additional illegal settlements on land that is supposed to be Palestinian. Oy, what a hullabaloo. Netanyahu apologizes. Not for the settlements. No, the “timing” of the announcement was bad. Ben, Ben, Ben. The announcement that you’re going to do something illegal is ALWAYS gonna be $%^&*( bad. It’s just worse when you push it into our Vice President’s face.

So we step up the process and Obama gives him a talking to. Things look like they’ll settle down. Oh, by the way, we’re building 20 new apartments where that old hotel used to be–in the Palestinian half of Jerusalem. ZING! Bad timing again, Benjamin?

Now Obama’s really pissed–amazing how much stronger he’s been acting since he lost the supermajority in the Senate. He and Netanyahu have a meeting. Closed Doors. No one says what the meeting is about, but poor Bennie returns home, kicking cans down the street on the way and mumbling, “It’s not fair.” The members of the hardline government line up behind him and say, “There, there, Bennie, those Americans were being mean.”

Now, I know there are those out there that think, like the conservative Israelis, that Jerusalem, (pun alert) an island of treasure to the Abrahamic religions, should be completely in Israel’s hands (/pun alert), David’s city and all, but the fact is that MODERN Israel signed an agreement dividing the city in half. Likewise, the territory that once upon a time was Biblical Israel is now divided between the Palestinians and Israelis. Sovereign nations honor agreements. Oppressive goon squad regimes don’t and we all know how THAT turns out. Granted, there has been great provocation, but you don’t put out fires with gasoline.

And Bennie, the US is NOT your best friend. It’s your ONLY friend. Don’t rub your ass in our faces and expect us to kiss it. Remember, you’re in the same position as our teabaggers. The Palestinians are out-reproducing you. Just as white people here will soon no longer be a majority, Palestinians will outnumber Israelis and what are you going to do then? What happens then will be decided by what is done now. Be a mensch.

(Today’s cartoon in memory of the late Yoshito Usui, creator of Shin Chan, who died last September in an accident and whose last cartoons were published this month’s Weekly Manga Action. And condolences to the family, friends and fans of Robert Culp, who died earlier this week).

CLOSED FOR CONGRESSIONAL RECESS MARCH 29- APRIL 11 WE SHALL RETURN, MONDAY APRIL 12

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What Would It Take For A President to Say “The State of the Union Ain’t Very Strong”?

Two Hookers critique the state of the union address: Good oral, now let's see a little bump and thrust.

Or maybe a little slap-and-tickle on the right side of the aisle?

I mean seriously, what WOULD it take for the President to start out, “The State of the Union isn’t very strong”? Massive depression? Naw, even Herbert Hoover said the SOTU was strong. Open rebellion? I bet even Abe Lincoln said the state of the union was strong. And it was, if you didn’t count the 11 states that up and left when he was elected. Perhaps alien invasion? “Let me remind you, you still have two out of three branches of the federal government and that ain’t bad,” as the President said in MARS ATTACKS. Actual unemployment and underemployment is around 20%, we’re in debt up to our yinyangs to China because of a double recession during the Bush presidency, two wars that we shouldn’t have been in in the first place, tax cuts for the people who didn’t need them and a massive bailout of banks that had been holding a craps game with our money, credit card companies charging 30% interest, 30 million people without health insurance, BUT–The State of the Union is strong.
We did get one moment of high comedy tho–thanks to Chris Matthews of MSNBC. Forgot he was black for an hour, Chris? Way to GO! Only one month into 2010 and you already have the gaffe of the year! But wait–maybe you can outdo yourself–you have 11 more months to do it in!
President Obama gave himself a number of pats on the back, waved his finger at the right side of the aisle and outlined an ambitious agenda to get us back on track–well, not all that ambitious, there were a lot of half-measures–i.e., we need to increase jobs, but we need to keep the budget under control, so hey, let’s just do a little of both. He pointed the finger at the Bush administration for getting us into this mess more forcefully than he had since…his inauguration. You told Justice Roberts where to get off (and Stephen Colbert brought up a great point about how Roberts is willing to overturn precedent if he has only two dissents to do it on–and just where WERE Scalia and Thomas last night anway?). And he wants to see things on his desk! Well, Barry, let’s hope that you tell people exactly what you want on your desk this time around the calendar and that you knock some heads together to do it.
The problem is that we’ve heard all this before and we haven’t seen enough action on it. As my hookers say in the cartoon, you’re good at oral, now let’s see a little bump and thrust. You told us bank presidents weren’t going to get away with things and then you turn around and let them get away without showing up for their meeting with you. LEAD! Stop taking things off the table before you start negotiating. Get rid of your bad advisers. Rely more on Joe Biden than on Rahm Emanuel–Emanuel’s been advising you to give away the farm for nominal victories but Biden knows where the bodies are buried. Get rid of the financial cronies and slap around those bank presidents like you did the auto manufacturers. And for god’s sake, stop going on expensive dates with Michele while your middle class is going down with the ship–at least look like you have a bit of empathy. You said you’d rather be a good one-term president than a poor two-term one. Well, we don’t want you to be a good one-term president–we thought we were voting for a GREAT president. So stop futzing around and be what you promised.

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Crashing the White House dinner–hey, they liked what was on the menu

While at the Obama's, a family breaks from the tour to have lunch with the President....

A White House tour brings unexpected guests for lunch...

Thanksgiving is over, but that isn’t the end of the turkeys. Time now for the turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey croquettes and the Secret Turkey Service. Ooops, what’s that? As everyone has heard by now, since it’s been the only entertaining thing in the news all weekend, two Virginia socialites, Michele and Tareq Salahi, snuck into last Tuesday night’s state dinner at the Obama’s for the Prime Minister of India. President Obama, who like all executives, has no idea who has been invited to these things, has been seen in a photograph chatting up the rather pretty Mrs. Salahi, and having grip-and-grin moments with both. Quite a number of people were photographed with the charming Mrs. Salahi–including Joe Biden, with his arm around her and a spit-eating grin (remember what the Vice-Presidency didn’t use to be worth–spit wasn’t the word in that either) from one red earlobe to the next.
Now, the Salahi’s, who are trying to get on “The Real Housewives of DC”, claim that they were invited and according to their lawyer had been cleared by the White House. Which of course is very strange since neither of their names appeared on the official guest list nor the Secret Service printout of attendees. They seem to have just wandered on down to Pennsylvania Avenue…drove through the gates and PARKED…and went on in without anybody noticing that they weren’t supposed to be there. It seems new procedures at the White House don’t include checking the guest list as people arrive–a stark contrast to the Bush White House, where everyone was not only checked and photographed, but were passed through a metal detector and X-ray machine and had their shoes inspected. And that was when Cheney WASN’T there!
Now this is all great fun–except for the Secret Service, which has been making noises about charging the Salahi’s with something, as soon as they can make up a charge that doesn’t make them look like idiots–and except for White House social secretary Desiree Rogers who was observed the next day mailing out a stack of resumes. Former Bush social secretary Cathy Hargraves said this would never have happened on HER watch, several Senators and Congressmen have been grandstanding about pressing charges and opening an extensive investigation into the social office’s procedures. I’m thinking there should be some kind of inquiry, but what I am wondering about is how the Secret Service didn’t insist on vetting every visitor to the White House in a time when threats against the President are 400% higher than against every other President of recent years. You’d think somebody might have suggested verifying guests against the guest list. I guess nobody thought that a man wearing a tuxedo or a woman wearing a gown could ever be carrying a concealed weapon–I guess nobody in the Secret Service has ever watched a James Bond movie either. It’s the dress for success look. Right now, Osama bin Laden is funneling moneys to terrorist cells to get their members tailor-made suits–best way to get past security!
Right now, the Salahi’s are asking half a million dollars for their exclusive story. Half a million? Pikers! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a cut-rate parasite. Hell, if I’d known about this situation sooner, I’d have been down to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue MONTHS ago and you can believe I’d be asking for a million!
And legal expenses.

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