Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

SHOCK of the New Year–Bristol and Levi SPLIT UP

Well, mom, you wanted the baby so bad, why don't YOU keep it?

OMG No--Bristol Palin and Eli have broken up!

Well, folks, the unthinkable happened. Bristol Palin and Eli Whitney, ooops, excuse me, Levi Johnston, that fun couple of the 2008 campaign, have broken up. I know you’re all shocked. Why, they seemed made for each other. He was the kind of guy that would knock up his girlfriend and leave. She was the kind of girl who’d get knocked up. Nevertheless, we were assured that the wedding wouldn’t be accompanied by a 21-shotgun salute–possibly because there was a Political Action Committee in charge of providing Levi with financial inducements. But maybe not–it might have been true love–after all, they’d broken up and gone back together a few times before! Perhaps the reason for this unexpected breakup was Levi Johnston’s name. It may have sounded too “ethnic” and he may have “bristoled” at the suggestion that he change it to Trock. (bristled–bristoled, ‘at’sa good one, eh, boss?) We’ve only heard about this in the last week, Bristol is reportedly inconsolable. However, according to Mercede, Trock’s, excuse me, Levi’s sister–now there’s another moniker for you–obviously someone felt they couldn’t name her Mercedes because that was plural–the split happened months ago…possibly as far back as November 5, I’d guess. Now some cynics may feel that this marriage was nothing but a putup to make Sarah Palin look good before the election, but I’m inclined to disagree. I think Sarah wanted her daughter doomed to a few years of constant arguments with a boyfriend she’d been breaking up with on a monthly basis. It would teach her respect for the institution of marriage. Well, I suspect she’s got a whole lot more respect for it now–now that she’s saddled with a brat with no dad to foist it off on when she needs to run outside and scream. Not to worry, I suspect that family of average Joes will soon have a nanny on the payroll. As for Levi, he’s got his new wardrobe, a pocketful of spending money and is probably happy as hell not to have the governor of Alaska for his mother-in-law. Now he can go back to being a good ol’ boy in happy obscurity, without the attentions of the media in his face.

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