Ted Nugent Now Down With The Secret Service? Did He Get Them A Discount?

Before we go anywhere, we’d like to say Thank You to Jimmy Kimmel for saying something to the POTUS that he needed to hear. It’s one thing for the President to hear criticism on “the TV” where he can ignore it as background noise and another thing to burst through the bubble and say it to his face. With a demonstration. All those who’ve never smoked marijuana raise your hands, said Jimmy at the White House correspondent’s dinner. A few hands shot up and then sheepishly went back down when the owners of said hands realized that it wasn’t necessary to be an enthusiastic liar at this moment. Probably a lot of the people who didn’t raise their hands were trying to look cool (as in the “Of course, I’ve had anal sex” variety of cool), as well. But it was high time that President Obama realize that HIS youthful indiscretion was shared by the majority of the population. And that it was no longer necessary to “atone” for it by enthusiastic scrupulosity in applying the existing BAD laws. As one commentator noted, all that was needed to get around the Defense of Marriage law was to say, “Stop enforcing it.” Why can’t Obama do the same, at least for medical marijuana? Or was that another unspoken part of the deal with Big Pharma to lower their opposition to Health Care Reform? Anyhow, thanks Jimmy Kimmel.

Now on to the Secret Service. By now, we all know that 11 Secret Service agents hired 21 prostitutes in Cartagena and got into trouble by trying to “stiff” a particularly high-priced lady. Umm, by not paying her fee. 11 agents, 21 pros. The question we’re all asking–which one of you guys couldn’t handle 2 girls?

The fact that PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL IN CARTAGENA seems to have been ignored by most of the coverage. We are outraged by the “sex scandal”. The more important part of the story is that these Secret Service boys were bragging about their jobs and relations with the President to a large group of women whose security clearances were probably flimsier than their nighties. Cheese and Weisswurst! Have we started drafting our POTUS’s bodyguard out of high school? Or isn’t there a “brain” requirement anymore?

If that is true, I have no doubt that Ted Nugent is down with the Service. Despite his inflammatory displays of guns at rallies, opining in 2007 “Obama’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun”, besides his recent displays of bravado (considering his claims of elaborate ruses to escape the Vietnam era draft). He says now that the Secret Service and him are good buddies now. Hopefully because they told him to STFU. But if their Cartagena exploits are any indication of their brain pan measurements, Ted Nugent might not be the arrogant lying loudmouth he acts like.

In other sex scandals, Ricky Santorum, being the Dick that he is, had his picture taken with Lindsay Lohan and is denying it. Oh, come on, now, Ricky. You don’t ALWAYS have to act like a prick with a stick up his rectum! On the other hand, maybe you do.

And finally, in other news, Mitt Romney gave us his solution to soaring college costs. Students should borrow the money from their parents. Why not? He did.

And that’s where it stands.

Just Stand At Attention and Yell Semper Fi

It’s been a good week for hoof-in-mouth disease! First we have Lindsay Lohan, who was photographed at her probation hearing with her fingers on her lips and the words F*U*C*K*Y*O*U scrolled neatly on her fingernails. What she was doing with her fingers on her bottom lip is beyond me, probably playing BLERM with her lip, thinking the judge might think it was funny!

Well, I got news for you, Lindsay. The judge wasn’t all that thrilled. Would somebody PLEEZE tell that girl that this ISN’T A MOVIE! We’re not in Disney World anymore–the laws hold–especially the ones about cause and effect! Actions do have consequences. Oh well, maybe some time in the slammer (maybe 9 out of 90 days?) will have some effect. It seemed to work on Paris Hilton. On the other hands, if her friends are right, LL might spend the entire time in withdrawal from nicotine.

Then we have our new man at CentCom, General James Mattis. Since General Petraeus is taking over the post of hoof-in-mouth specialist General McChrystal, his old post at CentCom needs re-filling. Enter James Matiss of the US Marines! OO-RAH!! Another victim of hoof-in-mouth on the scope! UH-OH!

Looks like someone unearthed a video of him saying was fun it was to shoot people. He meant the enemy, of course. Even a Marine General isn’t crazy enough to mean it was fun to shoot at friends. Or random people, although that does seem to be the nature of targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. SecDef Robert Gates said we shouldn’t pay any attention to that video. It was five whole years ago and General Mattis has learned his lesson. He now knows it’s not fun to shoot civilians. At least to admit it. And if anyone asks him anything he hasn’t been given the answer for, he’ll just stand at attention and yell “Semper Fi.” Confuses everyone–works all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good week for misstatements–looks like the only guy NOT getting into trouble has been Paul the Octopus. What’s that? Even the Germans want to turn him into sushi for not predicting them to win the World Cup? Hey football fans–he’s a psychic, not a witch doctor. Get it straight! Paul did. Besides, he’ll taste awful with wasabi!

But we all have to agree–Paul is one cephalopod who doesn’t just suck for a living!

Happy New Year … it should be better than the Old one?

Happy New Year–Happy New Decade! Good Riddance to the Old one(s)! What a pile of manure the new century has turned out to be so far (as Bess Truman said to the people who complained about Harry saying “you need some ‘manure’ on these roses”, “What? It took me 25 years to get him to say THAT!”) Let’s start things off right with a really funny but hard-hitting cartoon. What’s been happening?
Hmmm, we’re still talking about the airliner bomb FAIL, the security FAIL and the “no intention of invading–I mean, sending troops to Yemen” (I hope) not-yet FAIL. That’s two weeks old and I posted an oldie-but-goodie over Christmas to cover it. Timmy Geithner and his magic “shhhh-let’s keep this a secret” emails? Not funny enough, that can wait for Thursday. Health Care? SOOoooo last year! Besides they’re hashing it out behind closed doors, contra Obama’s promise that it will be televised on C-SPAN. Transparency is becoming more opaque every day. What else?
All righty then, let’s check and see if Lindsay Lohan is having a meltdown. Oh wow, Lindsay had to fly–COMMERCIAL! How sad. Casey Johnson died–who was she again? Some rich heiress who was Tila Tequila’s ‘wifey’? Whose biggest claim to fame previously was turning down Paris Hilton’s offer to start a TV program called “The Simple Life”? And who’s Tila Tequila again? Let’s call this one too sad for SO MANY reasons and decide not to start off the new decade with such a bummer!
AH-HAH! I have it–someone’s exhibiting a sexbot at the Vegas Adult Entertainment Expo! Now there’s something you could get your teeth into! errrrrrr… Oh, she’s not REALLY a sexbot. Inventor Douglas Hines says “The sex robot thing is marketing – it’s really about making a companion.” Um-hum…sure. Well, not in its present state, she can’t even walk yet–has to be carted around in a wheel chair so far. And she kind of has the expression of the girl in the bar who’s had one too many when you passed that marker two hours ago. Actually from her rather limited set of capabilities, she looks like a “stripped-down” version of Aiko, the “not a sex bot” gynoid that Le Trung is making up in Canada. Although designed to eventually service as a maid, (Everybody ought to have a maid…) Aiko’s name is actually a Japanese word meaning “love child,” and she looks a heckuva lot more sophisticated than Roxxxy, the new robot, tho not as realistic as the computer generated photos from RealDolls (bet the real dolls don’t look half as good), life-sized dolls that are actually SUPPOSED to be sexbots. Oh, brave new world…
Anyway, since Roxxxy is actually supposed to have conversations like a real woman, I thought I’d give my take on one of the many discussions that might come up. Happy New Year 🙂

Lloyd Blankfein, Vampire–Edward and Bella he ain’t, but he does suck something…

It’s that time of year again–the time that we give thanks that the Christmas advertising season is finally 2/3 over. Remember when the Christmas season didn’t really begin until the kickoff at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Or am I showing my age again. With the creep of the merchandising seasons, by 15 years ago, the Christmas season started showing up around Hallowe’en–Thanksgiving? what’s that–all we can sell is a bunch of turkeys that say fresh but are hard as the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Now Columbus Day rolls around and all the stores have Kris Kringle in them! What with the Great Recession, I’m expecting for Santa to show up next year right after the BACK-TO-SCHOOL sales!
But sarcasm aside, we do have much to be thankful for. We can be thankful that Goldman Sachs was bailed out and used its money to pay the salaries of those poor starving executives who hadn’t had Beluga in over a week–CEO Lloyd Blankfein, you really are doing God’s work. We can be thankful that John McCain didn’t win the election–because by now some idiot would have shot him and we’d have Sarah Palin running the show. Those of us who HAVE jobs can be thankful we still have them and as for the rest, don’t worry, we’ll get around to you next year! We can be thankful that we can still pay insurance companies exorbitant fees for denial of claims because in 3 years they won’t be able to do that! Some of us can be thankful that NEW MOON is in the theaters and the rest of us can be thankful that we don’t have to go. And finally, we must be thankful for our celebrities, without whose stupidity, that’s right, I’m talking you, Lindsay “I don’t pay for fill-in-the-blank” Lohan, our lives would be so much less interesting.
AnimeUSA was a fantastic con, for those of you who might have an interest. I finally had the chance to wear my new tux at the formal ball, ran into all my friends from deviantArt who said they’d be there, actually had some nice photos taken of me that don’t make me look my age, ran into some people who’d actually seen my cartoons–YAY! and I found a FANTASTIC band. J-rock band QUAFF is KICK ASS! they are totally awesome–so awesome I went to both of their concerts at the con. The last one–at no’on on Sunday when half the con had left for airports and the other half were walking zombies–had so much energy that the 300 people in the audience were screaming as loud as 1000. I’ll update this with links when I finally get some sleep LOL.
Anyway a great time was had by all including yours truly and QUAFF will be at ANIME USA again next year. Happy Turkey Day everyone from me, Mr. Dymme, Fred and Bert–drive safely if you’re going out of town and we’ll be back Monday with a new dose of Intravenous Caffeine.

Intravenous Caffeine Exclusive: Lindsay Lohan Tweets About Iran (with NEW picture!)

HI EVRYBODY-I just wanted you ALL to know I was just teesing about posting that pitcher the other day JUST becuz I was bored I realy ment I

was showing solodarity with the ppl of Iraq-or is it Iran-enyway, the ppl who r protesting over their. Boy r they tweeting a lot this week

If only sumone had TOLD me I ws supposed to be wereing green so I looked thru my old pitchers to see if I culd find something I had green o

n in and I found one its a pitcher I took of myself when I was at this spa for a rest and look I have a green wristlet! they realy cared a

lot about me at that place they never let me be a lone for a minit thats why Ihad to laeve the door open. They treat women terrible over th

eir and force them to wear hookahs all the time. But I wantid you all to see this pitcher so you culd see that i realy cared about seomthin

g else besides myself wunce in a wile becuz i realy am a sensitive person who cares about other ppl a hole lot n i will try to find moar of

my pitchers that I took even before I new i had such deep feelings about this. preferably one were I am not wereing panties altho im not we

reing panties in this one but you can’t see becuz I have jeens on. Talk to u all later kiss kiss kiss

ABOUT MEH

Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

And check out my DeviantArt gallery:

GregoriusU @ Deviant Art

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