Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Recommends Hotmail for your Terrorist Needs!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed of Al Qaida/Al-Qaeda used hotmail for communications. Here he receives an urgent message concerning his penis size.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed found that spam often slowed his communications

Back in the 90s, the Navy held an exercise to test its defensive capabilities. Officers were given instructions to develop and implement offensive strategies that would be tested in live wargames. Well, one commander, realizing how futile it was to attack with a comparable force, selected a different course of action. Using small boats, he boarded the target vessel with light-armed sailors, kind of like the Somali pirates, and was able to effect a takeover. Naturally, this result was scratched and he was given a failing grade for the exercise. It wasn’t the result that had been wanted.
It seems al-Qaida, or al-Qaeda, whichever the preferred spelling of the week is, also used such really stupid like a fox methods for communicating. Hotmail, prepaid phone cards, public phones, search engines. The code they used for exchanging phone numbers was devastatingly–bush league–A “10-code”…subtract the real digits from 10 and pass that along. Amazingly enough, such lame-brained tactics skirted by our best intelligence efforts, which were all geared towards navigating the Byzantine and high tech methods of the former Soviet Union. Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri described the operations in his guilty plea agreement filed recently in federal court, see Al-Qaida Used Hotmail, Public Phones In Planning also in the Washington Post. What’s our solution? To turn our entire monitoring security apparatus to listening to every phone call made to or from overseas, wasting valuable resources since we have no idea how to cull innocent from suspicious communications (since of course, terrorists never actually SAY what they’re talking about–Yo, Khalid, I have those pomegranates).
In other news, the alleged “father” of the Malawian child Madonna wishes to adopt, who’d never visited the orphanage and is totally unknown to the deceased mother’s relatives, has brought suit against Madonna to keep the child in his care so she can be brought up in poverty. Madonna adoption case heard amid paternity dispute Sounds like a shakedown to me. Here’s a link to an earlier cartoon I drew on the subject Madonna and Child–Malawi Edition

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Madonna and Child–Malawi Edition

Flanked by a sephiroth and Chanel logo, Madonna holds a Malawian child, breaking teeth on her cone bra.

Iconic Madonna and Child

Like the Virgin, kinda sorta? Well, she’s no longer at the top of the news page, but a Malawian court decided against letting Madonna spirit another child away. While this is probably not so great for the child, it’s also true that Madonna could spend her money more wisely by funding a school and helping more children than capriciously becoming a fairy godmother to one. Alas, she’s no Angelina Jolie …
Check out the SNL adoption off skit: SNL: Madonna And Angelina In Weekend Update Adoption-Off (VIDEO)

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