Bizarro World: Cheney Demands Document Release, Obama Keeps Photos Secret

Harry Shearer in the Huffington post has called the new reality the Mirror World edition. Did somebody yell, “Simon Says: Everybody switch sides”? Screw it, Harry, I think it’s worse than that, we’ve formally entered BIZARRO World. We’ve been phasing in and out of Bizarro World ever since 9/11, when people were evacuating shopping malls in the midwest, convinced that Saddam Hussein was about to bomb them, but now with Cheney demanding the release of documents to show how effective our use of torture was and with Barack Obama, Mr. Transparency in Government, deciding to fight the release of torture photos, I think we’ve taken up permanent residence and Kal-El ain’t gunna come to rescue us. William Rivers Pitt thinks everyone is damn scared that the real dirt will come out and if Seymour Hersh is right, there’s some really horrible stuff we’re going to find out about how we conducted our “enhanced interrogations.”
Now, President Obama has decided to revive the military tribunals for Gitmo prisoners–you know, the ones he promised to end during the election campaign? And Republicans are dancing all over Nancy Pelosi for allegedly being untruthful about she knew about prisoner interrogations, in order to distract the country from the lies that President Bush told us about “We don’t torture.” Right is left, up is down, in is out…
In other news, after all that brouhaha about Obama addressing the Notre Dame commencement, a little over 2 dozen protestors showed up and Obama entered to a standing ovation and gave his speech to thunderous applause. The official White House transcript includes a protestor’s boo that Katharine Zaleski said showed his commitment to greater transparency. While being open about dissent is admirable, being transparent about the little things while maintaining secrecy about the big ones is backasswards…Bizarro World.

Swine Flu? Bioterrorism? We Report, You Decide!

If you saw the press briefing about the swine flu outbreak the other day (replayed in part on The Daily Show) in which one reporter asked if this could be a bioterrorism attack. Well, this naturally causes one to voice the question, “WTF???” Bio-frickin’-terrorism? Who the hell would have THAT kind of paranoid fantasy? Well, MY guess would be the people who believe that the USA became less safe as of January 20, 2009. You know, the ones who discovered a terrorist plot every time they needed to score some political points so they could claim they’d made us “safer” and who now claim that revealing our use of torture–that everyone already knew about anyway–had made us less safe. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Dick Cheney and Fox News. But it isn’t just limited to them. President Obama went down to Mexico City and shook hands with an archaeologist and the next day, said archaeologist> dropped dead of flu-like symptoms. DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Obama was tested and found clear of the flu virus–a good thing too, because some people may have accused him of giving the flu to the archaeologist, instead of him contracting it from one of the thousands of flu victims in Mexico City. I can see a call for closing the borders coming–keep them illegal immigrants and their flus away.

What I want to know is, if someone was planning on a bioterrorist attack on the US, why did they start the outbreak in Mexico? Why not New York CIty or Chicago or any other crowded US metropolis? I think the only attack here, beyond the simple microbial, is an attack on reason. But that never stopped anything in this country! Reason, schmeason, the economy is in the toilet, our leaders had authorized torture, let’s have a good old-fashioned plague to get things really going. I’m surprised no one’s said it’s God’s wrath. Oh wait a minute, Tiffany Wellsley on Republican Faith Chat tells us that it’s GOD’S LATEST PUNISHMENT OF IDOL-WORSHIP, meaning Catholic saint veneration, and ends her screed with the “silver lining” that it may do something to alleviate the illegal immigration problem. Well, there you have it–a call to close the borders. I’m not going to post THAT url–if you need to find it, google it.

Torture? Only Following Orders? Get Out Of Jail Free!

Oh, that Obama! Just like Dorothy in The Wiz, he wants nothing more than to ease on down, ease on down the road! Right smack in the middle. Doesn’t matter if one side is better than the other–might get someone upset if I don’t stay right in between. Don’t look back, there’s a whole lotta road ahead of us. Let’s just ease on down, ease on down the road!
The problem is–sometimes you DO have to take sides. Sometimes, staying in the middle doesn’t give you the optimal position, but a NEGATIVE optimum. In other words, if there’s a valley in between the two sides instead of a hill. Take these torture memos that just were made public. Omigod, the Bush administration really did authorize torture, they were fully aware of what they were doing and all the steps they took were simply to look like they weren’t committing war crimes. What to do, what to do? I know–we’ll make the documents public, but then we’ll say that we won’t prosecute anyone for it. That ought to satisfy both sides.
Well, now the conservatives are mad because the documents WERE made public–after all, now Al-Qaeda will know what kind of tortures we performed and aren’t allowed to use anymore! Despite the fact that both according to international laws and OUR OWN LAWS, torture is forbidden. And the liberals are none too happy either, because we’re letting these war criminals from George Bush on down to Private Joe Blow off scot-free. After all, they thought they were doing their patriotic duty and besides, everyone below the administration level was just following orders. I guess all those Nazi war criminals we hanged can now demand re-trials.
I think Obama suffers from Oprah-itis. He wants everyone to love him. Whenever possible, he tries to take a middle course in order to make everyone happy. The financial crisis, the tortures of the prior eight years. After all, Solomon tried a middle course with that baby the two mothers claimed. But if you take a middle course between good and evil, you wind up being neither, and not being good is not a good thing for the man who ought to set our moral compass as a nation. Let us leave behind the pain and suffering. But Obama, we were the ones who caused the pain and suffering. We CAN’T forgive ourselves for something we did to SOMEONE ELSE. Only they can forgive us. We need to show we mean business about no longer accepting torture as one of our standard operations–and we must take a hardline and punish those who authorized it. Otherwise, there’s no justice. We’re like the major leagues, looking away when everyone is using steroids because the big home run hitters bring in the crowds. If you get caught cheating, well, naughty naughty, promise you won’t do it again.
Yes, let’s ease on down the road. But let’s not leave a pile of crap where we’ve been. We need to clean it up and if a few people won’t like you for it, Barack, tough tushies. Let’s have no more “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards given out to people who did wrong and knew it.
BTW, April 20 is National Pot Smoker’s Day. While I am not a pot smoker…ummmmm, these days…I did partake in my youth. Consequently, I find it appropriate to nooge our President on another subject, legalization. Yes, it may only save a few billion dollars and that isn’t going to solve anything, Mr. President. But it will free up jail space for criminals who actually deserve to be behind bars, free the police to pursue real criminals instead of some silly potheads, and take money away from the drug gangs, as well as opening up marijuana to be used for legitimate medical purposes. You smoked when you were young–don’t be a hypocrite. And don’t snicker about it just to please the right wing.
And that’s the news.

“I’m sick and tired of all this government spending!” Well, Where the Hell were you when the bill was being rung up?

Once again, Fox News has come out to protect the American Rich Person–and convinced a good number of the not so rich to support them. Does anyone over there even know that the tax increase only effects people making over $200K a year? What do they all think–they’re all gonna win the lottery? Or do they care, because in the back water of extremist right wing hate, it’s being claimed that this tax increase will be going to pay minorities to do nothing. Who needs roads, who needs education? Burn the books–as someone shouted at one of Glenn Beck’s 9-12 meetings the other week. Is Fox a news network or a cheering section? Do they blame George Bush for running up our national credit debt to ungodly proportions? No–it’s Obama’s debt, even though he’s been in office less than 3 months. A return to pre-Bush levels of taxation on the wealthy? TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! What–do they think it’s only legitimate if Republicans vote the tax bill? Impeach Obama–not because of what he did but because of what he MIGHT do. Hey, isn’t that the kind of thinking that got us into Iraq? Texas may have to secede, says its governor, Rick Perry. Well, won’t that be a shame.
Look, I don’t give Obama a 100% on his report card so far. He’s done some good things, but I think he’s headed for trouble in the way he’s handling the financial crisis by listening to the people who are hoping that this is just a glitch in need of a big correction. And Afghanistan may turn out to be as bad a morass as Iraq if we escalate our presence. And his Justice Department needs a good swift kick in the rear. But if anything, he hasn’t raised taxes on the wealthy ENOUGH. He’s done nothing to warrant impeachment, unlike the fratboy who held the office the last 8 years, unless you believe all the lies that were spread about him with the help of the so-called “fair and balanced” news network that spread innuendo as if it were fact and bravely “asked questions” where there weren’t any questions that needed to be asked. And for God’s sake, how can he be a fascist AND a socialist at the same time???
Do this group know what it means to teabag someone? You bet they do. They want to teabag Obama and all the people who voted for him, all the people who voted out Republicans from the Senate and the House, all the people who believe in science instead of creationism, all the people who think they’re so smart, all those blacks and hispanics and asians and…

A Great New Idea from the Republican Party (Note for the irony-deficient: this is irony)

The Republican wing of the House voted en masse against the Obama stimulus plan. Their criticism? Not enough tax cuts. As Paul Krugman and others have often noted and indeed the Congressional Research Service has noted, tax cuts don’t stimulate the economy. In other words, they don’t work. The only people who actually spend a tax cut are people who are broke. They usually spend it on necessities. The rich invest them. The middle class banks them. Total stimulus? 0. Zero. Goose egg. Nada. So why keep pushing tax cuts. Could it be a fundamentalist belief in Reagonomics? The trickle-down that never reaches bottom? No, I think these guys are lamely following their de facto party leader, Rush Limbaugh. Doesn’t it make you feel great to know that your Congressman might be a ditto-head? And what does commissar Rush want? To push Failure into Obama’s face. Who cares if the nation suffers from their obstructionism, the party is more important than mere people. The senate was nearly as bad, but three senators had the guts to break ranks, realizing that the sooner something was done, the better it was for the American people. Thank you Arlen Specter, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins. You showed true patriotism and courage. Quite unlike the American Taliban, Pete Sessions of Texas. Democrats aren’t the enemy, Pete. The screwed-up economy is. Oh, that’s right, I forgot. You’re one of the ones who wants it screwed up.

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Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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