Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Batten Down The Hatches! Frankenstorm Is Coming!

Parody Movie Poster for Frankenstorm, a Roger Corman Production

This is one Corman movie I won't want to see in a drive-in...

What more needs to be said?

(For the benefit of search engines: The Syfy Channel presents FRANKENSTORM, Produced by Roger Corman, Directed by Alan Smithee, with Dean Cain as Frankenstorm. Coming to a Northeast corridor near you.)

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Rush to Judgment?

Rush prepares to shoot a porno-Satire

OMG ... MY EYES! MY EYES!

Ah, Rush, you did it this time! Not only did you demonstrate no knowledge of how contraceptive pills work (Did you really plug up your ears and go LALALALALALA when they talked about it in school? The sad thing is, I’ll bet your mother and your four wives were all smart enough not to try to tell you about it either!) but you also managed to accuse a private citizen of being a slut and a prostitute for needing so many birth control pills to cover an imagined outrageous sex life! And demanding that she film a porno to help defray the costs! Thanks Bill Maher and others for suggesting that Rush be forced to do the same to pay for his Viagra.

Of course, Sandra Fluke, the young lady in question (and I am reaching that age when almost everyone except the Pope and most American politicians can be described by me as “young” grrrrrrrrr!) was not going in front of Congress to testify about her sex life and how she needed contraception to deal with it. She was attempting to talk to Daniel Issa’s all male panel on contraception about a friend who needed hormonal therapy that could best be delivered via “The Pill” as it was once quaintly known. Did that stop you from, ahem, slander and defamation of character? Never let the facts get in the way of a good innuendo!

Now that sponsors have finally seen how poisonous you can be and started dumping your show, you have fallen on the bully’s defense and said you chose the wrong words in an attempt at levity. Ye olde “What’s the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” refrain. Well, tough bananas Rushbo. We ain’t buying it. It’s one thing when you make exaggerated claims against a public figure-it’s quite another thing to make totally unfounded accusations against a private citizen.

It wasn’t just that you used the wrong words, Rush. It was that you made up something out of whole cloth and broadcast it to all the world so that your listeners would think that Ms. Fluke was a slut and a prostitute.

Now the dittoheads are all making idiotic statements about “freedom of speech” without knowing what it is. Sure, Rush is free to LIBEL somebody. But if he does, then he is also free to accept the consequences of that. Like lawsuits. Like losing sponsors. Freedom of speech generally excludes little things like perjury or yelling FIRE in the middle of a crowded theatre when there is no fire present. It also takes a dim view of what are generally known as “fighting words.” And in the world that RUSH would like us to live in, calling a woman a prostitute who was not engaged in the profession would generally justify his being shot by a male relative or friend of the maligned. Or run through with two feet of steel.

Now, as everyone who’s seen The People vs. Larry Flynt know, the test of whether a satire is slanderous or not is whether any reasonable person would believe it to be true or not. So far, I haven’t seen one dittohead who did not write the various forums saying how outrageous it was to have to pay for this woman’s sex life. Just as you said she was doing. There you have it–proof that reasonable people would actually believe Rush’s twisted statements to be the literal truth. Or that none of Rush’s listeners are reasonable people. Take your choice :)

Unfortunately, the correct answer is BOTH OF THE ABOVE.

BTW check out this article, Rush, so you can slander your most vocal critic:

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The Tentacles of the Health Insurance Companies OF DOOM!

A parody movie poster: a woman being devoured by an octopus with the legend: You'll Never Escape The Health Insurance Companies OF DOOM!

STRANGLING A HEALTH CARE PLAN NEAR YOU!

SEE Insurance Claims denied over and over! SEE sudden illnesses classed as pre-existing conditions! SEE anything but blood tests become experimental procedures! FEEL THE TENTACLES SURROUND YOU! WATCH IN HORROR as the Health Insurance Executives fly in private jets! BE AMAZED at the profits of Pharma Companies in a Recession! GASP as you find out your NEW COPAYMENT! SEE Hospitals Squeezed, Doctors Squeezed, Your WALLET SQUEEZED ever tighter and tighter until you are forced to scream, “WE HAVE THE BEST DAMN MEDICAL SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! USA! USA! USA!” and sneer at Canadians and Europeans who are forced to pay less for better care! COMING to an open season near you. In 3D and SPECTRE-SCOPE!
THE HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES OF DOOM!
Hey, everything sounds better with “Of Doom” somewheres in it.
Research Firm Cited by GOP Is Owned by Health Insurer The Non-Partisan Lewin Group is actually owned by the UnitedHealth Group–hey, it’s neither Republican nor Democrat LOL
Bachmann, Kline oppose public option because it’s ‘cheaper’ How can you tell if you’re getting good health care unless you pay through your nose?
Obama Has Met At Least 27 Times With Private Health Care Industry Executives Hey Obama, you don’t have to make THEM happy–WE are your clients!
Newt Gingrich: We Need To Kill Health Care Reform Newt agrees with Bill Kristol–The Man Who Knew Too Little!
Not only will not all Americans be covered, but the insurance parasites will be left in control–oooooo your finger just got cut off–here–have a bandaid! Now lie back and enjoy the tentacles!

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Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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Susan Boyle: Exclusive! Read It Only on Intravenous Caffeine!

Susan Boyle explains that with the world the way it is today, it's no surprise that she's hot.

Susan Boyle and Pebbles

INTRAVENOUS CAFFEINE FIRST! Our exclusive fictive interview with Susan Boyle, star of–well, not much at the moment except Britain’s Got Talent, a whole bunch of celebrity magazines and websites and Simon Cowell’s delusions of grandeur, but maybe something else soon! It’s safe to say you won’t find this anywhere else on the web! We sat down with the imaginary Miss Boyle and asked her these questions:

IVCAFF: So Miss Boyle, how do you feel?
Susan: Well, I’ve got a bit of an ache in my jaw muscles from all this smiling.
IVCAFF: No, I mean about your new found celebrity.
Susan: Oh, that, that’s a bit of all right, idn’t it? Fancy me, 47 years old and never been kissed and a star!
IVCAFF: I thought you made that up about never being kissed.
Susan: Hey, when you got a good line, use it. Make my day, I’ll be back, ’twas Beauty killed the Beast.
IVCAFF: Gotcha. But it is odd for sudden stardom to strike a woman of your … of your …
Susan: My age? My homeliness? My bad taste in housedresses?
IVCAFF: All that and more…
Susan: Well, it’s the economy, idn’t it? Things have been really down the crapper lately.
IVCAFF: True.
Susan: and when things are THIS bad, people start wanting to see happy endings. It’s the Cinderella story. I’m made for it, didn’t have a stepmum, but I took care of me sick mum for years, wasting me youth and good looks…well, youth anyway.
IVCAFF: You’re old, you’re dumpy…but you have a great voice.
Susan: Imagine that! Ugly as a pair of buttocks but has talent!
IVCAFF: Simon Cowell makes an odd fairy godmother. Well, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise, if you’ve ever followed jazz, half the chanteuses are all big mommas.
Susan: Or opera–they’re all two-tons Tessies, even the boys.
IVCAFF: But this is pop music, which has always put a premium on age and looks.
Susan: It’s ridiculous these days, why some of these pop divas make and break their careers while they’re still jailbait, they do.
IVCAFF: Only at Disney, home of the underage tease.
Susan: It’s true. Real women have warts! Hair growing out of moles! Jowls!
IVCAFF: Well, thank you Susan, all the luck in the world in your continued endeavors.
Susan: And thank you, Intravenous Caffeine, for not really coming anywhere near me.

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