Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Sarah Palin’s New Book: Should it have been called ‘Ramblin’ Rogue’?

Parody of Christian Serratos' 'Go Naked' ad for PETA using Sarah Palin and flogging her book, Ramblin' Rogue.

Christian Serratos She's Not!

Does it seem to you that the single most important talent for young actors and actresses is the ability to take their clothes off? Not that I’m complaining, nubile pulchritude is an important aesthetic consideration of mine (I’m afraid the guys don’t do much for me). As I said a few days ago, any sweet young thing (of legal age) who wants to send me photos of herself, just send me an email. Actually right now I’d rather have money–year end is coming up and the squirrels are getting frantic wondering if they can afford any Christmas gifts…and nuts. I rather enjoyed that shot of Christian Serratos posing nude for PETA–she waited a whole YEAR after her 18th birthday! It could ALMOST get me to go see NEW MOON–except that in my world view, vampires don’t sparkle–but these are Mormon vampires who wait until marriage to put the bite on their loved ones so I guess they’re different. (Interesting, when I go to google images to find this picture searching on “christian serratos PETA naked”, I go through about 10 pages and still can’t find the photo–Google doesn’t censor… so here’s the PETA page on the poster).
Of course, Sarah Palin is another story–although she doesn’t sparkle either. This former beauty pageant contestant where she paraded her bathing suited body in front of a bunch of ogling judges and an audience, is extremely modest these days and objected strenuously to NEWSWEEK using a photo of her dressed in short shorts, calling it sexist (even though she posed for the photo in the first place–I guess posing isn’t sexist but showing the photographs is). Now it seems the photographer may have broken a contract by licensing the picture to Newseek–but whether that contract was with Runner’s World (for whom the shoot was intended) or with Sarah isn’t being mentioned. Could it be that Sarah, former governor and mom doesn’t want publication to sully her image? No no no! The pic was supposed to be withheld from publication until August 2010–just in time to heat up the off-year elections with an image of Republican MILFdom!
What was SUPPOSED to be the only thing keeping Sarah in the public eye, besides her incessant twittering–excuse me, I meant tweeting–was her not very long awaited book about how wonderful she is, “Going Rogue”. Yup, she’s just a rogue elephant, mavericking around, you betcha. I hear it’s marginally more coherent than her normal writing–I’ll have to get back to ya on that one–since it was actually written by somebody else. In the meantime, I’ll stick with my own title, Ramblin’ Rogue. Never fear, Sarah comes across as self-loving and responsibility-shedding as always. She HAS probably made an enemy for life in Katie Couric, who, Sarah claimed, is so lacking in self-esteem that Sarah allowed her an interview out of pity–I’ll bet Katie would love to meet her in a dark alley without any witnesses! But that’s OK, now that the election is over, Sarah’s new BFF is none other than Oprah herself! Especially since Sarah’s appearance gave la Winfrey her best ratings in two years. And we must not neglect the ever fair and balanced Faux News which demonstrated the size of the crowds waiting for Sarah’s book by using a clip from last year’s presidential campaign.
Palin-Beck ’12? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I’ll be attending ANIME USA in Crystal City VA this weekend–look for me in the purple Intravenous Caffeine T-shirt (for sale over on the right) and say HI!

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Great Shot, Barack (Now, no one mention Renfield for the next week, k?)

Cliches abound as the flies gather to mourn their fellow killed by Obama...

And tell my father that I died like a fl-- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Well, he finally did it. Our president has finally overcome the stigma of being intelligent and proved himself a man of action! Did you see that video! Man, one shot, SMACK! One dead fly! Dwight Frye couldn’t have done it quicker! PETA is upset about the outcome, but we’re not! No more pansy-ass jokes about eating arugula, I’ll tell you that. President Obama, we salute you. Now if only you’d deal with BANK PRESIDENTS that way!
But I don’t mean to mock President Obama. Well, actually, I do, but I’ve got other fish to fry. What I really want to mock are movie clichés, in this instance, the telegraphed tragic demise. There are so many clichés in movies nowadays that you could shoot an entire three hour epic without a single original thought. Movies have become so formulaic–if A happens then B MUST follow. Throw somebody out a 23rd floor window–they MUST land squarely on the roof of a car, preferably a minor character’s car as well. Set an adventure in some unexplored wilderness–someone MUST slip and slide down a mountain to provide an excuse for the water park ride. I’m not sure when the telegraphed tragic demise first showed up, but JM and I always refer to it as the “red shoes” speech from RED RIVER. You know the drill, the huge first cattle drive up the Chisum Trail, the night everyone’s edgy because the coyotes are spooking the herd and someone asks Harry Carey Jr. what he’s going to do after the drive is over. Carey is playing a sweeter-than-sugar character who’s made doubly sympathetic by having a stammer that makes Porky Pig sound like a smooth talker. What he’s going to do is buy a little spread of his own, but first, his wife always wanted a pair of red shoes, so that was what he was gonna do, buy her that pair of red shoes. Awwwwww! Within SECONDS, there’s an accident at the chuckwagon, the cattle take off, STAMPEDE! and Carey gets crushed under their thundering hooves. Another prominent instance from a more recent movie is in the HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER. Sam Neill plays Sean Connery’s right hand man and surrogate son as they are defecting to the US and bringing an entire silent-but-deadly Nookle-ee-or submarine with them. Sam talks about what he’s going to do when this is all over. Do they let you travel from state to state without papers? Then I’m going to buy an RV. And I will travel from state to state. And I will get married and I will live in Montana. Maybe I will get two wives, do you think they’ll let me? hahaha. Well, you just KNOW that in less than 100 seconds, he’s going to be shot by the KGB agent disguised as a cook’s assistant, in order to protect Connery. And as he dies, “I would have liked to have seen … Montana (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…)” STAR TREK even dispensed with the speech–just have a red T-shirt day!
So remember friends, if you are EVER in a position where you suspect that you are simply a minor character in someone ELSE’s movie, never, EVER, say what you intend to do when your adventure is over. Say you haven’t given it any thought and then, ask the guy who asked you what HE plans to do. That way, he’s the sorry bastard that’s gonna get his ass cooked before the next commercial! Like our poor fly, who just wanted to say he’d landed on Barack Obama…
Rest in pieces.

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