Mark Sanford: Happy Father’s Day from Argentina

Mark Sanford, crying in Argentina, and singing about his woes as Madonna cries NO! in the background

Mark Sanford could only remember the music to the chorus

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, admitted to an affair with a woman named Maria in Argentina. While most Republicans sighed with relief that it wasn’t with a boy and Fox News turned him into a Democrat, it seems there was a slight glitch during televised coverage of his news conference. Here’s the missing material:

Sanford: I’ve spent the last five days crying in Argentina.

Reporter: Crying in Argentina? Why, that sounds like a song!

Sanford: I’m crying in Argentina
The truth is I’m going to leave ya!
Despite our wild days, I’m going packing–
My commitment’s completely lacking!

I’m hiking in Appalachia
But NO! I’m in Argentina.
I was not hiking, nor was I biking–
What I was doing is my undoing!

I’m screwing in Argentina
One last time before I leave ya!
My boys had plans for the day of Fathers,
they’re disappointed, I can’t be bothered.

Because of you Argentina,
My critics laugh just like hyenas,
I’ve lost my moral cre-e-dentials
There goes my campaign presidential.

It’s all about me Argentina
High and Dry is how I will leave ya!
My wife has found out, her whip she’s cracking,
I am just lucky no heat she’s packing!

Goodbye to you Argentina
I’m crying because I must leave ya
I must start bawling, cameras are rolling,
Reporters for my head are trolling!

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Two Little Maids From School Are We…

Awwwww, aren't chibis soooooooo cute and idiotic?

For those of you not into Japanese comics, a chibi is a diminutive character that usually performs the role of the “cute, annoying sidekick”. It actually means “small child” and adult characters can morph into their “chibi” forms when they are behaving stupid and childishly, bouncing up and down like a two-year old on tear in a temper tantrum. 🙂
Well, it seems that old Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck (whom I didn’t draw) have looked at the glass and called Sonia Sotomayer, Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court, a racist–not noticing that this particular piece of glass was a mirror not a window. Her offense? Suggesting that someone of her background might have a broader range of knowledge and experience than a white guy. From Susan Crile in the Huffington Post comes the actual quote: As evidence, media figures like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin, have pointed to a speech Sotomayor gave at the University of California, Berkeley, School of Law in 1992. During the speech, she said, “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” Oh gee, maybe a little self-congratulatory, but racist? Well we all know the strategy from the Karl Rove playbook, “Thou shalt accuse thy opponents of thine own fault before they accuse thee!” By doing this, you make your opponent seem childish and unoriginal if they turn the accusation back on you…i.e., “You’re a racist.” “No, YOU’RE a racist.” “No, YOU’RE the racist…” etc. etc. You get the picture. Pundits like Gingrich, Limbaugh and Beck are trying to appeal to the basest of their base–not the intelligent, informed conservative, but the xenophobic nuts who have hijacked de facto control of the Republican Party. Whatever happened to the party that could boast liberals like Nelson Rockefeller–yes, at one time, it was possible to use liberal and Republican in the same sentence and within living memory too! Better start kissing the Hispanic vote goodbye, guys, you can have your wish of being the “whitest of whites” party. Pass the Clorox, please.

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Susan Boyle: Exclusive! Read It Only on Intravenous Caffeine!

Susan Boyle explains that with the world the way it is today, it's no surprise that she's hot.

Susan Boyle and Pebbles

INTRAVENOUS CAFFEINE FIRST! Our exclusive fictive interview with Susan Boyle, star of–well, not much at the moment except Britain’s Got Talent, a whole bunch of celebrity magazines and websites and Simon Cowell’s delusions of grandeur, but maybe something else soon! It’s safe to say you won’t find this anywhere else on the web! We sat down with the imaginary Miss Boyle and asked her these questions:

IVCAFF: So Miss Boyle, how do you feel?
Susan: Well, I’ve got a bit of an ache in my jaw muscles from all this smiling.
IVCAFF: No, I mean about your new found celebrity.
Susan: Oh, that, that’s a bit of all right, idn’t it? Fancy me, 47 years old and never been kissed and a star!
IVCAFF: I thought you made that up about never being kissed.
Susan: Hey, when you got a good line, use it. Make my day, I’ll be back, ’twas Beauty killed the Beast.
IVCAFF: Gotcha. But it is odd for sudden stardom to strike a woman of your … of your …
Susan: My age? My homeliness? My bad taste in housedresses?
IVCAFF: All that and more…
Susan: Well, it’s the economy, idn’t it? Things have been really down the crapper lately.
IVCAFF: True.
Susan: and when things are THIS bad, people start wanting to see happy endings. It’s the Cinderella story. I’m made for it, didn’t have a stepmum, but I took care of me sick mum for years, wasting me youth and good looks…well, youth anyway.
IVCAFF: You’re old, you’re dumpy…but you have a great voice.
Susan: Imagine that! Ugly as a pair of buttocks but has talent!
IVCAFF: Simon Cowell makes an odd fairy godmother. Well, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise, if you’ve ever followed jazz, half the chanteuses are all big mommas.
Susan: Or opera–they’re all two-tons Tessies, even the boys.
IVCAFF: But this is pop music, which has always put a premium on age and looks.
Susan: It’s ridiculous these days, why some of these pop divas make and break their careers while they’re still jailbait, they do.
IVCAFF: Only at Disney, home of the underage tease.
Susan: It’s true. Real women have warts! Hair growing out of moles! Jowls!
IVCAFF: Well, thank you Susan, all the luck in the world in your continued endeavors.
Susan: And thank you, Intravenous Caffeine, for not really coming anywhere near me.

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AIG: Robbing Us Blind to Preserve the American Way of Life

As a crook wearing a Dept of the Treasure shirt, robs a line of taxpayers, he hands the money to the AIG Bonus Fairy, who then gives it out to the top executives..

And guess whose pockets the money is coming out of...

Friends, by now you know the story. Uncle Moneybags has given $170 Bn to AIG to prevent them from going under because of mismanagement. They in turn are paying bonuses to the very executives who mismanaged them in the first place. They say they’re contractually obligated. Well, if they’d gone bankrupt, these same executives wouldn’t have gotten a dime.
They don’t get it. They just–don’t–get it. They really don’t understand that we’re no longer in “business as usual mode.” That they can’t buy expensive drapes or parchment wastebaskets on the taxpayer’s nickel. But–I’m owed this money–it’s in my contract. Jumpin’ Jehosophat, didn’t it ever occur to the lawyers who drew up these contracts to write in–“If the company tanks, no bonuses will be paid”? Even if AIG didn’t go bankrupt, why should anyone want to pay these guys for screwing up so bad? In the words of one dope earlier this year, “Well, if we don’t pay our best people, we won’t be able to keep them.” Best people??? You want to keep these jerks? No, let them join the ranks of the unemployed. Let them suffer the utter humiliation of driving to the unemployment office in last year’s BMW. “Well,” said the lawyers, “if we don’t pay them, we might be subject to litigation.” Let ’em sue. You say, “the government of the United States gave us orders not to pay these bonuses.” Then let them sue the US Government.
But you say–it’s only a couple of hundred million–compared to the $170 BILLION we bailed them out with, that’s a drop in the bucket. True, but that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing–people shouldn’t be paid for screwing up. If you pay a plumber to unstop your drain, and he fixes it by removing the clogged pipe and letting the water out all over the floor, are you going to pay him? Hell, no–he screwed up. So why then should these dopes be rewarded for crashing our economy? And why should it be US that pays them. The kind of reward these guys really deserve cannot be expressed on a general audience website, but I have it on good authority that Pongo and his gorilla buddies are all hot to give it to them.
(NY TIMES) Bracing for a Bailout Backlash
(NY TIMES) A.I.G. Lists the Banks to Which It Paid Rescue Funds
(WashPost) Millions in AIG bonuses draw chorus of outrage
(Reuters via WashPost) Millions in AIG bonuses ignite bipartisan fire
(AP via WashPost) Frank assails bonuses paid to executives at AIG

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Michael Steele, You’re Rush’s Bitch Now

Michael Steele plays Rush Limbaugh's pony girl, carrying him in a carriage while a girl asks a tattoo artist if her tattoo can be changed from BUSH to RUSH...

Rush makes Michael Steele do penance for insulting him

UPDATE: March 29, 2010. High flyer: RNC Chairman Steele suggested buying private jet with GOP funds “Once on the ground, FEC filings suggest, Steele travels in style. A February RNC trip to California, for example, included a $9,099 stop at the Beverly Hills Hotel, $6,596 dropped at the nearby Four Seasons, and $1,620.71 spent [update: the amount is actually $1,946.25] at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex.” Hmmm looks like I was onto something back here 🙂

Please note: I have nothing against people going to bondage clubs. Whatever floats your boat. I just find it ironic when the Chairman of the “family values” party spends nearly $2K at one and gets the “family values” party to foot the bill!

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2010/03/29/high-flyer-rnc-chairman-steele-suggested-buying-private-jet-with-gop-funds/#ixzz0jaf1DaRB and check out Jason Linkins at Huffington Post

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2010/03/29/high-flyer-rnc-chairman-steele-suggested-buying-private-jet-with-gop-funds/#ixzz0jaf1DaRBNot content with having forced Phil Gingrey to kiss his bulbous ass, Mr. Republican, aka Rush Limbaugh–who’d rather see the USA go down the tube than allow a black Democratic President to succeed where the GOP failed–has turned upon the head of the Republican Party–newly minted chairman Michael Steele and pounced on a supposed insult to Himself and made the sinning Mr. Steele grovel before Him. I don’t think it matters that Michael Steele is black, Rush would make any anointee grovel–he’s an equal opportunity megalomaniac. Now we know who’s running the show, don’t we? Unfortunately, this does not bode well for the party of Lincoln, but heck, they’d abandoned Lincoln’s principles by the time of Andrew Johnson. I believe that there is a true and major need for a conservative voice in government, but not a party of “dittoheads” shouting at the behest of a self-appointed demagogue. That’s not conservatism–that’s a mob. Perhaps Mr. Limbaugh thinks he should be the real head of the RNC–as President. Oh, well, Canada needs more citizens…
Andy Ostroy has an entertaining piece in the Huffington Post on this The Rush to Kiss Rush’s Ass> I’m amused that he chose to use the Titanic image to depict Rush’s helmsmanship since that was my same thought in January. GMTA 😉

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