Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Scalp um, Swamp um, We will take um big score!

Washington Redskin Potatos?

91% of all Dallas Cowboys fans would approve of this name change.

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n'Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ‘em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football :) )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

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The “Obstacle Course” to Citizenship

The 'Former Wetback' Card

Illegal immigrants are certain to love the new obstacle course to citizenship.

We interviewed Senator Hogsweat from the Committee for Immigration Reform, the so-called Gang of Eight”, on the proposed “path to citizenship” for undocumented immigrants. “Well, first off, we prefer to call them illegal aliens. All this PC crap about them being simply undocumented isn’t what reform is about. Now I wanted to call them wetbacks, because that’s what they are, but it got voted down.

“You see, we don’t want even the whiff of amnesty about this program, nosireebob! So right away, starting from when they got her and having them apply for citizenship based on the number of years they’d been here illegally–even if they’d paid taxes–was nixed. Likewise, starting from zero based on when they registered for the new program and then following the normal five-year path to citizenship any Canadian would have to follow.

“Nope, these suckers have to be punished for wanting our American jobs and our American dream. So we figure, fine them, make them pay back taxes, make them wait 10 more years for a green card and then 3 MORE years to apply for a citizenship. Some of us wanted to add wearing arm bands that said “Beaner”, but we were told that a BLUE card would be sufficient. So we made dang sure it read, “Former Wetback”, so when you get to your Home Depot to find someone, make sure they have the blue card!

“Oh, and they must negotiate a physical obstacle course as well–gotta make sure they are actually capable of working! A few tires, jump over a burning ditch, climb a rope covered with slime, hand over hand across a rattlesnake pit, crawl under live ammo fire… A little humiliation is a good thing for these sp– errr Hispanics, dontcha think?

“This is all contingent, of course, on setting up a barb wire fence, ditch, hill, 20 foot wide wall and second barb wire fence along the whole Southern border, marked with signs saying “Keepo Outo!”

In other news, the fright wing is still trying to make a brouhaha out of Benghazi, threatening to snarl the government with another useless impeachment quest if they aren’t given their way.

And in FURTHER news, this cartoonist will be appearing at two conventions in June–Anime Next in Somerset, NJ, June 7-9, and Anime MidAtlantic in Chesapeake, VA, June 14-16. I’ll be in Artist Alley in both and will also be giving talks on manga-writing and cartoon inking at AMA. Please stop by if you’re at either convention!

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Happy Holidays? Let’s hope they’re better than the run-up…

Squirrely decorations

Bert wasn't thrilled about being decorated for the holidays....Note to the non-anime fan: Kawaii is Japanese for cute

I was all set to write a nice silly piece about Mitch McConnell, AKA Yertle the Turtle, managing to outsmart himself into filibustering his own legislation. Then the Sandy Hook school massacre took place…

According to the Small Arms Survey of 2007, there were 88.8 guns per 100 persons in the United States. That’s a disputed estimate, but according to the FBI, there were over 137 million background checks performed for gun purchases between 1999 and 2011. The population of the U.S. is 314,953,000 (as of 12/1/2012). We’re beyond the tipping point. Even if we were to ban the sale of guns outright, we could still go on shooting each other unabated for the next century.

We are constantly told after each of these “incidents” that it is “too soon” to discuss what should be done about them. Too soon? With those statistics, it’s probably too late! What has to be done? I don’t know–I’m not smart enough to figure out the answer. But damn, something has to be done.

You know what I want for Christmas–I’d like one year without any shooting massacres. Especially of school children. Who weren’t old enough to have anyone hate them. I grieve with their families and friends, and with the families and friends of the teachers and principal who tried to protect them.

May all my readers have happier holidays, whatever holidays you celebrate. Even if you don’t celebrate any, may you have nice “days off” while everyone else is in church, or being forced to endure the relatives discussing the dreary events of the family for the past year. Intravenous Caffeine will be on winter hiatus and will return on January 21.

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