Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

Sarah Palin Refudiates Nothing In 140 Characters or Less

Sarah Palin--for her work in expanding the English language and works in the American haiku tradition of 140 characters--is enshrined as our Shakespeare.

Sarah Palin--Shakespeare of Our Times

How does she do it? Cal State–a cash strapped university–in troubled times–having problems meeting its own payroll–decides it has umpty-ump thousand dollars to pay a failed Vice Presidential candidate to mangle English syntax in front of potential donors. That’s right–75,000 dollars! It’s a beautiful day, Mister Rogers. I wish I’d run for Vice President too!

Presumably, it’s because the fatcats who write out checks for University sports want to hear the next President of the United States speak. What? President Palin? What am I THINKING? That Alaskan state trooper better watch his ass NOW! Hey, Russkies–I have you in my sites–from the ROSE GARDEN! Maybe those college administrators who invited her weren’t so crazy. After all, they raised 60K–no, now they claim it’s really 207K from the event! They must’ve hired someone from Lehman Brothers to do the accounting!

Sarah’s other workload, as we all know these days, is her work as a poetess in that American haiku form of poetry in 140 characters or less–the Tweet. Sarah is so gifted in this form, she twitters several hundred times each day. And we know it’s really her, no one else could come up with a word like “refudiate”. Except George Bush. Oh …. My …. GOD! GMTA Bill. GMTA George!

Sarah compared herself to Bill Shakespeare–that old dead white guy that used to write plays 800 years ago (Sarah isn’t sure how long ago it was–no one can understand the language he wrote in anymore). After all, he made up words when he wasn’t sure how to spell them either! I say Sarah is better than Willie! He took 14 lines a sonnet to express his thoughts. Sarah has that down to 140 characters!

I’m announcing right now that I’m a candidate for President in 2012. Let’s start those university fundraisers coming in.

Oh BTW, BP has capped the well. It may or may not be working. It may or may not have a leak. It may or may not need to come off again because it may or may not need to be put on straight. We may or may not have a Gulf of Mexico by 2020. And the guys who are helping with the clean-up? Their pay will be deducted from any money they’re entitled to from the 20 Billion Dollar kiss off.

And June was the hottest on record. Haven’t heard anyone talking about global warming fraud since the spring. But like the swallows at Capistrano–who missed their target this year–the deniers will be back next winter! HAPPY SUMMER!

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We Know You’re Superman, Jimmy–We Heard It On Twitter!

In an issue of FRACTION COMICS (the magazine for halfwits), Clark Kent uses Twitter to foist suspicion of Superman's secret identity on Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter.y

Clark Kent discovers Twitter to be a great way to protect his secret identity

Well, it’s became an even worse week for celebrities. Karl Malden passed away the other day, my GOD, the man was 97, that means back when he was doing all those American Express commercials, he was in his vigorous 70s! For some people, death is God’s way of telling you to take a vacation. And with all these deaths going on, Richard Wilkins of Australia’s Channel Nine, announced that Jeff Goldblum had also died. He’d read it on Twitter and as we all know, what you read on Twitter you can take to the bank. Well, it seems as if rumors of Jeff Goldblum’s demise were somewhat premature–as we found out on the Colbert Report where Jeff Goldblum delivered a eulogy for…Jeff Goldblum.
Which brings up a question–are we supposed to treat Twitter as a reliable news source? Looks like CNN, MSNBC and Fox News are doing it here in the States. After all, would anyone tweet something that wasn’t true? The problem is, as newspaper editors and publishers have been finding out, the 24 hour news cycle is soooooooo last century. With the advent of blogs, we shifted to a 1440 MINUTE news cycle and now with Twitter, an 86,400 SECOND news cycle. Who will be the first to tweet the findings of Michael Jackson’s autopsy? How fast will it spread over cyberspace? Will it be the real news, or will someone be tweeting a hoax?
The fact is, Twitter is not an information spreading technology, it’s a rumor spreading technology. Yes, it can be used to spread the news of something important like the Iranian uprising. But even there, we only got half the story–the half that the people who had access to Twitter wanted us to have. It’s accepted knowledge that the election results were fraudulent, but according to ABC/Washington Post polls taken the week before the election, there was every chance that the reported results, despite some irregularities, did indeed reflect the vote of the country. But we chose to believe the faction that claimed fraud–partially because we wanted to believe them and partially because of the barrage of news being tweeted at us. This is not to say that my sympathies do not lie with the Iranian people, but it’s important for us to realize that Twitter is not a news source. It can spread news, but it can also be used to spread rumor, propaganda and disinformation. Just ask Jeff Goldblum :)
Just to clear things up, no, people who read comics are NOT halfwits–if I thought they were, I wouldn’t be DRAWING them–but I just couldn’t resist the play on words with Fraction Comics.

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Intravenous Caffeine Exclusive: Lindsay Lohan Tweets About Iran (with NEW picture!)

Lindsay Lohan shows her solidarity with the Iranians in a semi-nude shot taken in her bathroom mirror (with hair extensions) wearing a green wristlet while resting at a spa.

I care about Iran--see my green wristlet?

HI EVRYBODY-I just wanted you ALL to know I was just teesing about posting that pitcher the other day JUST becuz I was bored I realy ment I

was showing solodarity with the ppl of Iraq-or is it Iran-enyway, the ppl who r protesting over their. Boy r they tweeting a lot this week

If only sumone had TOLD me I ws supposed to be wereing green so I looked thru my old pitchers to see if I culd find something I had green o

n in and I found one its a pitcher I took of myself when I was at this spa for a rest and look I have a green wristlet! they realy cared a

lot about me at that place they never let me be a lone for a minit thats why Ihad to laeve the door open. They treat women terrible over th

eir and force them to wear hookahs all the time. But I wantid you all to see this pitcher so you culd see that i realy cared about seomthin

g else besides myself wunce in a wile becuz i realy am a sensitive person who cares about other ppl a hole lot n i will try to find moar of

my pitchers that I took even before I new i had such deep feelings about this. preferably one were I am not wereing panties altho im not we

reing panties in this one but you can’t see becuz I have jeens on. Talk to u all later kiss kiss kiss

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Rockin’ Robin–tweet tweet tweet, Rockin’ Robin–tweet, twitter-y deet!

Rockin' Robin leads a conga line followed by Uncle Sam and all the senators and congressmen, holding their blackberries high and twittering like mad.

Rockin' Robin makes all of Congress a-Twitter.

He twitters in his office all day long,
Gettin’ all the lobbyists a-singin’ his song,
All the blackberries on old K Street,
Love to hear the congressmen tweet tweet tweet!

Rockin’ Robin! (tweet! tweet! tweet!)
Rockin’ Robin! (tweet! twitter-y deet!)
Oh Rockin’ Robin, you’re tweetin’ on camera tonight!

 
Every little swallow by every chippee,
Every little bird in old DC,
From Senator Byrd to Mike Crapo
Tweetin’ on their keyboards, go man, go!

Rockin’ Robin! (tweet! tweet! tweet!)
Rockin’ Robin! (tweet! twitter-y deet!)
Oh Rockin’ Robin, be sure not to screw up tonight!

 
A wordy representative started this romance,
Tweetin’ what he’d have for lunch in advance,
He tweeted his votes and he tweeted his goals,
He tweeted who he thought were just big assholes!

Now he never hears a word from any debates, he’s already tweeted what he loves and he hates,
He twitters at night and he twitters in bed–He twittertwittertwitters when he’s getting some head!

Rockin’ Robin! (tweet! tweet! tweet!), Rockin’ Robin! (tweet!twitter-y deet!)
Oh Rockin’ Robin, you really screwed the pooch up tonight!

With apologies to Bobby Day :)

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ColBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!

I can actually draw. Pencil Sketch, Stephen Colbert

Just to let you know...

Now I watch other brilliant commentators on our nation. I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I like Stephen…he’s an up-and-coming young man, to whom I wish all the success in the world. But what gets me is that every once in a while, Stephen and his writers look like they’re reading me–AND NOT SENDING ME A CHECK! It happened many times during HAIL DUBYUS! but I overlooked it–after all, he is young. Great minds do think alike and what occurred to me could have easily occurred to him or his writers. And the young are wont to do brash and foolish things. But imagine the look on my face when I saw last night’s Colbert Report and saw the juxtaposition of these two clips which followed back to back on each other, the first about Congressmen twittering during the Obama speech the other night, and the second about adopting the “Swedish” economic plan and going Viking:

 

Now look at yesterday’s cartoon about congressmen twittering:

Cartoon of Republicans too busy tweeting on Twitter to actually listen to Obama’s first State of the Union addresses and send snarky messages via their blackberries.

John Culbertson (R-Tx) is all a-Twitter during Obama's Address

and this one from January 27, just one month ago,where I suggest to the ICELANDIC Nation that they take up a-Viking Again to solve their economic woes!

Let's go a-viking! Cartoon of Viking carrying off a girl who is asking him 'hvat's in yur vallet?' 'what's in your wallet?' as a town burns behind them.

What? Didn't you know it was a global crisis?

Nation… it is true that great minds think alike. And Stephen has a mind that is almost as sharp and quick as my own. But this is beyond coincidence. I own the copyright on Vikings! Stephen, if you’re going to use my material, you should PAY for it. Stephen Colbert, you have earned yourself a wag of my finger! YOU HEAR THAT COLBERT–I WANT YOU TO USE THAT DONATION BOX OVER ON THE RIGHT. Yeah, that one.———–> Until then, you’re on notice, mister! And that’s the word ;)

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