Intravenous Caffeine

Totally Unfair and Completely Unbalanced

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Just Stand At Attention and Yell Semper Fi

Posted on | July 12, 2010 | No Comments

SecDef Robert Gates defends the record of Marine General James Mattis who now only thinks it's a heck of a lot of fun to shoot people.

Gimme an OO-RAH!

It’s been a good week for hoof-in-mouth disease! First we have Lindsay Lohan, who was photographed at her probation hearing with her fingers on her lips and the words F*U*C*K*Y*O*U scrolled neatly on her fingernails. What she was doing with her fingers on her bottom lip is beyond me, probably playing BLERM with her lip, thinking the judge might think it was funny!

Well, I got news for you, Lindsay. The judge wasn’t all that thrilled. Would somebody PLEEZE tell that girl that this ISN’T A MOVIE! We’re not in Disney World anymore–the laws hold–especially the ones about cause and effect! Actions do have consequences. Oh well, maybe some time in the slammer (maybe 9 out of 90 days?) will have some effect. It seemed to work on Paris Hilton. On the other hands, if her friends are right, LL might spend the entire time in withdrawal from nicotine.

Then we have our new man at CentCom, General James Mattis. Since General Petraeus is taking over the post of hoof-in-mouth specialist General McChrystal, his old post at CentCom needs re-filling. Enter James Matiss of the US Marines! OO-RAH!! Another victim of hoof-in-mouth on the scope! UH-OH!

Looks like someone unearthed a video of him saying was fun it was to shoot people. He meant the enemy, of course. Even a Marine General isn’t crazy enough to mean it was fun to shoot at friends. Or random people, although that does seem to be the nature of targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. SecDef Robert Gates said we shouldn’t pay any attention to that video. It was five whole years ago and General Mattis has learned his lesson. He now knows it’s not fun to shoot civilians. At least to admit it. And if anyone asks him anything he hasn’t been given the answer for, he’ll just stand at attention and yell “Semper Fi.” Confuses everyone–works all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good week for misstatements–looks like the only guy NOT getting into trouble has been Paul the Octopus. What’s that? Even the Germans want to turn him into sushi for not predicting them to win the World Cup? Hey football fans–he’s a psychic, not a witch doctor. Get it straight! Paul did. Besides, he’ll taste awful with wasabi!

But we all have to agree–Paul is one cephalopod who doesn’t just suck for a living!

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