McCain: Thank God we still have a Congress to make sure Homosexuality stays in Capitol Hill bathrooms

Back in 2006, when McCain still thought he perhaps maybe could be President of these here United States and didn’t want to push away any potential voting demographics–something he no longer has anything to worry about since he’s pushed away as many as he already could–he famously said that when the armed services came to him and said that gays should be let in to serve openly, he’d be right behind them. Or maybe not so famously, since if you thought John had trouble programming his VCR, wait’ll you see the hash he made of his TiVo. You’d think some of these politicians would be aware that videotape has been around since the 1950s and in homes since the 70s–not to mention the YouTubes available on the Internets. Anyway, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen went in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee and said how it’s time to let gay citizens defend their country without having to lie about who they are. Well, you’d think they suggested replacing the US flag with stripes of puce and chartreuse. Gates and Mullen were BIASED with regards to this policy and clearly it needed more study on its effects on the troops. You know, like more study is needed on whether or not the earth is a coupla billion years old or 6000, or whether polar bears are taking swimming lessons. What would be the result on their readiness and effectiveness? Well, for one thing, if we hadn’t discharged several gay Arabic translators, we might be having a better time of it in the Middle East, but that’s too rational so it doesn’t count. No, Uncle John is talking about more important issues like whether or not you’re going to lie awake in the barracks wondering if your bunkmates are banging girls or banging boys! Whether you will come back from maneuvers one day to discover curtains and potted palms festooning the living quarters. Whether you’ll be all ready to shoot your weapon only to go SQWIK when you realize the soldier next to you is GAY! By weapon, I mean your rifle. We must take care of our sensitive troops–it’s not like they’ll be encountering gay people EVERYWHERE ELSE in the universe. “Thank God we still have Congress to keep you guys from running your own show,” McCain countered. “I ought to know what today’s serviceman thinks, I was one thirty years ago! Let’s keep homosexuality in the Capitol Hill bathrooms where it belongs!”

STAMPEDE!

Feeling a bit achey after shoveling out of this weekend’s snowstorm (and thinking a little global warming would be good right about now), I realized that I’ve been giving President Obama such a hard time lately, I should really celebrate a signal triumph, the GOP Q&A session which has been described as Barry in the Lion’s Den, otherwise known as the GOP strategy conclave. Faced with salivating opposition party members WITHOUT knives and forks, Barry not only managed to hold his own, but did so on LIVE TV! For some reason this has shocked people, in spite of knowing that all Republicans, no matter how otherwise intelligent they might be, have to sign a waiver against the use of their own brains and limit themselves to parroting “talking points” despite how nonsensical it sounds when you play back a montage of Sunday morning talking head bites. Or that Obama can actually think and talk on his feet without benefit of teleprompter. So much for mainstream media propunditry. Congratulations to Virginia Foxx (R-NC) for taking advantage of the situation and getting Barry’s autograph! Way to go, Virginia!
What makes it all worthwhile is that Fox News was so disheartened by the event that they cut away to their own tiny car of clowns to inform the loyal viewership how bad Obama was doing so they couldn’t see for themselves how WELL he was doing. Of course, Fox viewers don’t know what to think unless they’re told, so undoubtedly a poll of viewers would have told us that Obama was soundly defeated by chants of “TAX CUTS.” But no poll was taken as Roger Ailes, Fox News Channel President, declared to “This Week” that he was no longer at war with the Obama White House. Maybe he isn’t, but the information hasn’t yet “trickled-down” to his staff of commentators yet. In any case, he had no ready answer for Arianna Huffington’s asking that if he wasn’t, why the cutaway. At which point he lamely countered that Fox News was the most trusted news in cable, a non sequitur that was no better than if he’d put on a big false nose and got up to hoarsely sing “I did the Strut-A-Way in my Cut-A-Way! Ha-chachachacha!” (OK there’s my age again–Jimmy Durante? Anyone ever hear of him? Sigh, the disadvantages of being 205!)
However, good news for finance–I hear Bernanke’s been re-upped and dear Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs is scheduled for a $100 million dollar bonus. Boy, oh, boy, isn’t recovery sweet? Remind me to celebrate on my way back from the Unemployment Office. Take care!

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Cartoons and text by Greg Uchrin (aka Gregorius alexandrinus), with the able assistance of Fred and Bert Squirrel, with special appearances by George Dymme. Published once a week on Mondays.

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